ohhhhhhhhhhhhh friends!!!!
This is me to a TEE!!!
I have always been a people pleaser, almost to a fault.
I have spent years upon years upon years attempting to make my parents proud...
my grandparents proud...
friends proud...
And always knowing that I need to be there for others...
Who may or may not be there for me in return.
And forgetting the importance of finding a strong sense of self.
Here is what I am learning about myself...
People pleasers have an incredibly strong desire for approval and validation from others and very well may be totally insecure in their own various relationships. Results? They tend to conform to decisions or aspects that they may not necessarily agree with. Most of all, people pleasers attempt to give out all the airplane oxygen masks before putting on their own first...nourishing others and depleting yourself at a major cost.
This description was totally me until the warning flags went off in my head. Perhaps it was age. Perhaps I still have more to learn about this and am still deep in the trenches of this aspect of my personality. This strong desire for approval still haunts me. I work so hard to make sure the job I am doing not only is to the quality I expect, but also that it will make those close to me proud, Those I respect and admire proud, or those in charge of the experience okay with the job I have done. And it is usually comes at a great cost to me personally and lessens the accomplishments.
Heads up...totally honest moment...I am in a transitional part of my life...I think it has alot to do with my age, my view of my life, and who I want to be versus where I saw myself years ago at this point in my life. I am realizing that fundamentally at my core, I have always had a strong insecure sense of self...I always have. I have never been fond of the bean pole frame I had when growing up. NEVER took my shirt off...in fact HATED it. I considered myself weaker to the other guys around me. Weaker and not very athletic. Hated all things sports. And just plain considered myself weak... to be honest...I have carried this with me all of my life...
One particular moment is emblazoned on my heart and memories. I was in Boy Scouts growing up and kinda liked it? I was in it for my father if I am going to be honest. Transferred out to join show choir and theater later on. SHOCKER. We were all over at a fellow scout's house and just completed the meeting and were outside playing. It was suggested that we play basketball. I melted down a bit as I did not want to play basketball. My dad was embarrassed, I think, and scolded me and forced me to play...it was then decided that we would be playing "shirts versus skins". The concept or possibility of me having to take my shirt off to play this game I did not want to play was too much and I melted down even farther. My dad was pissed!!! I did not want to be there. I was weaker than the other boys and definitely not as popular as they were...and skinnier than they were...perhaps learning that I was attracted to them as well and afraid of what all that entailed and in denial...and of course, throw in the hormones of growing up...along with dealing with my coming out process and all that entails...and it messed me up.
Why were the popular boys always more confident? Stronger? Beefier and agressive and at times crueler...More out of my league...And I was just gawky, awkward, artistic, creative, and just weaker in general as I was growing and growing and growing and not comfortable in who I was as a human being on this planet.
I have carried this with me for many years. It was too much and have never had enough belief in myself...my strength, my ability to navigate through life with this strength. It has always been a challenge.
The true challenge ahead of me is the deal with the feelings and emotions of my past, find a stronger sense of my self, and learn to be even better at setting up my own personal boundaries. Set expectations for myself, try not to pay much importance to other's expectations or perceived expectations (a big issue for me), and ignore judgement or perceived judgement. Chart my own course, set boundaries, and give the importance of my time and effort and friendship to those I love.
I am working on myself and building myself up physically, thanks to my husband. I am working out and trying to feel better about my body and just about me in general. I force myself to get up every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 4:45 am and go work out with a personal trainer. It is the only way I can motivate myself to stay in it. I have had the gym memberships in the past purely out of self guilt and not always liking what I see in the mirror. I still don't if I am going to be particularly honest with you. However, as RuPaul always says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" And I am jumping up and down over here in the corner screaming AMEN!!!!!!
Justin is in workout mode to build lots and lot of muscle...I am just trying to lose weight and grow to like who I see in the mirror every morning. I need to build my own strength in myself and my sense of self, not only for myself, but also for Justin. He pushes me, in all the best ways, to become a better version of myself and always has. I am forever grateful to him for it all.
This sounds selfish and perhaps it is on some levels...however I am also learning it is okay to say "no". I am learning that I have to make sure that my priorities are clear and consistent...I have trouble with this...I need to learn to be more assertive and speak my mind if I don't agree with something.
Always learning, friends...even with a pending 48th birthday...
Where did those years go?
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