Life was so different a year ago.
I find myself working my way through various stages of emotions...wallowing in regret...forcing myself to face my days with all the positivity I can muster...because that is a lot of what I speak of on here and surely it cant be that hard to navigate and motivate... but i am finding that it is difficult...I do have regrets in this life...some I can control and put a spin on...some I see have defined my current views of the day and the landscape...some that have made me an entirely different person...both negative and positively speaking...but all defining none the less...
I face each day with a struggle to keep myself together.
I regret not spending enough time with the loved ones now gone.
I regret being busy and filling my life with schedule and things that now seem unimportant in many ways. When I was a younger man, I pushed and pushed myself to strive to do more... to be more...and now I look back and think, "WHY? Was it all worth it?" when I reflect on what I miss most now...
I wish for more time...but don't we all?
I regret being so naive...What I put out there sometimes is untrue. I am strong because that is how I want to be perceived...but inside, I am a mess. I am trying to hold it all together but then I just build myself up towards a breakdown...I experience a break...and then push myself to regroup and rebuild...because that is what we should do.
I regret being so needy and emotional. I find that I am so needy now...and I spin everything in my head...The SPIN is awful...Quiet moments do not bode well in my head. They never have and I know that I should honor those quiet moments but it is those moments that I currently dread. Quiet moments have never been a good thing for me. I get into my head and the spin is not good...it turns into a spiral at times...I am learning to stop the spin.
I regret not paying closer attention to my Mom when I was with her...everything blurs right now when I think of her...the details...there are only a few moments in our vast years together that come forward into the forefront of my mind and it makes me sad...Random moments push forward. definite images....definite moments...I just want to hold her hand again and have a glass of wine in the kitchen and giggle and laugh again...I miss the laughter. Hers and mine. I am struggling to find the laughter at times again...
And yet, I regret paying too much attention to the details for it is in these details that tend to haunt me now at times. Those final moments are what I knew that I should pay attention to however it is now those details that haunt me but will hopefully mean so much when the pain subsides...I can see her hand resting on the bed...the prayer shawl around her head tilted back...and the oxygen machine beeps sometimes wake me in the night...I wish I would have stayed longer in the hospital room after she had passed...I wish I would not have felt so creeped out by Death being in the room...It was my Mom and I needed to stay longer but I left her there for the funeral folks to come and get her body prepared for transport...I should have stayed right up until the last minute...but now I have that...
I regret wallowing and allowing darkness to creep in at times.
I regret hiding that darkness from others.
I regret losing touch with friends, near and far. "Life happens" is the phrase I consistently hear...and that just plain sucks...but it is the truth...it does happen...
I regret not being able to put into words at times my thoughts. It is easier for me to write them down rather than it is to speak them. That probably surprises many... Some think of it as being pretty passive and perhaps that is a correct analogy...Yet this is a truth I struggle with. I feel shame for not being stronger mentally and physically...
I regret allowing folks to walk over me when I was younger...older...even now...Standing up to those who hurt me or have wronged me.
I regret being ashamed of my body when I was younger. It is this body shame that I struggle with even today. I have always longed for a Adonis body that I could be proud to show off...The gay community praises and honors that ADONIS body from its youth as well as the older generation in order to get anywhere for love...but yet, I was not blessed with that...nor was I blessed with the mentality of focusing on working out for a different more pleasing body type...as I get myself into a workout mode...I ALWAYS mentally work my head space OUT of that schedule because something else takes over or takes precedence.
I regret in those younger years not believing in myself and being stronger in who I was becoming.
I regret not fighting for my beliefs.
I regret being passive at times.
However, as much as I have these regrets...I know that these are what define me as of this very day. And it is these regrets that I now have to work my way through.
What I do NOT Regret...
Always trying to live my life to the absolute fullest no matter what...This is a strong value I have always embraced and will try my very hardest to not lose sight of.
It is so easy to get sidetracked...
Living in an environment where I force myself to put on a game face and persevere my way through life with a sense of strength.
If only I could sit down and have this conversation with my Mom so she could enlighten me on how she did it...She was a master of strength or at least putting on a strong outer shell to work her way through uneasiness...
Cancer SUCKS. And as we prepared to say goodbye, it was important to me, and to Steve and Melissa, that the memorial service video be something she would be proud of...yet the struggle was how to present her struggle with CANCER as it was a HUGE part of the tail end of her life story...yet look at the following pictures we ended up not putting in the video...
Look at that SMILE!!! I am so PROUD of her for her strength in the face of this horrible disease.
I am PROUD of her for yearning to want to be a STRONG role model for those struggling with cancer.
Even when it hurt too much. Even when she was scared as heck. Even when she was exhausted.
She persevered.
She continued to smile.
If she can do it, I can too.
I will continue to focus on the successes in my life...And I know that there have been many successes.
I do not regret navigating my way through my life and not regretting the choices I made in regards to career. I have met so many wonderful friends, some I now consider my family.
What I need to figure out how to do is:
Be the type of person that no matter where I go or where I am, I continue to figure out how to be a positive force, like my Mom. I think it is important to be a source of guidance, a source of positivity, and source of inspiration for others. And to remind myself of this every day. I am recreating myself on some levels...but also like the song lyrics say, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to ME." Herein lies the struggle too.
I need to remind myself daily of what makes me a FABULOUS person. What makes me who I am...I need to get myself back to ME and not allow darkness to overtake me. I have got to figure out how to switch off the dark thoughts, the regrets, and live in the now...be present in the NOW and how to navigate my way back to FABULOUS.
No comments:
Post a Comment