a sense of inadequacy...

I am seeing a theme here...
And at its core...is an ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open and emotional...and not everybody feels this way...

I know what you are saying..Higdem you cry all the time with your kiddos. And then your onstage acting moments...crying there too at times...How can you say this and be believed?

Another AH HA moment...

I have begun to understand what the true problem is...at the very core of my heart and soul is that the hustling and bustling that I have and had so deeply invested my very life mantra in has blocked my heart tones and was truthfully just a way for me to escape...away form the emptiness...and deep insecurity... and this willingness to please everybody...I have always needed people's approval...my grandparents...my parents...when I was first beginning to date...the little voice in the back of my head was that of, "Can I bring him home to Mom and Dad? Would they approve?? Never ever did I say, "Would I approve? Is this truly who I should be dating? Is this person worthy of me and what I bring to the table?"

It was always, and always has been about other people's approval...

It has NOTHING to do with stage work...that is something entirely different for me...that is something spiritual and deep and beautiful and different for me... Always has been...

But somehow this need to feel other's approval...the need to please everyone...the need to feel worthy of other's love and approval somehow has to stop. I have to figure out how to redirect my life away from all this self-hatred and emptiness and darkness...and figure out how to replace it with love...for myself...Because I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me, who get me, who try to understand me...and for them I am so grateful...but when you don't believe it yourself sometimes?
That is where it gets difficult...

And it took an earth shattering moment of my Mom's death to shake me to my core and force me into submission and begin this long journey of personal work on my heart...

I keep reminding myself of what Mom's saying was when we had the first health scare almost a year ago...

STAY THE COURSE.
KEEP THE FAITH.
STAY POSITIVE.

• AMEN...