This was one of the hardest days of my life...
But also beautiful and poetic and perfect.
Mom's burial.
One of the things I have always told Steve was that my biggest regret in having the very difficult, very adult conversations with my Mom that April day when she struggled for breath and spoke through her C-PAP machine was that I had all of the perfect answers in regards to her wishes...she was able to tell me what music she wanted, that she wanted to be cremated, that she wanted the photo from Justin's and my wedding to be the photo for the obituary and for the memorial service, what Bible verses she wanted read, and what she wanted the event to be like...a celebration...and not dark and gloomy. But the final question I asked her where she wanted her ashes to be buried, she left the answer at, "I will just leave that up to you and Steve to decide."
And my biggest regret is that I didn't push further.
Jump ahead a few months and we are sitting in the funeral home, making her arrangements, and I look to Steve and just kept thinking...How did we get to this point...just plain numb and in a fog...and thank GOD he had the suggestion already in his mind that she should be buried up in northern Minnesota in the same cemetery as her parents and closest brother. I just felt like it was perfect choice.
It would be exactly as she would have wanted it.
Jump ahead to August 5, 2017. Many conversations had, many decisions made, and how perfect that on her birthday, we were able to all come together and remember her life, celebrate all that she had given us, and bury her ashes. I made sure to have some of her ashes pulled for two small heart urns that matched hers for Steve and I...also making sure that those who wanted some of her ashes would get some.
I was able to go up to Grand Forks the night before and spend the evening with my Godmother and her family. It is always a wonderful time together as we know there will be such laughs and giggles and reminiscing happening. The next morning, I drove up to Shevlin with my Godmother...and it was just felt perfect. I will always cherish that drive...such a wonderful heart-to-heart discussion and I felt more at peace with all that was going on in my life after I talked to her. I am so grateful for her, and their, love and support.
The service was short and well attended. The pastor had a few prayers and read Mom's bible verses. We gave everyone roses...either to keep or to leave on Mom's grave with a prayer from them for her.
My journey had brought me to this point and I was once again reminded of Theodore Roosevelt and the idea of a "Life Well-Lived" and you know what...she truly had done that... I wrote a poem read at the service that I share here for you all:
A life well lived
Today we celebrate the
life well lived
A legacy left behind
Remembering her journey
and fondly recalling her gifts.
A passion for her
fellow man.
A traveler of the
world.
A smile to light up any
room.
A hug to calm the hurt or
to say hello.
Courage to do the right
thing, to fight the good fight, with fire in her heart.
To love life and others
so deeply and fully and without expectation.
To spread positivity
and light to others making each day a great one.
Being grateful for each
day completed because each day is not guaranteed.
Soaring with eagles…on
wings of living life to the absolute fullest capacity.
Seeing the bigger
picture and dreaming just as big
Having immense faith
that God would be there guiding the entire course of her life.
Allowing others to see
her vulnerable side.
Love freely given…a
lifetime of support and guidance.
Always there when others
needed you.
Never realizing the
immense gifts she gave to all of us, leading her life with strength, with hope,
with joy and with grace.
Until it was gone and
now the quiet is deafening and we feel the absence.
But are so grateful for
the legacy left for us to follow, to cherish, to lead by.
Grateful for it all.
Fly free, sweet spirit,
and know you did good. Your journey is complete and now you can rest.
How lucky we all feel
to have been a part of a life well lived.
You will be missed but
always loved and adored.
We listened to the new version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/A Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole which just felt perfect. The pastor let everyone go.
There were so many hugs.
There were so many tears.
My heart was full and so so broken.
Thank GOD for the arms around my waist during the service and for the hugs and well wishes.
After many had gone on to the potluck dinner gathering...the following moment just seemed so appropriate. Steve and I were there when this amazing, wonderful, vibrant woman left us to go onto the next stage...and he and I were able to bury her ashes together...with the side help of my brother-in-laws.
It felt poetic.
It felt perfect.
And it felt "as she would have wanted it"
And I know she was smiling down on us all.
I know she was so proud of all that Steve and I were able to do for her.
And I was finally able to check that final check mark on my list of what I needed to do for her and for her departure.
And I felt even more peace and comfort knowing that I had accomplished something extremely important for her.
What a journey this all turned out to be. A lot of time to collect my thoughts. A great moment to reconnect with family and friends. A chance to regroup and find a small sense of closure. Looking back on everything, it was perfect. Everything was as "she would want it" and I feel a strong sense of completion in begin able to do this for her. For myself. For my family.
Kindness on my heart and reconnecting with a strong sense of gratitude at all times. Finding peace on the heart, and follow the path and course of loving everyone as fully and as deeply as you possibly can. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you have to live each moment as fully as you possibly can...take time to enjoy the journey...the drive can get blurry if you get going too fast.
On the way home, I want to think that Mom had arranged a wonderful, dramatic, breath-taking, beautiful road trip finale...I mean come on...all of this in a 14 hour drive? AMAZING.
And make sure your life is a 
Jump ahead to August 5, 2017. Many conversations had, many decisions made, and how perfect that on her birthday, we were able to all come together and remember her life, celebrate all that she had given us, and bury her ashes. I made sure to have some of her ashes pulled for two small heart urns that matched hers for Steve and I...also making sure that those who wanted some of her ashes would get some.
A life well lived
So many years ago, a little boy slowly descended the ravine into an amplitheatre built there. The benches were rough, the path down was long, and the experience was magical. We, as many North Dakotans, went to this musical every year. That little boy was in awe of the music, the dancing, the live horses, the stories being told, the history lesson brought to life, the fireworks. It was all amazing to his little mind and he just sat there year after year taking it all in, vowing one day to try and become a part of it all...Jump ahead to a cold February morning...this little boy...now off to his first year of college...hopped a plane to head to Minneapolis for an audition. He was so green behind the ears...not even sure I remember the audition song or the dance routine...but I remember the feeling of getting that call from Fred Smith those many years ago, telling me that I would be a Burning Hills Singer that summer. And that opened the door to a vast amount of adventures, terrific memories, life stories, WONDERFUL friendships that have withstood the tests of time, and experiences beyond compare. From working in the town of Medora during the day, to clogging on HUGE moths on the stage under the starry skies, to mice having babies in your boot found right before you have to go on, to rainouts, to the parties back in Belfield...our home away from home...with folks who quickly became dear friends...
It is a little jarring to go back and see their Ticket Booth Building at the top of the Hill. Lots and lots of photos and memories of past productions...over 50 years worth of photos and costumes and memorabalia. I say jarring as they have lifesize cut-outs of my very first year during our clogging routine.
They are magnificent and grand.
And the more I look at that list...the more, at various times in my life, I know that this represents my parents. I am so grateful for their gift of life, for leading me in the proper directions, for nurturing me, for taking care of me and making sure I had everything I would need, for guiding me in faith, for showing me I am strong enough, and for giving my the foresight to "Go it Alone" but to be grateful for the journey.
I also felt like we needed a little levity from the moment...So here are a few selfies taken at the Buffalo Sculpture on the Heritage Center grounds on the Capitol Grounds in Bismarck. I took my husband to see the Heritage Center back for my twentieth high school reunion and we took a couple of goofy photos here at this sculpture...so I snapped a few more to send to him and the friends who were with us that day many years ago...It made all of us giggle.
His name is Buffy. And we have joked in the past that that I have left my now husband for someone bigger, someone brawnier, and someone beefier.
