As I look dreamily back, I look forward

I am going to admit this...I am an emotional person.

I cry at the drop of a hat at the tiniest bit of nostalgia.

As I sit here looking at a glowing Christmas tree, I am reminiscing of all the passed 38 years and am in awe of the precious memories I hold so dear. I dream of Grandma Holm's laughter and the smell of her molasses cookies...you know the one's...with the cream cheese frosting? I can smell the warmth. I can sense the feeling of Blondie being there. I can see the twinkle in Grandpa Pete's eyes as he sits in his recliner.

I dream of the snow falling as I walked through the woods to find that perfect Christmas tree...a boy of 6 or 7, roaming the hills of my grandparent's farm, searching for the ideal tree to take up into the attic to decorate with Grandma Higdem's old ornaments...the ones that did not make it to the tree downstairs. How very Dooney & Burke eh?

I dream of kneeling at the church altar, on Christmas Eve, with my grandparents, and am reduced to sobs later on as I "know" this will be the last time for Grandpa Higdem to be with us. Not knowing, but sensing he would be gone. And was not too much longer on from there.

I dream of my family creating the handmade Christmas gifts in our basement at the house in Shamrock Acres in Bismarck, North Dakota. We always had a progressive dinner where we moved from home to home and had various stages of dinner at each. The laughter, the jokes, the smiles, the magic of it all, and finally, upon completion of the dessert portion of the evening, we all gathered around the tree and shared our homemade gifts with each other. Wooden trinkets, crotchet pieces of wonder, jams, jellies, carvings.

My family is a very creative sort. I love that. I have always joked that while the males of my family sat together and talked about cars, fishing, hunting, and farming, I was more at home with the ladies, talking about crafts and cooking. So you can imagine when I received a hunter's knife for Christmas from one of my uncles...I just kept thinking..."You do not know me"...

I remember being in Florida for one Christmas and remember being absolutely miserable...yet somehow Christmas came, even to me sitting on the deck chair next to the pool. I fondly remember the camaraderie of the friends I met there, and have maintained. We were all stuck there, yet made the absolute best of the situation. Bringing Christmas and New Year's to the loneliest holiday I can remember. Spending New Year's in Disney World, ringing it all in at Pleasure Island and riding the rides and feeling joy in that part of the world. I would not trade that experience.

The holidays, for me, are about family, friends, laughter, prayers, wishes, hopes, dreams, and love. As I look forward to the brand new year, it is with anticipation and trepidation. I feel so blessed to be here and now. I feel each loss of family members and friends, who have gone on to prepare our way. I know they are watching...

I know that 2011 holds huge adventures for me...a trip to Paris, a trip to California, trips to visit family, directing opportunities, the joys of classroom work, and building stronger working relationships, building stronger family relationships and a stronger relationships with Justin. Along with these two important avenues in my life, I also know that my friends will continue to be important as well.

I trust that God will continue to watch over us. I trust that He will guide us in the paths that we are meant to go on. I fearfully continue to watch the television about all the events going on in the world. I pray for peace. I pray that I am making the right decisions. I pray that God's hands are guiding me in the right direction... as I do for each of you.

Life's Blessings to each of you as we head strongly into 2011...

B

New Year's resolutions...

I was chatting with a student's parent today and was reminded of the fact that, so many times, I make New Year's resolutions that I do not always keep. Perhaps it is that they are unrealistic? Perhaps they are unachievable and I get bored? Perhaps it is a fact that I pick things like "Healthier Me" and join a gym, get caught up in some sort of schedule, and then let it go?

I have always admired Mary Anne Radmacher's work. I enjoy reading and experiencing her poetry and have always loved the one I posted above. It comes in so many forms, ranging from 8X11 framed works to refrigerator magnets. What she writes speaks to me on so many levels, very deeply, yet they all seem like something that can be achievable. Each one of these is totally attainable and if only we could all live with such abandon and stride confidently to the edge of the abyss and trust in whatever power you believe in and leap, knowing that a net will always follow you, supporting you every step of the way.

May the New Year bring you great things. Play with hopeless abandon and live as if this is all there is.

Next offering on "For REAL??"

When I was younger, I specifically remember my parents and grandparents commenting on kids clothes and the ridiculousness of it all. As I moved into my teenage years, I also remember thinking that it was a matter of "expression". I had every right to wear what I wanted as long as I did not pierce, dye, or tat anything.

Now that I am older... (clears throat)
I am now finding myself more horrified by the choices kids are making today for clothing options. The idea of pants to your knees , showing their butts, drives me crazy. "AND how about I wear a belt NOT to keep the pants on my hips BUT keeping them staying on my knees!!" Ummm OK... AND how about the young ladies today feeling the need to show off the twins? It is too tight, too short, too low cut these days... Enter the Grandparent's voices in my head...

Enter Photo Exhibit #1 above...to quote Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers on SNL Weekend Update... Really? REALLY? I mean COME ON!! Seriously??? For REAL??

What in the hell would you be thinking to have this on your head, walking down the street, thinking "I am so cool. I look so good". It looks like I killed some sort of Seasame Street character and deciding against the floor rug opting for a lovely hat.

The expression on Grover's face on the back ground says it all...

The Joy of Christmas cards...

I love Christmas cards...both giving and receiving...

No matter how hectic the schedule gets, no matter how late they get into the mail, I enjoy putting together the annual correspondence from my home. My buddies always raz me that they wonder when the annual Higdem Form Letter is going to go out. Yeah Yeah Yeah...

I enjoy reading about everyone's adventures from the previous year. Seeing the growth of nieces and nephews, cousins, and children. I am always amazed at how many wonderful experiences my friends from high school have undertaken, how creative friends and family can be with their holiday mailings, and how poetic some of my friends can be.

Every once in awhile, I get a card that strikes me to a deeper core...whether it is a saying or a photo. This year, I received a wonderful card from a friend who lives in Omaha, who has always been a strong nurturing soul, with an amazing spirit. The minute you meet Scott Focht, you can just feel the kindest aura surround him. His laughter and wit are infectious. His card this year spoke of light and I wanted to share it with all of you:

"Indeed there are Masters among you.

Scattered amongst the continents to shine

their lights as brightly as possible, simply

by being themselves, living mostly

'ordinary' lives.

Until, with enough of us walking the earth,

at the deepest psychological levels, a

tipping point will be reached so that all

others will be raised ever higher into the

light, simply for being in their midst as if

though osmosis."

~The Universe

Scott goes on to say this:

"Earlier this year, a friend sent me this quote, inviting me to contemplate how I show up in the world.

With all that is going on today...

Am I choosing love over fear?

Am I grateful for my life's blessings?

Am I creating a world that works for all?

Am I letting my light shine?

Whether it is the holiday season, the approaching winter, and/or an upcoming birthday, I find myself ever mindful of my life's journey, the choices I make, and the profound gratitude for sharing some part of the road with you."

Thank you Scott for sharing this year such a thoughtful moment for me. I appreciate you sooooo much, am so grateful for our friendship, and feel so blessed to have shared this life's journey with you if even for moments.

This life and future of our world is in scary terms. War looms. Evil Lurks. But will I choose to be the light or succumb to the darkness?

I always try to approach life with a lightness of being, but find that it is so easy to get bogged down with all the darkness of the road's journey and all it requires. Can I be mindful this upcoming year not to get so bogged down and grow in the light? I hope so...

Perhaps this is my true resolution...

How do you "show up in the world"?

The Irony of "Excellence"

Ok so looking back over the last few months...some of the craziness all stems from having to take this ridiculous test through the ETS Praxis series. One of the many things I have learned up until now is that life is a bunch of hoops. In order to accomplish certain life goals, you have to be willing to jump though them to get where you want to go.

So in order to be able to receive my teacher's certification, I have had to pass numerous test along the way. Praxis 1 is the initial testing where you have to pass a three subject area computer based test. The three areas of study were Mathematics, Writing, and Reading Comprehension. I was so concerned with the Mathematics portion of it. I have never been that great when it came to math and the concept of numbers. The one class I struggled so much with in college was College Algebra and when I got a "C" in the class, I told myself... "AND DONE!!!"

But I made it past this first Praxis hurdle and actually scored higher in the Math portion than I thought I would...

Then on to the Praxis 2 test which is specialized in your field of study. So I took the Theatre test first and then moved on to the Speech Communication test. Each were difficult in their own right. but not unachievable.

Now part of the stress and sleepless nights of this passed semester has been studying and trying to pass the latest round of testing, the PLT, or the Principles of Learning and Teachings, a Praxis test centered around the theories of education. I struggled trying to study this boring information. The voices of theorists stating their dry, brittle, crap in my ears...things I hardly ever use as to how I run my classroom...all the while thinking, "When in the heck would I ever use this in my classroom, knowing full well that this test is not a direct link to how I run a classroom or symbolic of my teaching style."

I basically did something I never encourage my students to do. I memorized and tried to regurgitate all the information, spouting the theories of those theorists and how they related to students in the classrooms all the while telling myself, I just need to pass by one point...one point...one point.

The test was so difficult! It was like running full-force into a brick wall, getting back up, and begging for more. It was 24 multiple choice test questions and 4 case studies, each containing three questions to write essays on. 12 pages of writing and only 2 hours on which to write this test. I finished with 5 minutes to spare, having spare moments to go back over and see just how much I sucked. I tried so hard to include specific theorists and their theories and how they could be incorporated into each of the case study information provided.

Little did I know that I would fail the first round by ONE POINT!!! I was so frustrated. I was disappointed in myself. As I spent some time in reflection as to why I could have failed by ONE POINT, I thought, "Okay, here's the dealio. Maybe I just need to dumb it down, not provide the specific knowledge, and speak from my own voice, and how I would handle the situation." SO I spent the $135 to retake the test and subjected myself back to the brick wall flingage. second time around, I had ten minutes to spare and as I read back through my essays, they were all in my own voice and not very educational sounding at all, in some instances.

Here is the irony: I needed a 164 to pass and instead passed with a 189, achieving a ranking of excellence in the ETS company. Yesterday, I received a certificate of excellence with this score in the mail...stating that I ranked in the top 15% of the ETS testing company nationwide.

I chuckle at the whole irony of it all...Hurdle tackled...Now on the the last round...

For REAL?????

As many of you may know, I like to take crazy pictures.

There is nothing more hysterical than to come across a ridiculous piece of advertising or weird findings of things inventors/buyers thought were a "good idea" for consumers to buy for Christmas. It has gotten to the point where I search these things out...

Is there something out there that is absolutely SO RIDICULOUS that just has to be mocked?

Something SO OBSURD that they expect us to buy...

And I ALWAYS find something...

The finding for this entry is thus:

The handheld, battery operated bug zapper has nothing to compare to this new find...

It is called "Lightning Reaction" and is a hand held SHOCK game...it comes with four hand held controls and you try to shock each other...somehow this does not seem like a very smart "game" is you can call it that...

Just RIDICULOUS!!!

WHY would something like this seem cool and smart to America's consumer???

The better to chase cats and snakes with...for sure!

HOW IS IT???

1. That I have not blogged since October? I apologize and will try to rectify that soon!! I should make it a New Year's resolution or something...sheesh.
2. That this semester has flown by so quickly? The schedule has been absolutely treacherous...see #1. This schedule actually got to me recently...I woke up with my alarm at 5:30am, got out of bed to go across the room to turn it off and I think fainted and bumped my head either on the door or the carpet flooring. Quite the noggin bump...I looked like I had been in a bit of a fight. I have never been in a fight before (insert all the phrasery here)... All the kids in my classes were so concerned...with phrases like "Oh my goodness, what happened?" to "Mr. Higdem, you tell me who it was and I will kick their butts!" LOL!!! Made me feel good to know that they have my back...had to disappoint them with a lame-oh story of fainting to turn off the alarm. Thank God Justin and Dad were there to help me up and to take care of me. Truly not as bad as it seems...just disconcerting. I have never had something like this happen. And yet, on the flip side it is something that lingers in the back of my mind. Why did it happen? Did I get up to quickly? Did I eat something wrong the night before? Not take that first full breath before getting up? Oh well...the abrasion is gone and headache is gone. One will never know I guess...
3. How is it that I have not had egg nog yet? This yummy holiday drink is an aquired taste. I do not have it a great deal, but do love it so. It gets a little too thick and so I dilute it with milk. Maybe a little something else to spice it up a bit? What is your favorite holiday drink?
4. How is it that I cannot listen to "Silent Night" and not shed a tear. I can sit in our church here in Little Rock and can hear the first chords of this beloved carol and can be immediately placed in that pew with all the relatives who have gone on before us...Grandpa & Grandma Pete, Grandpa and Grandma Higdem...and I just weep like a baby. Especially Christmas Eve Candlelight service...in the warmth of that candlelight with the lights of the Chrismon trees and the poinsettas and the bells...and it warms my heart.
5. How is it that I have never watched "White Christmas"? It's on right now on AMC and I love it. WOW!!! There are so many other movies that I have yet to see... I think that that is what I am going to do when I finally get a much needed break. I want to become one with the remote and take in some classics..."Meet Me in St Louis", "Miracle on 34th Street". What are some of your favorites?

Sending you lots of love and light this week!!