How is it possible...

...that 10 years has passed?

You keep hearing that time heals everything. That you slowly will forget the sounds, the feelings dull a bit, that the moment fades and all you are left with are memories that are softer, not as crisp. You forget the smell of the air. You forget the rush and pulse of the heart beat, the feeling of light-headiness, and the sound of screams as people push their way to escape.

It all reads like a well-organized horror story.

I have blogged about this before in passed passages. One would think that it gets easier, yet it really doesn't. The day approaches and you know that the feelings will resurface, the the television is going to replay the events over and over. That CBS will play the live footage inside the buildings during their documentary 9/11. How difficult it still is to watch for me.

I have found that my friends who lived through this together with me are dealing with the same things. I have reconnected with so many of my friends from The Actor's Studio School of Drama over the years, but this year, it seemed harder to bear, more emotional. I found blog entries telling in vivid detail what they went through. I found that ten years had not softened the horror of the day. I found that my friends were all going through the same emotions, some even stating that they would be turning off the television over the weekend as it is too much. I would agree with this statement, yet I did not somehow do this. I instead turned on NBC and watched the dedications of all three memorials, seeing the pain on the families faces as they scribble the pencil over the paper, showcasing the name of their loved one. I could never ever EVER imagine the level of pain they deal with every day. Does it soften for them? Does the pain dull for them? I cannot even compare what I go through to anything they experienced.

I found it extremely difficult to stop the tears all day long. Just was completely teary. In church, asking God to help the pain pass and heal my heart. Talking with my mom, someone whose voice I was so thankful to hear on the other end, trying to get through to her once the second building fell. I remember the struggle we all had getting in contact with all of our loved ones. We had to cram into tiny school offices helping each other get through the minimal phone lines to our loved ones.

I had to leave the room when the documentary came on. I have not been able to watch it since the five year anniversary. I forced myself to watch it back then. And experienced the pain of seeing the faces of firemen who I know lost their lives. Seeing the rubble. Hearing the breaking of glass. Hearing the dull thuds as people took their lives into their own hands.

I found it difficult to explain to my students today who were first and second graders when the planes hit. I struggled through the retelling of the story of that day and the days that followed.

I tear up today. I tear up for the faces of children who have forgotten their parents faces and voices. I tear up for the children who read the names and add their personal goodbyes. I tear up for the firemen and policemen who deal with the loss of their brothers and sisters, all in the face of terror and becoming heroes. I tear up that we are no longer innocent bystanders in the world arena. I tear up at the site of "Reflecting Absence" knowing that those are the sites that so many lost their lives and cannot think of a more fitting memorial.

Yu U Nubuntu

These are words from a wonderful book I happened upon a while ago by the honorable Desmund Tutu. It covers the topic of belief and how it encapsulates the idea of recognizing the beauty, inner light in all of us and how we use this light to create a better world. A "Pay it Forward" message if you will.
I was able to share this selection with my students in our current style of beginning of class reading minutes. It's actually be quite beneficial for myself as well on a lot of levels. Not only am I able to read some amazing articles, but also am able to lead a discussion and hear where today's youthful thought processes are heading. I am revitalized! We have such amazing youth in our community and they have lots of terrific things to say.

I believe that we all have good in us.
I believe that we are all resonsible for our own actions.
I believe, as Tutu does, that if I diminish you, I in turn diminish myself. So truthfully, you are what you put out there. If you exude negativity and control, you will receive negativity and control. If you put positivity out into the universe, you will receive positivity.

I believe we have the capacity to bring about change in those around us by how we exude that positive light out from us.

Sometimes it is very hard to remember this idea with bullying running rampant through our country and fear and hatred ravaging the news.
I believe it is a mindset. Can you wake up and make the decision that today is GOING to be a GREAT day?
Can you agree to "pay it forward"?

The Power of the Arts

So a current goal we, as the North Little Rock Speech and Drama department, are working towards is a three to four minute video educating the community and our students on the power and impact the arts have on education and the world. Since Bush's ridiculous "No Child Left Behind" law was put into enforcement, the nation has been gripped into a "test score and results" mode that has forced the arts out of the classrooms across our country. It is truly a terrifying movement that most people do not realize is occurring.

Yet statistics show that students involved in arts programs (both visual & performing) are:

• More likely to STAY in their desks and not drop out and become truant. Studies show that the arts help to deter delinquent behaviour in and out of the classroom


• More likely to strengthen student's problem solving and critical thinking skills, along with boosting standardized test scores


• Helping to build a school environment that promotes goal-setting, high expectations, discipline, and academic rigor


• More likely to show a larger vocabulary, be involved in reading programs, and showed huge development in written word and comprehension.


• More likely to step outside their comfort zone and try new adventures.


• Made these students more confident and cooperative.


• Stimulates the imagination and creative aspects of their brains, while promoting critical thinking skills and cognitive development.

We have sensed a slide in the last few years...you can feel it in those involved in the higher end decision making concerning courses offered and test scores. It is scary. You can sense that the nation is screaming for higher and higher test scores. States have clamped down on how many absences students will be allowed to miss for school related activities. States are removing the arts out of classrooms to promote more and more math classes...not thinking about the fact that students CAN utilize art to creatively build their own math skills. Why would students be motivated to come to school where they are pounded day in and day out with math and science instead of having a creative outlet to learn these areas of knowledge as well? I know for a fact, you would have lost me early on. You HAVE to provide an avenue to reach those students who are not your average student...who have to be reached in a more creative level and provide them the background knowledge they require to be successful.

And what is frightening is that it is not just the arts that is being cut, but also MANY electives that help promote leadership, volunteerism, and community involvement are being removed as well. That is scary as well. Where is the lightness and fun of school if test scores and results are being crammed down their throats?

Studies show, however, a direct correlation between high involvement in arts programs, both visual and performing, and higher standardized testing scores throughout the country. Why would you remove those classes from your curriculum? Cuts are being made without discussions and at that point, it is too late, even if you come to realizations later and try to re-implement. At that point, the damage is already complete and you have lost students to the undercurrent of TEST and SCORES and RESULTS and that is just plain SAD.

The problem, I think, lies in the area of assessment. How do you assess the arts and creativity and imagination? You can't and therein lies the problem.

I would be interested to hear your own thoughts on this?

We , at NLRHS, are locating students who have graduated from our program to come back and agree to be video-taped talking about not only our program and its benefits, but also to talk about their life without arts in general. Would they be the same without freedom of expression and artistic fulfillment? Be on the lookout for it...we are super excited about the possibilities it presents. We hope that those in charge will take notice and will come to the table with ideas on how to help build our program instead of constantly making decisions that are detrimental in kids losing their passion for education, promoting more and more drop-out rates across our country.

A new YEAR begins!!!!

I have spent that last week, getting acquainted with my newest students. It always amazes me all students being to the tables. I find that this year, I feel more calm, more focused, more able to handle what comes my way. For that I am so grateful~ yet know that the time will come when the schedule will kick in, and everything will begin to roll towards hysteria. It always does.

One of the cool exercises I use with my Competitive Speech classes is an honesty circle. (I stole this from my co-worker...I just love it so much) It starts with a skein of yarn being thrown amongst members in a seated circle. The one throwing the yarn must tell the person they are throwing to one thing they like/ enjoy about that person. Upon receiving the yarn, that student must tell the group something they are working on this year or a goal they want to achieve this up coming year.

It is an event that is extremely honest, at times, and requires that we keep what is said in the honesty circle and inside my classroom walls. I love this exercise for its honesty and when it is completed, a web of hopes and dreams is created in the center of this group. It looks a great deal like a Native American Dream Catcher and I ask the students to raise or lower their yarn to show how intricate it can get. How much we depend on each other as a team, as a friend, as a human being with feelings. If even one person lets go (and I ask them to do let go), or says something hurtful, or lets another team member down, the shape and form of our creation does not stay the same and weakens. Kinda poetic and the kids love it, as do I. I then pass a scissors around the circle and the kids can cut off a piece of yarn to tie on their wrist to remind them of their hopes and goals they have set for themselves for this year.

It also serves as a great reminder for me and my own personal goals for my year.
This year I am:

• striving to continue staying organized and focused when the schedules go into hyper drive



• pushing for a community focus on arts in the classroom and opening all eyes to the power of the arts both in and out of the classroom



• staying student focused and providing a well-rounded art focused education for all students



• keeping myself open and truly listening. Being in the NOW and being present in the MOMENT. That I should take every moment in and be present in the here and now and fully invest into every situation I place myself into.



• Reminding myself that I am the energy I put into every situation. If I put energy into something, it will come back to me thrice fold.



• Just Breathe.



• Love fully and laugh hard

Kind of lofty goals but I think totally achievable. So as I look at this lime green piece of yarn on my wrist, I think these goals and push myself toward the cliff ledge knowing that as soon as I leap, that net will follow and I can experience so much more that there is store for me in this brand new year ahead!

Are YOU ready for a leap??

The Memorial becomes a Reality...

It is so difficult for me to believe that one of the defining moments of my short life time on this earth is going to be marking its tenth anniversary this year. It truly does seem like yesterday and around this time of year, the lump grows in my throat. I begin my school year with a "getting to know you" section designed for each class. And I always find that the room gets so silent when I speak of that terrifying day. Silence you can cut with a knife. Silence that looms throughout my heart when I think of that day and how it would change all of our lives.

The memorial, "Reflecting Absence" is about to open on the World Trade Center site within a few weeks. I am so pleased that they completed it and from what I can see, it is truly a fitting memorial to those who lost their lives, both on that day and in 1993 when the buildings were first bombed. It brings tears to my eyes when I see pictures of what they intend the memorial to be. Two large square wells placed into the Earth, each on the site of each of the buildings. They are surrounded by marble that contain the names of all those lost on this horrific day. Water falls down the walls into the earth, like sheets of glass, into a pool at the bottom and appear to fall like beaded curtains, looking much like falling tears...not rushing water. Extremely poetic and perfect. The memorial site itself opens on September 11, 2011 with the museum portion set to open in 2012 and contain memoriabilia from those victims as well as factual/ structural evidence from the buildings themselves.

The hurried breath does not lessen in my chest...

My heart does not hurt as much, but it still cries at times thinking about those families who lost loved ones and for a country that lost it's innocence on that dark day.

Why is it that I feel pain so fully and, at times, have to bar myself from allowing my thoughts to truly run rampant. I must shed my thoughts of free-falling and rubble-dusted nylons. I can lose myself in the thoughts of "What must have gone through their minds?" or "What those families must still go through?" and know that at every September 11th, they relive the day in their own hearts and minds, much more than I could ever imagine, tearing off that band-aid and opening that wound once again. And it makes me sad...

For them...

For the country...

For those children...

However, I do know that this year a new page will be turned and a very fitting, peaceful memorial will open. A tribute will resound throughout the land that would make any of the victims proud. Art that is designed to provide honor, remembrance, and consolation. Art that can heal the human heart. Art that can serve as a memoriam and educate those come forwards ahead of us who lived the moment.

I truly think that it is a beautiful, fitting tribute to the fallen and a place I must visit someday.

Being Enough...

So here recently I watched a repeat episode of Oprah. You all know me and my affinity for Oprah and all she talks about. There are times when I think she goes overboard but there are always tidbits of golden nuggets of AH HA moments that speak to me on a deeper level.

In an interview with Ricky Martin, he mentioned the idea of being "enough?" It really got me to wondering about being enough. Am I truly "enough" for those around me? Am I best utilizing all that God has given me to be enough for my loved ones, for my students, my co-workers, my community, as well as for me? Can I be enough to all people and maintain a sense of me and my sanity. I don't truly think I am capable of being enough, of being truly genuine, 100% of the time. I have trouble with the "juggling of my life" and where I need to be and where I have to be. I struggle with being present all of the time and I think at times come acrossed as haphazard or fake or stuck up or pissy? My mind races when the schedule gets to be overwhelming. I struggle with being focused and calming myself to listen to what my heart says and follow.

This summer has taught me so many things. Provided me with so much insight as to who I am as a partner, a teacher, a son, a brother, a co-worker, a friend, a confidante, a member of a larger community. I struggle with how much time I can give and still maintain who I am as a person, at my very core. I try to be kind, gentle, supportive, postive, and a loving person. I try to be enough to those around me. But there are times when the schedule gets to be too much, or maybe there has been that "one too many" questions that I KNOW will frustrate me and push me to the brink...and I feel that feeling of tenseness, that rush of sarcasm and restlessness and sense of "SERIOUSLY?" and then am I truly being enough or just wanting to say ENOUGH? It is in those times that I need to find that moment to pause...reconnect...pull it together.

I was asked to help support a local production going on at a local community theatre by vocal directing. I had to say no as I cannot spread myself thin and expect those nearest and dearest to my life to stay committed to me and what we have built together. Yet I know that I must reach out to a community I am new in...build our program...do community outreach... and bring the arts to the masses...but at what cost? I was frustrated by this having to say no, but I know that it would be at the cost of another aspect of my life that is more important. And for this I cannot take on another project and expect others to stay committed to me.

I struggle with focus and concentration and truly listening. I find that when I do listen, I find that God does speak to me in the quiet of my mind and tells me that I am indeed "Enough" and that no matter how much of the path gets bumpy and filled with schedules...if I pause and truly listen not only with my ears, but also with my heart, I truly find myself able to connect to what drives my core. God nudges me on and say you can do this and I am able to continue.

What exactly is "enough"? I could go into the whole dictionary definitions of the word, but that does not make for good reading. However, the loftier side of me asks the question, "How much can one sustain being enough? Where is the line and how does one know if and when you reach this point?"

I think we ALL have the capacity to do great things. We have the capacity within us to shake things up and set the trend. We have the capacity to be all things for those who need us the most. To a point. We most certainly must prioritze if we are going to be able to sustain health, heart, and home. But we also must be willing to reach out and be involved, but also to know where our boundaries are. We must be willing to pause, to stop, to listen to what Spirit is whispering in you. To hush the drones of the ratrace of life and take in the hum of your heart.

It is my sincerest wish for each of you that you find your own sense of being "Enough"...


"You have always had the power. You have always had it, my dear" ~ Glinda, the Good

Cervantes and Don Quixote MADRID

While we were in Madrid, we experienced a monument that was really wonderful to view. It was a tribute to Miguel de Cervantes, who wrote Don Quixote, which spawned the musical Man of La Mancha. Cervantes was a Spanish poet, novelist, and playwright and is credited for defining the Spanish language. It was believed that Cervantes and Shakespeare died on the same day.

Don Quixote's story is a tale of chivalry, of a search for adventures and glory, of camaraderie, of faith and at the very core...storytelling.

What a wonderful adventure!

This summer has been filled with wonderful experiences and sights. I have to pinch myself to help me feel alive and awake...did this really happen to me...a young boy who used to dream of these types of adventures. Did I really just complete a summer of adventures?? A trip north to visit family and back to leave the next day for Paris, Barcelona, and Madrid only to return to get prepared for a road trip westward to California and Vegas. Did that really all happen?

And the answer is most definitely YES and I know that God has more adventures in store for me. I am forever grateful...