My 2016 holiday break...looking back

 Selfies with nieces. You can tell by one of their faces that they are not so sure about their Uncle Brandon...HA HA HA HA

Games with friends and sharing lots of laughter...Am thinking that this could be a runner for next year's Christmas card...ya think??



A jarring example that my nephew keeps getting more and more handsome and dapper...Love this boy!

A new car for my husband...with help in the test driving mode with Dad. That all-wheel drive will come in very handy when the winter weather gets funky up here in NW Arkansas.



Coffee, drinks, and lots of catch-up with sweet friends and compadres. A wish for more of that in the new year to come...






Such a thoughtful gift from my SWEET SWEET cousin, Sherri...Along with body pillow, Christmas blankets, Santa hats, and a stocking filled with goodies... 
SUPER COMFY!
SUPER AWESOME! 
SUPER GRATEFUL!!!

 Lots and lots of puppy cuddles...

 A real tree this year that continued to smell SO WONDERFUL well into the new year...a tradition that will have to continue for years to come...Mom would be so proud.

Emmy says, "Daddy, I think you have had a terrific holiday!"

I concur, sweet pup.

I concur.

Here's my thought about 2016...

My husband gave me many awesome gifts for Christmas this year.

One of them was a mug from one of my favorite movies.

And yet seems fitting as we begin to wind up this craptastic year...

Poetic.

And perfect.

And scene.

The annual Box-Higdem Christmas Card

Christmas Cards did not get sent out this year. SO consider this your update into the Box-Higdem year...our annual Christmas Card letter as many of you joke about...

As we look back.

2016 was not a good year for a lot of us.
There were so many folks who left us...some "too soon" and some we had not had enough time with. SO many vocal artists, so many film artists, so many folks that we were afraid to turn on the television to see who had died next...it was not the proverbial die in threes...but sixes and sevens...

We had THE MOST NEGATIVE political season we have EVER experienced in American history. And it looks like the negativity is going to continue through the next few years. I am not confident in our current situation but will not get into that on here. Too much drama comes from this and I am going to not surround myself with all of that drama...I have so many other issues to deal with rather than pulling myself into a political discussion shit storm.

Many of you know that I was not happy with the professional direction of my life. It was a negative cesspool and felt like I was just beating my head on a wall trying to build a program and was getting nothing but roadblocks and undermining and hypocrisy. It was time for a change. Change came in the form of a move to Northwest Arkansas and a move to a program that I had tried to emulate in regards to building the NLR Forensics  program. And I have not regretted the decision whatsoever. I am so blessed to be in a district that not only values the arts, but also sets a positive tone and believes in their educators on so many levels. We made the move in August and the fall semester started with hosting our very own Tiger's Eye speech tournament and taking the kiddos to 4 speech tournaments, including a trip to New Orleans for a different tournament experience...more national styled competition. Spring will be much more competitive...we are taking the squad to 6 tournaments, including a trip to Missouri, and if all goes well, beginning of summer will find us taking kiddos to Nationals in Alabama.

Justin was able to relocate to NW Arkansas thankfully through Best Buy. He continues to work towards his accounting degree...one step at a time. He continues to rock it out and actually received a wonderful opportunity towards the end of 2016. He had spent the summer sending job applications up here more focused towards accounting. He was met with so many shut doors. However about 5 weeks ago, he received an email from a company in Fayetteville he had originally interviewed with over the summer to re-interview and possibly fill one of their accounting positions. He got the JOB and began working with them and LOVES IT!!! It is wonderful to see him with a smile on his face when he talks about his job and working in a field that he actually is studying to be a part of...rather than hanging televisions in people's homes. So Blessed!!

Our puppies continue to bring smiles to our faces. They made the transition fairly well. Violet continues to bully Emmy and is slowly settling in and calming down and becoming more cuddly. Emmy continues to be her schnauzer self and be finicky.

We placed our house in Jacksonville, AR on sale in June. We did not sell it until December 14th!!!!! So it was quite the juggle...having to pay mortgage and rent on two residences for almost 5 1/2 months...so 2017 will be super in regards to finances and not having to juggle any longer. We may have thrown a new car in the mix to celebrate...being that we now live in an area that actually gets snow during the winter months depending on the year...wanted to have at least one vehicle that had AWD to prepare for the possibility of winter weather.

I got the chance to play a role of a life time. I was given the opportunity to play the role of ZAZA/ Albin in the Argenta Community Theater's production of La Cage Aux Folles, the musical version of The Birdcage. What an amazing opportunity and so much fun and so moving and a role I hope I can play again in the future. There are shows that I look back on and keep telling myself that I would revisit at ANY time. Neville Craven in The Secret Garden, Younger Brother in Ragtime, Prior Walter in Angels in America, and now ZAZA. Grateful for the opportunity...terribly moved by the entire experience...

And of course, everything pales and seems forgotten when I think about 2016 and the passing of my mother. She was my absolute BEST FRIEND and became the defining source of tone for my entire year. Losing her battle to cancer has been the source of numerous stories on this blog and will continue to be I am sure on here as I continue to process this major loss in my life. I am grateful for all of the outpouring of love and support from my husband, my family and my friends. I have never experienced something this profoundly overwhelming on all levels of my life and have said numerous times that this is the first time I have felt like I had to become an adult and deal with very adult issues and situations. Lord ADULTING sucks sometimes.

So there you go... 2016 can suck it as far as I am concerned...but so many life lessons learned and will be the defining format of 2017 I am sure. 

Much love to each of you!

Merry Christmas to each of you and may the New Year bring you much peace, much love, and much laughter...Lord Knows we need it!

I made it...

I made it...
The Christmas holiday is over and I made it through...

Christmas Eve Day and night were particularily rough...I tried very hard to hold it together but it was a discussion about whether I had gotten to the point where I can just talk to my mom when I began to crumble. Truth is I cannot. I am not at that point where I can do this...but am so thankful for all of the hugs from my husband and family that really held me up and made me feel so much better.

Many had suggested that Justin and I try to shake up the traditions and do something extremely different this year...I am going to be honest...I had doubts and kept thinking if maybe we should have done something like this rather than head to Little Rock to be with family, however, on this side of it, I am SOOOOOOO glad we went and spent time with our Little Rock family. I am so grateful for my family...so much love and support, so much strength.

To get a lengthy hug from my nephew was the world.
To see the excitement in my niece's eyes on Christmas Morning...how cool.
To watch the littlest niece walk her way through the kitchen and showcase her many facial expressions...crazy how much a year can make a difference... I had forgotten this...I had missed this...Remind myself that time heals everything...a year from now...I pray I will be stronger, lighter, and better.

To visit with my family and reconnect...priceless.

Many friends reached out to text me their love and support, knowing that it would be rough, knowing that I was in the thick of it and for that I am so grateful and overwhelmed. One beautiful sentiment came from a friend who texted, "Hope you are doing okay. Remember it does get different."

I love that phrase because it is the truth. I know that it will never be the same. I know that Christmases will always and forever be different without her to set the tone. But once I get the spring in my step back, once I can find myself able to take a FULL breath and not wonder if the tears will fall, I can decide what tone I want to set for the holidays and what I can do to make a difference in this world.

Small steps.
Regrouping.
Finding my stride again...

Absence of Christmas spirit...

Sorry I have not posted in quite a while.
I am working my way through this darkness.
Being the holiday season and all...I am filled with so many emotions...dreading the actual holiday, if I am going to be perfectly honest.

Thanksgiving was quiet...and perhaps the quietness is a negative right now.

Christmas is fast approaching and I can honestly say that I am forcing everything right now cause I know that I should, that I need to...

But it just doesn't FEEL like Christmas...no matter how much decor one puts up, or Bath and Body Works three wick candles you light, or packages you get sent out to be there on time for opening on Christmas Day...I just do not feel it this year.

I cannot watch some of the favorite Christmas movies this year because it reminds me of her and our life experiences. Love Actually feels different...the moment she is up in her bedroom and trying to regroup after not receiving a gift for Christmas...Mom and I lived that together...I became that strong shoulder through those moments with the husband we do not speak of...
I cannot watch "The Family Stone" because I am LIVING that movie story line this year...and just cannot.

I am so sorry friends, but the Christmas cards did not get done this year...the goofy pictures just never got taken...my heart is just not in it. It is doubtful that I will get to sending them out...or if they are, I apologize for the lack of a personal touch...no holiday letter...may just have to be a short heartfelt phrase or two...and send it with all our love...and leave it at that...

I need to reshift...
I need to refocus and just get through this holiday, no matter what I have to do to do it...
I am finding that I am having to redefine my life and who I am through all of the most recent experiences. I am finding myself at a point where I need to learn about how I am going to grow from this and what my next steps are as I am absolutely unsure of everything...unsteady, shaken, and unsure.

A friend recently posted an interesting article of important thoughts I really liked. My mother's death has been on the forefront of my mind and seems to be the definition of my day-to-day process so far. I wanted to pass along this article from CNN, dated December 20, 2016, entitled "What people talk about before dying."

Here is the link to read the entire article...
http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/20/health/what-people-talk-about-before-dying-kerry-egan/index.html

What I found so important from this article was her discussion of family and what that means being so close to death. I know only from what I experienced with my mother in that hospital room. She was already so close to leaving us that there was not a sense of conversation to be had...I know she knew I was there and could hear EVERY word I whispered into her ear...and I will always remember her last words to me on the speaker phone. " I love you, son."

I have never experienced death like that before. I have always been able to just attend the funeral. I have never had that raw emotional experience before and as rough as it all was, I would never trade those finals moments together for one iota.

Egan importantly states:
"We don't live our lives in our heads, in theologies or theories. We live our lives through our families: the families we are born into, the families we create, the families we make through the people we choose as friends. 
This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, this is where our purpose becomes clear. 
Family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place where we learn that love and overcome even the most painful rejection. 
This crucible of love is where we start to ask those big spiritual questions and ultimately where they end."

 And I need to continually remind myself of this, over and over, because it brings me great comfort... It is this idea of  family, both blood and chosen, who help each other through the struggles. There for the nastiness of life, and there for the joys. It is important that we show up for each other. It is important that we rely on each other and love each other. That is what family is all about. Living our most beautiful lives to the absolute fullest and all of this is lived through the topic of our families.

"If God is love, and we believe that to be true, then we learn about God when we learn about love. The first, and usually the last, classroom of love is the family."

AGREED!!!

This is Us...

After yesterday's post...I feel there is a divine hand involved here somehow...

I was getting caught up yesterday on this wonderful NBC show currently playing called "This is Us."

And with everything that is going on in my life here recently, TV has become my escape and yet it hasn't been...
everything is cancer, Breast Cancer Awareness month,
everything here lately has been death,
has been commentary on politics,
on life...

This is Us had a powerful episode where they discuss life and death and our past and future so eloquently and I wanted to share some of it here...

It said: 

Life.

Life is full of color.

We each add our own color to the painting of life and it goes on and on forever.

We are all in the painting somewhere and everywhere regardless of where we are in life...our ancestors added the colors that they brought with them...they have children and they begin a different color and we just keep adding and adding and adding until we have added to the point where we all blend in...

My mom is not alive anymore...but yet she is still with us...

People that we love will die and not be around anymore...and yet they are still with us somehow...just in very different ways

Just because someone dies and are not around anymore doesn't mean that they are not in our life's painting...

I think the painting becomes a testimony to their lives and the lives before them and the lives before them.
 As well as our own lives. 

And that is powerful.

The painting is not about you or me
 its just us.

And this sloppy, random, splattery painting we call life that goes on and on
and shows no end is just us.

And I needed this today.

To remind me.

I am grateful for my life's painting.

I am grateful for the brushstrokes that are my parent's and grandparent's etchings on my life. 

I am grateful for my husband's impact and imprint on my canvas.

I am grateful to each of my friends for the impact they have made in my life.
I am grateful for everyone, both near and far, reaching out and support me and my family with their love and prayers and care and for just "showing up". I can never even begin to repay the kindness we have all felt.

So grateful.

So here is my goal so far...

To just  keep on painting

And yet...

I gotta consistently remind myself of this here lately. 

I am struggling here. 

I am struggling with everything and trying so hard to put on the best game face when I am out and about but it all feels so 

...

Quiet times are not so much...

Quiet times I am left to my thoughts, my memories, the smiles and the tears and the adventures we shared. And I am left with the memory of those final moments, holding her hand after she slipped away, so grateful I had those moments but so DAMN sad that it has gone this way.

I want so bad to watch our wedding video just to see her face and hear her voice one more time but I know that it will make me so damn sad and there you go...

I get hard on myself. 

I allow myself to sit there in the darkness of my mind.

I feel guilty because I know that she would never EVER want me to be sad but at this point and time she doesn't get to say that to me even from beyond because she is not here to do it.

Maybe at some point I can feel better about this whole thing.

Maybe it won't hurt so much.

I am sure it will. 

I went to my grandparents, godfather's, and uncle's grave sites. 

And the tears still flowed. But it was different.

And yet it doesn't feel perfect. For her. For her memory.

I am in the process of figuring my way through how to memorialize her in the perfect way. I am struggling with the possibility that we will not bury my mom any time soon...and to be perfectly honest...I am not sure that I want that either. Traditionally speaking, you go to the funeral and immediately go to the grave site and bury and move forward. You place a bronze plaque on top and have a place you can go to to memorialize and remember and cry and hold and feel their memory closer. Yet her memory is all round me and can feel her presence next to me even as I type this.

I am not sure of anything right now in regards to this whole thing...I have found very beautiful mementos that I can carry along with me. A beautiful small heart container and stand that matches her urn...a glass paperweight that looks like a swirl of stars with her ashes in it... a wonderful necklace of a tree that contains a small amount of her...and its all overwhelming. A tattoo of a prayer found in her writing in her prayer shawl

I can even see myself on that butte in the Badlands having to climb myself to the top of a butte and burying some of her ashes up there...but that is me superimposing my own burial wishes on her and I am not sure that that is right either. She loved Northern Minnesota too, but she also had so many life adventures and am having problems remembering where she loved... 

And yet, her urn sits on the table that my step-sister has arranged as a perfect memorial. Her beautiful portrait that was at the front of the memorial service, photos of our family, her dad, her brother, her prayer shawl...and it feels perfect for right now...as it should be

But I continue to remind myself to just keep breathing...Just keep paddling and treading water in hopes that these waves will pass...