What's stopping you?

Seriously...

What is holding you back?

We get so caught up in the redundancy of life...

We have become so white bread... 

I am SOOOOOOOOO guilty of this, for SURE!!!!

What if we could step out of our comfort zone and trying a new adventure...

What if "What's stopping you?" became a little motto for your upcoming new year?

Remove the MEH and add a spark of energy towards a goal you have set for yourself!

How beautiful would that be?

I want to wish this motto for everyone this upcoming year!! 

Trust and do one thing this year that is out of your comfort zone. 

I am going to push my students to do this 

and I am going to try this for myself. 

I can hear all of the excuses and I need to stop them.

Perhaps we can all step outside of our comfort zones, 

hold each other accountable in doing so and 

live out a dream or bucket list adventure.

Can I get an AMEN?

The new bucket list...

The new year's resolutions are about to be set.

I went back to take a look at the ole bucket list previously posted on this here blog.

I found it so interesting to see what I had accomplished so far...But I am thinking I need to readjust this and have wanted to add so many more aspects/events/parts to this list..so much more I want to do, so much more I need to experience, so much more I need to push myself to do...

So this is the list from the past:

1. Travel to Paris. DONE
2. Travel to London
3. Skydiving
4. Take an Alaskan Cruise and see the whales
5. See the musical Jersey Boys
6. Play the role of Archibald Craven in The Secret Garden
7. Play the role of Harold Hill in The Music Man
8. Play the role of Sweeney Todd in Sweeney Todd
9. Travel to Rome DONE
10. Sing with an orchestra DONE
11. Record a CD for sale
12. Write a book. Maybe publish? IN PROCESS
13. Have a child.
14. Build my own home and be able to design it the way I would like it...a dream home, if you will.
15. See the fall colors of New England
16. Rock climb
17. Parasail in the Carribean
18. Be remembered for being a good man.
19. Grow Muscles. BAH HA HA HA HA
20. Play the role of Emcee in Cabaret DONE

So here is what I think I would add...
Let see, what would be on that list...

1. Travel to London
2. Skydiving
3. Take an Alaskan Cruise and see the whales
4. See the musical Jersey Boys, Waitress, and Dear Evan Hansen
5. Play the role of Archibald Craven in The Secret Garden
6. Play the role of Harold Hill in The Music Man
7. Play the role of Sweeney Todd in Sweeney Todd
Note: What is difficult to see are these three roles and to recognize that my passion to play these roles has diminished. Zaza and La Cage has still what I affectionately say..."it has ruined me. Everything pales to that one moment singing "I Am What I Am" at the end of Act One, ripping that wig off, and storming out...everything else pales and I know I will never have that moment back in my life again..."

8. Record a CD for sale...possibly in the works?
9. Write a book. Maybe publish?...possibly in the works?
10. Have a child.
Note: the older I get and the scarier the world becomes the more I find that my students become my kiddos and no matter how good of a father I know Justin and I would be...not sure I want to bring a life into this world with it being so crazy and all...perhaps adoption would be an option...but for now...just hanging on for the ride with my husband

11. Build my own home and be able to design it the way I would like it...a dream home, if you will.
12. See the fall colors of New England
13. Rock climb
14. Parasail in the Carribean
15. Deep sea dive and snorkel a coral reef.
16. Take Justin to NYC and share it with him.
Note: I have not been back since I moved away and I know that that has to change and I have to get myself back and go to the World Trade Center site and visit the museum and take it all in and regroup...just has not been in the cards...

17. Share Italy with Justin.
18. Spend Christmas in different parts of the world...Hawaii, Norway, London, Rome
19. Build Mom's Santa collection
20. Take Justin skiing.
21. Visit the Grand Canyon.
22. Experience Canada.
22. Have a suit made especially for me.
23. To own my own production company/ theater and work in theater full time.
23. Be remembered for being a good man.
24. Keep trying to make an impact on the world in whatever way, shape, or form possible.


So far so good.
I think it is important to keep your goals ahead of you and to keep adventures in focus. Some may be realistic, others not so much. But hey, its okay to dream right??

Carry on my fellow sojourners.
Carry on.

One thing I learned about myself this year...

I found this topic on Pinterest and placed it under journaling...
But it struck me and really called on my heart...so I thought why not give 'er a shot...
So here goes...

I have learned so much more than just "one thing" this past year.

I have learned that navigating through death is difficult and different for each of us. It is the strangest thing I have ever witnessed and experienced. I have learned to honor the emotions as they come. I have learned to meet those dealing with death right where they are, love them, offer support, not try to explain everything, and let them be...be present...make myself present...and if they need me...

I have learned to create and honor the personal checklist. Whether it is a checklist in your mind or a physical checklist on paper...honor it and get it done. The feeling of accomplishment and pride in completing something is overwhelming. The biggest moment of my life was knowing that I was able to complete the checklist for my mom. Being able to honor her life and her death this year was important to me. Feeling her presence in the Badlands and her burial was overwhelming and life changing for me. The darkness has lessened a bit  and I felt lighter on some levels.  I am a changed man on some levels,too.

Always know that sometimes there will be difficult discussions but sometimes these discussions need  to happen. You just need to remain calm, never let your anger get in the way, and just be truthful and honest. And most importantly, just listen and be present.

So many times in my past, I have felt like I had to be the life of the party. I must always be entertaining at all times. I must always be the fun one. I have learned patience and peace. I have learned to listen and be present in the quiet times. My husband has taught me this and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

You can only be so much. You cannot be everything to everybody. You have to protect yourself or you will be nothing to everyone and you will kill yourself doing it.

I have learned to embrace tradition. Honor the memories of the past. Create your own traditions and memories.

Enjoy your own adventures. Create them and navigate through them.

Hugs are important. Smiles and laughter are preferred.

Keep living life fully. Stay connected to your friends and family.

Live life and enjoy it.

Stay the course.
Keep the Faith.
Stay positive.

Carry on...

All of this...

The phrase: "Not my circus...not my monkeys" has entered my vocabulary over the past year or so. 

The last year has been so eye-opening for me. 

I have found that I am such an empathetic personality. 

If I could I would take on everyone else's hurts and sadness and problems, whether it was trying to help fix, or emotionally place myself in what they must be thinking or feeling at that one particular moment. I have had to learn to try and separate myself from this. And I am doing a horrible job of this.

But I know I have to come to the realization that I have to figure out how to do it...

With grace.

With eloquence.

With speed.

With strength.

For my own emotional health.

And yours.

I cannot change your past for you.

I cannot change your mistakes, your choices, regardless of whether or not I agree with them.

They are yours to own.

I have my own issues to deal with.

I have my own course to chart. 

I cannot change choices for you.

I cannot change things people have done that I strongly disagree with as much as I would like to be able to.

I get so wound up on folks either not listening to advice, asking for advice that they never take, even though they asked for feedback.

What I need to learn is do is to just listen.

To stop.

To breathe.

To place focus on cues others give.

And not feel the need to provide advice when it is not asked for.

And to not take things so personally.

Separate emotion and feelings because I get too wound up.

Wish me luck.

"Returning Home"

I have found that this idea of "returning home" has been on my mind here lately.
When I was younger, after having experienced the traumatic event of leaving for college and being away from my mom, when I returned home, I always noticed the difference of what home actually was. It was disconcerting at times. When my folks and I would come to northern Minnesota for Christmas with our family, it was always filled with wonderful traditions...usually surrounded by grandparents and aunts and uncles and family and friends. It was something I always looked forward to...the good food, the cookies, Santa, the tree cut down from the forest, the chance to be a child and experience the season with this childlike wonder and energy. It flew by so fast and in a blink of an eye, things are different and these are just a fleeting memory.

Life changed. Parents get divorced. Homes changed. Life evolved. And I left for college. I would come back and things had changed...were different...Now it wasn't a drastic thing like, "Oh honey, I changed your bedroom into a craft room or an office." but would have this strange feeling like things had changed. Things had moved forward and became different and yet had tinges of the familiarity of home remained. Things became less and less like "home". And yet even though the environment changed...there were elements of this environment that represented tradition and home...At Christmas, Mom would bring out the ornaments, the Santas, the nostalgia, the recipes, the laughter over a glass of wine and the recollection of days gone by. It is these elements that I am able to bring out this year that I feel such twinges of sadness and know that this will pass as the years go by...perhaps they won't but that's part of the "new normal" I guess...

When we were home last weekend to visit with friends and family and take part in some of the annual events we have grown to love, I had the opportunity to go back to the church I had grown to love and felt comfortable in. Since our move, we have not found a church we feel comfortable with, in, and a part of. And I can give you numerous reason and excuses, which I will go into at a later date. But what I felt was this overwhelming wave of emotions and warmth in the hugs and smiles and kind wishes and words. There were tears. There were smiles. There were calm silences to regroup and hear the strong word that always rings true to my heart chords. There was comfort and joy.

But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing in the back of my mind and on my heart that this is home. It is good to return home.

I know that home is a comfortable feeling. I know that things will change and grow and evolve and reform...but at its true core, home is tradition and comfort and joy and truly that there is "no place like home for the holidays."

And since my mom's death I have tried to search and figure out what the new definition of home is...

Returning home to Minnesota is different now, more difficult, and harder without her presence. Steve even feels this and has said it. Not meant to be mean or hurtful but it is my presence that makes home difficult and hard and I know deep down that it will get better as the pain decreases more and more. But I am a part of her and represent her. I am her son and have a portion of her I carry with me daily. But she was my home and was my feeling of security and stability and warmth. And I can feel her presence in Minnesota. I can feel her presence with me every day...pushing me forward...cheering me on...nudging me forward...

There is also this wonderful idea of returning home that is filled with warmth and joy. The idea of comfort. The idea of ease and calm and memories from the past. And sharing adventures. And reconnecting with loved ones. And being together. And enjoying the energy and joy of these moments. The smiles. The giggles. The ease of settling back in.

But also we need to recognize that things cannot stay the same. Life does move on. Life does move forward and it is all because we need to LIVE life to its absolute fullest and that is important. We need to pursue our dreams and our life goals and enjoy being home when we are there. Making the best decisions to change our lives and notice when life needs to be changed. Honor the moments, and calm, and traditions returning home brings. We make the most of the moments when we are together, honor the differences of change, and relish in the laughter and joy being home brings.

May this Christmas bring you the feelings that "returning home" brings you. May it be filled with tradition, and warmth, and comfort, and joy and laughter and common shared stories and memories recalled. Filled with sweet memories and recalling stories from the past.

My love to you all sweet travelers. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Wishing you all life's blessings and feelings of home and all that that brings your heart and your soul.