New tattoos...

I have been looking for quite some time for a new tattoo idea.
I really love this design...
It speaks to me and reminds me of the rugged beauty of northern Minnesota and also reminds me of very fond childhood memories...going up to stay with grandparents for the summer, playing in the woods and creating forts out of randomness...playing with cousins...life so much simpler during those days than where I currently am...so carefree...a gentle reminder of days gone by...
But also at its core is the strong tree...and at the roots...that is where I want to place the word "LOVE" and surrounding the circle...the signatures of those who have formed who I am today...my Mom and Dad, my Grandma, my step-mom, my godmother and godfather, my cousin Sherri, my dear friend Miz P...My hope is that the signatures can run along the circle outline...but perhaps it is too much...too busy...we shall see...

I also want to go back through cards and try to find my Mom's signature and her favorite saying "Love you to the moon and back" and have that placed on my fore arm.

Future plans for sure...

Something so easy to forget...

I happened across a wonderful book a while ago and have been reading it off and on.  I find myself not able to be an avid reader...My mind gets going and I find other things I should, could or would be doing...I saw many folks picking this book  for a read  and thought why not? I plan on trying to reconnect to it this Spring Break, slowing down enough to breathe and relax and enjoy quiet...

 and see what golden nuggets I can glean from it's pages.

It is a book entitled Present over Perfect: Leaving Behind  Frantic for a Simpler, more Sulful Way of Living"  by Shauna Niequist

Life is definitely a juggle. We push and push and push ourselves. We put on too many hats. We get caught up in the crap ton amounts of awfulness on network news and long for a way to redefine our lives...a simpler way to simplify the schedule. I am SO GUILTY of this and I constantly have to remind myself to take a breath. And those around me are the first ones to suffer, but so am I!!! I owe it to myself to make SURE I am kinder to myself. Kinder to my heart. Kinder to my head and stop the spin. Put my energy towards the greater good of myself and those around me.

What spoke to me was one of the author quotes on the back cover that encouraged me to pick up the book. It stated, "Shauna's words- equal parts elegant and urgent- invited me to remember that my worthiness, belonging, and beloved-ness are birthrights. I can't think of a more important, more desperately needed invitation" said Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Carry On, Warrior and Love Warrior.

First book sample that screamed at me:

I know RIGHT??? Core shaking

Unflashy...unspectacular...and sometimes tired...and reminding your heart that that is an okay place 

to be...

This book is wonderful if you are struggling...

Struggling with the hectic rat race of life...

Struggling with the draining monotony of everyday life...

A reminder to just stand still for a moment, breathe, and remind yourself to just be present...connected...trust...relax...stop the spin of the mind and let the race continue around you 

and you just breathe...

Just breathe...

Just breathe...

And it will all work itself out for the greater good.

I will be sure to share more posts to come from this awesome book.

Love will stand when all else falls

Whenever life throws me curves... Whenever I get down and out...
It always comes back to the power of music in my life that moves me back onto the track I need to be on...
It always has and I am so grateful for the musical nudges that speak to me in my soul and heart. I am so grateful for this gift and am always grateful for the redirection.

My last blog post was so dark and moody and forlorn...but all of the folks who reached out really helped me to redirect my thoughts and focus on my heart and soul and helping to get me through this life...Thank you for helping me through this my friends and family...I am so forever grateful

I feel like there has been a redirect in my course...I think God places these moments in our lives just to have a little jarring... a little shake up...a much needed redirect...

I have recently been sharing one of my most favorite musicals with my Forensics kiddos. It is the Broadway musical MEMPHIS and if you have not seen it...you MUST!!! It is so powerful and scary and beautiful and poetic and hard to watch at times...but yet it is semi-autobiographical of a time period that we should never ever want to go back to...but the beauty that came out of that time period is so important as well...we can never forget.

It speaks of the Music of my Soul. YES! I love this so much...

The Music of my Soul...and that music is vast and deep and powerful and resonating... I am so grateful for the music that speaks to my soul...

There is a moving hymn that is shared in its performance that rocks my foundation...

"Feel His Love, feel His power,

Move a mountain, Change the world!

For I can't be weak much longer!

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord make me stronger."

There is another that at its core says, 

"Change never comes easy"

But it is the following number that always brings me to tears and speaks so very deeply to my soul these days and I wanted to share it with you...

"I will see you though. I'll be there for you.

We will endure what our life has in store...

Have faith and believe, like the air that you breathe...

Love will stand when all else falls."

Thank you for the redirect...

Listen to the beat and hear what's in your soul... 

You'll never let anyone steal your Rock n Roll!!!

What I regret...

I feel like I have lost a sense of my inner and outer FABULOUSNESS.

Life was so different a year ago.

I find myself working my way through various stages of emotions...wallowing in regret...forcing myself to face my days with all the positivity I can muster...because that is a lot of what I speak of on here and surely it cant be that hard to navigate and motivate... but i am finding that it is difficult...I do have regrets in this life...some I can control and put a spin on...some I see have defined my current views of the day and the landscape...some that have made me an entirely different person...both negative and positively speaking...but all defining none the less...

I face each day with a struggle to keep myself together.

I regret not spending enough time with the loved ones now gone.
I regret being busy and filling my life with schedule and things that now seem unimportant in many ways. When I was a younger man, I pushed and pushed myself to strive to do more... to be more...and now I look back and think, "WHY? Was it all worth it?" when I reflect on what I miss most now...
I wish for more time...but don't we all?

I regret being so naive...What I put out there sometimes is untrue. I am strong because that is how I want to be perceived...but inside, I am a mess. I am trying to hold it all together but then I just build myself up towards a breakdown...I experience a break...and then push myself to regroup and rebuild...because that is what we should do.

I regret being so needy and emotional. I find that I am so needy now...and I spin everything in my head...The SPIN is awful...Quiet moments do not bode well in my head. They never have and I know that I should honor those quiet moments but it is those moments that I currently dread. Quiet moments have never been a good thing for me. I get into my head and the spin is not good...it turns into a spiral at times...I am learning to stop the spin.

I regret not paying closer attention to my Mom when I was with her...everything blurs right now when I think of her...the details...there are only a few moments in our vast years together that come forward into the forefront of my mind and it makes me sad...Random moments push forward. definite images....definite moments...I just want to hold her hand again and have a glass of wine in the kitchen and giggle and laugh again...I miss the laughter. Hers and mine. I am struggling to find the laughter at times again...

And yet, I regret paying too much attention to the details for it is in these details that tend to haunt me now at times. Those final moments are what I knew that I should pay attention to however it is now those details that haunt me but will hopefully mean so much when the pain subsides...I can see her hand resting on the bed...the prayer shawl around her head tilted back...and the oxygen machine beeps sometimes wake me in the night...I wish I would have stayed longer in the hospital room after she had passed...I wish I would not have felt so creeped out by Death being in the room...It was my Mom and I needed to stay longer but I left her there for the funeral folks to come and get her body prepared for transport...I should have stayed right up until the last minute...but now I have that...

I regret wallowing and allowing darkness to creep in at times.
I regret hiding that darkness from others.

I regret losing touch with friends, near and far. "Life happens" is the phrase I consistently hear...and that just plain sucks...but it is the truth...it does happen...

I regret not being able to put into words at times my thoughts. It is easier for me to write them down rather than it is to speak them. That probably surprises many... Some think of it as being pretty passive and perhaps that is a correct analogy...Yet this is a truth I struggle with. I feel shame for not being stronger mentally and physically...

I regret allowing folks to walk over me when I was younger...older...even now...Standing up to those who hurt me or have wronged me.

I regret being ashamed of my body when I was younger. It is this body shame that I struggle with even today. I have always longed for a Adonis body that I could be proud to show off...The gay community praises and honors that ADONIS body from its youth as well as the older generation in order to get anywhere for love...but yet, I was not blessed with that...nor was I blessed with the mentality of focusing on working out for a different more pleasing body type...as I get myself into a workout mode...I ALWAYS mentally work my head space OUT of that schedule because something else takes over or takes precedence.

I regret in those younger years not believing in myself and being stronger in who I was becoming.
I regret not fighting for my beliefs.
I regret being passive at times.

However, as much as I have these regrets...I know that these are what define me as of this very day. And it is these regrets that I now have to work my way through.

What I do NOT Regret...
Always trying to live my life to the absolute fullest no matter what...This is a strong value I have always embraced and will try my very hardest to not lose sight of.
It is so easy to get sidetracked...
Living in an environment where I force myself to put on a game face and persevere my way through life with a sense of strength.
If only I could sit down and have this conversation with my Mom so she could enlighten me on how she did it...She was a master of strength or at least putting on a strong outer shell to work her way through uneasiness...
Cancer SUCKS. And as we prepared to say goodbye, it was important to me, and to Steve and Melissa, that the memorial service video be something she would be proud of...yet the struggle was how to present her struggle with CANCER as it was a HUGE part of the tail end of her life story...yet look at the following pictures we ended up not putting in the video...

Look at that SMILE!!! I am so PROUD of her for her strength in the face of this horrible disease. 

I am PROUD of her for yearning to want to be a STRONG role model for those struggling with cancer. 

Even when it hurt too much. Even when she was scared as heck. Even when she was exhausted.

She persevered.

She continued to smile.

If she can do it, I can too.

I will continue to focus on the successes in my life...And I know that there have been many successes.

I do not regret navigating my way through my life and not regretting the choices I made in regards to career. I have met so many wonderful friends, some I now consider my family.

What I need to figure out how to do is:
Be the type of person that no matter where I go or where I am, I continue to figure out how to be a positive force, like my Mom. I think it is important to be a source of guidance, a source of positivity, and source of inspiration for others. And to remind myself of this every day. I am recreating myself on some levels...but also like the song lyrics say, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to ME." Herein lies the struggle too.

I need to remind myself daily of what makes me a FABULOUS person. What makes me who I am...I need to get myself back to ME and not allow darkness to overtake me. I have got to figure out how to switch off the dark thoughts, the regrets, and live in the now...be present in the NOW and how to navigate my way back to FABULOUS.

A little something I need to remember

Oh how I forget this...

Power of beginning with YES

Found this wonderful Facebook page that has some very though provoking ideas on it...I am planning on visiting it numerous times this year...
I love this particular moment for what it says...
No matter how bad the moment is.
No matter what life throws at us.
I think we have to find the strength and courage to place both feet on the ground, push ourselves up from the bed each morning, and just take that first step towards "Now What?"
Facing each day with courage and strength.
Facing each hurdle with grace and mindedness.
Being open to new adventures.


If you are like me, it is hard these days to feel this..."Now What?" has a little bit of a difference to me these days but I do know that in time...the spring of my step will be back with a fervor and I will be able to do these all with stronger step...

However, today I place both feet on the floor, pushing myself to stand, and just Believe in the power of beginning with YES...and whisper it to myself and know that I can take that first step forward...

Onward sweet friends.
Onward...

New Year Re-solutions for 2017

I look forward and yearn for a better year. Anything would be better than what I have gone through in 2016...but I want 2017 to be more "me" focused. Not to be selfish, but I am at a crossroads...call it a mid-life crisis if you will, but never the less, I am here. I feel like I have lost something. Something I have had in me all my life and it is somehow missing. Not sure of my purpose, my goals, my sense of direction. I need to REdirect and REfocus and REgroup. Oddly, the word "resolutions" that we toy with every time each new year is REsolutions.

Take all the RE's away and you have DIRECT, FOCUS, GROUP, and SOLUTION.

I am going to DIRECT my life in a better direction. I have already stated that I feel like I have taken a turn for the better in regards to my professional career. It is not about a better professional life. But I miss theater and just beung creative in whatever capacity that comes in. I have set a tone of learning the ropes of the Forensics program at Bentonville for the 2016-2017 year and not place focus on my own acting/directing adventures to give myself the chance to grow and learn about the workings of the program I inherited. However at some point I need to figure out how to find that creative outlet I yearn for. I am going to have to figure out how to juggle this passion with the Bentonville schedule.

I look forward to directing "Sweet Charity" at the theater that holds my heart. Yes, I am in a different part of the state, but I am so thankful that they have given me this opportunity and are willing to work with me on this adventure.

Or perhaps I am headed in a new creative, artistic direction? Perhaps I need to branch out to something different artistically and be open to it?

I am going to need to find a new FOCUS on my life. And it HAS TO BE POSITIVE. I am not sure what this area has in store...more to come...and thank GOD I have folks in my life able and willing to help me find this course path.

I need, or let me rephrase this, we (Justin and I) need to find our GROUP up here. That has been one of the hurdles we have been dealt with the last six months of 2016. Along with all of the "NEW JOB" hurdles, and the death of my mother, and moving, and shift that has occurred in our lives, we are in the process of trying to find our GROUP. We are blessed that some of the friends we had when we first started dating have life courses that brought them back to NW Arkansas at the same time we made the move...amazing how life does that, huh? But hopefully 2017 will bring more hangouts, more dinners, more wine/ craft beer with a group of friends, building a stronger support group for each other.

So the SOLUTION for 2017...
Find Purpose.
Pray for a softer year because 2016 was so difficult and hard!
Share and Spread LOVE.
Surround myself with Positivity and be Kinder to myself.

And for the first time in my resolution setting life...I feel like I can get these accomplished.