Letting yourself be fragile...

I am having an AH HA moment and I continue to process what the book Present Over Perfect has in store for my psyche..

I am a control freak...

Unhealthily so...

...Put your giggles here...

God forbid that I appear weak...or unprepared...or not genuine...or let any anger get to me...or appear rattled...I am highly invested in maintaining my reputation as a capable person, a good son and husband, a great friend, a competent co-worker, a strong leader, a confident director and vibrant personality...
and God forbid if folks see me in a different light or differently...I am the ultimate people pleaser and God forbid that someone not like me...
I was immediately scarred and disappointed in myself...

The persona had to be glossy...

That just makes me tired reading that... and realizing how ridiculous that all seems...

I have those emotional moments...or else I would not be human... you all know I do...and I always feel like it is ok to show emotions...Men SHOULD be allowed to cry...
I have always said though that I tend more towards the feminine tendencies rather than the male side of my personality...we each have differing levels within each of us...
One of the things I am trying to learn is to let myself be fragile and kinder to myself.. and just roll when the emotions come...and this is where it gets difficult...

And with Mom's death...they sure do come...most times it was like a bulldozer...and as I get farther away from the moment that has defined my current life path...the emotions become more sneaky...but my strong sense of control and how I think others view myself as has taken over...and I need to STOP THAT.

Ideally speaking, I need to stop worrying about what others think of me. Work on myself and what I think of myself and figure out what my own identity is and should be...not dependent on what others think or believe or expect...or what I think they expect of me...

What they think should not matter...

Shauna Niequist, in Present over Perfect says, "You sit in your own skin, just being your own plain self. And it's okay. And it's changing everything."

And that shakes me to my core...I am not comfortable in my own skin... and what I want and crave most in this life I have is a life filled with love, depth, peace, and intimate personal relationships and in time find the meaning to my life...what I was called here to do...
I know there are more AH HA moments to come...
STAY TUNED...