Perhaps I am not GAY enough...a blog post on fitting in...

Forgive my endless going on and on...humor me...

My husband made a profound comment the other night and said something that actually has been on my mind and heart for quite some time.

Is it bad that there are times where I just don't feel GAY enough?

Cue the laughter and the said comments of La Cage and drag photos and all my past adventures...
But seriously...

What I am about to write comes from years of observation and does not mean to lump entire communities together...just personal feelings and observations of my heart...I am probably going to end up doing what I don't want to do anyway and upsetting or appearing to stereotype folks...but that is not the intention... I do not mean to be offensive but just trying to come at this from an honest place...But I am going to put on my Carrie Bradshaw stillettos and try my best to navigate my way through this...HIGHLARIOUS that the Sex in the City soundtrack just came on my IPOD.

So we must consider "What does it mean to be Gay Enough? Should we define ourselves by our sexuality?"

I just feel like I have never felt like I fit in...I was never comfortable in my own skin growing up...never fit in to Boy Scouts...never was a sports guy...like EVER...like I have not found my place in this world...Theater was my one true saving grace and that has always been a wonderful mesh and emotional outlet.

But seriously... I just do NOT fit in to either the gay or heterosexual community?

I look at the gay community...This community is extremely youth oriented. I am just not young enough any more, definitely not beefy enough, not pretty enough, not catty enough, and just don't want to surround myself with all the drama and pettiness that seems to surround so much of the youth of our gay community. Our history is being lost to a younger generation. And the gay youth of today surround themselves with so much anger and hatred for each other, for whoever is in their sights, for the church and government policies...rightfully so...my hope is that this portion of our community will find their voice and be able to express it so they can be heard...herein lies the problem...with all of the other stuff they embrace...no one wants to listen to the drama...

Note:  on some levels...I am pretty passive...I am not much of a fighter...or protester...or anything and maybe I should be? I have lost this in my most recent years...Or maybe I am just in denial?? Perhaps I have lost a sense of myself...Maybe this lack of belonging has put me at a disadvantage?

I look back at my days in Omaha and being Mr. Max with such fondness...the opportunity to perform and raise money for charities I believed in...Those were wonderful days that I am particularly fond of because it was sooooooo out of my comfort zone...and I was extremely visible and VERY happy to be so. But even then...I was not into the stripping, just didn't feel comfortable in my own skin as my other brothers were wearing next to nothing and was not really about that...I wanted to be known as a live performer and created my performances as such...and thankfully the brotherhood supported me in that...Sure there was the pressure to do more of the other stuff...underwear night, stripping, etc...but I was not comfortable with that or my own skin for that matter... and was able to stay true to what I wanted to accomplish with my year...and then lets not even get into all of the drinking, the rampant need for everything to be sexual, the sweaty dancing, the drugs in dark corners, or even the staying out all night... and I just wasn't and remain to this day not that type of person. Prudish I know...I was much happier it seemed with my straight friends and struggled to find my place in a community I knew I was supposed to be a part of...

I have seen so many articles on the topic of whether or not you can be Gay and be a Christian? I am a firm believer in YES! But it too is different for everybody...depending on your own particular journey and back history. I believe that when you look at the Bible and what it teaches...Old Testament is just that...OLD. New Testament is more towards my line of thinking...and when one looks at the life Jesus lead and the credos he taught us all to live our lives by...it is important to remember to love our fellow man as you love yourself...and to treat everyone with the same LOVE and RESPECT that you would expect in return...However, because everything tied to FAITH has used every known page in the book to make the gay community feel inferior and nasty and hateful and awful and most times continues to do so with vigor...this idea of Respect and Love and Golden Rules falls on deaf ears at times as well it should. I am so glad that there are religions finding their way towards redemption, including the Pope, and are trying to make amends with how hurtful they have been to the gay community...this too shall be a movement forward...I believe that

And then there are those who are thinking...WAIT A MINUTE...HOLY CRAP is Box-Higdem saying that he is hetero-sexual? And to those folks I calmly say the word that causes uneasiness in my stomach and turbulence in my gut...VAGINA. You take one look at me, listen to what I love and say, and you cannot help but watch the ladies clutch fall out of my mouth! :)

So maybe I am GAY enough. Maybe I am a part of something yet to be found. Maybe my life is in such a flux that I am finding that I need some sense of belonging to something greater...something bigger. Perhaps I just have not found a strong sense of community here in Bentonville to feel like I, or we, belong. I hadn't truly found that in Little Rock either though from the gay community...most friends continued to be straight and we have not found the strong circle of friends I had in Omaha and that is a kudos to those friendships that have endured.

Perhaps this is a mid-life identity and creativity crisis?

Give it time and we shall see if I feel the same...
Maybe it's just the fact that I do not fit into any sort of defining box and should take this as a compliment to my life? Who knows...

Remember this

AND THE BELLS GO OFF!!!

Oh.
MY.
GOODNESS.

This speaks volumes to me on so many levels...
It's a little long video...but definitely worth a watch..
but I find it so empowering and so many bells went off like CRAZY hearing her message...

Deeply connect to others on a personal level...
Have a strong intuition that guides me through my life....
OVER-ANALYZE everything....UH...YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Overwhelmed by the world around us...
Experience the world more vividly than others...
Have a strong empathetic nature and strongly feel what others feel...

All of these spoke so truthfully to my soul...
I have always felt like this is such a negative...or it always had an undertone of negativity as I looked at it?
but perhaps that is one of the callings ahead for me...

Perhaps I need to focus on rewriting the cultural narrative that sensitivity is a weakness...
I do agree that EVERYONE should have a right and not feel ridiculed for expressing their softer side...

I even felt like I was an oddity for feeling like this at times...
Yet, I find it truthful to my heart...
I am a sensitive man.
I cry quite a bit.
I am emotional.
If you can't handle my tears...that is not my problem...it is yours.

I love that I can see the world on a deeper level...
but what I have to figure out is how to navigate my way through life so that I don't take on everyone's feelings and I definitely do that at times...
I do not have to always provide suggestions....and can just listen...which is also a problem...there are times when I feel like I need to provide suggestions on how to handle life's problems....ahhhhhh the life of a teacher...
I need to remind myself that I should not feel like I need to be the rescuer...
And I should not feel a need to be rescued.

Be unashamedly yourself...
Don't feel weird...
Or FEEL WEIRD...but EMBRACE the WEIRDNESS!!!!!
It's what makes you YOU!!!!!

Letting yourself be fragile...

I am having an AH HA moment and I continue to process what the book Present Over Perfect has in store for my psyche..

I am a control freak...

Unhealthily so...

...Put your giggles here...

God forbid that I appear weak...or unprepared...or not genuine...or let any anger get to me...or appear rattled...I am highly invested in maintaining my reputation as a capable person, a good son and husband, a great friend, a competent co-worker, a strong leader, a confident director and vibrant personality...
and God forbid if folks see me in a different light or differently...I am the ultimate people pleaser and God forbid that someone not like me...
I was immediately scarred and disappointed in myself...

The persona had to be glossy...

That just makes me tired reading that... and realizing how ridiculous that all seems...

I have those emotional moments...or else I would not be human... you all know I do...and I always feel like it is ok to show emotions...Men SHOULD be allowed to cry...
I have always said though that I tend more towards the feminine tendencies rather than the male side of my personality...we each have differing levels within each of us...
One of the things I am trying to learn is to let myself be fragile and kinder to myself.. and just roll when the emotions come...and this is where it gets difficult...

And with Mom's death...they sure do come...most times it was like a bulldozer...and as I get farther away from the moment that has defined my current life path...the emotions become more sneaky...but my strong sense of control and how I think others view myself as has taken over...and I need to STOP THAT.

Ideally speaking, I need to stop worrying about what others think of me. Work on myself and what I think of myself and figure out what my own identity is and should be...not dependent on what others think or believe or expect...or what I think they expect of me...

What they think should not matter...

Shauna Niequist, in Present over Perfect says, "You sit in your own skin, just being your own plain self. And it's okay. And it's changing everything."

And that shakes me to my core...I am not comfortable in my own skin... and what I want and crave most in this life I have is a life filled with love, depth, peace, and intimate personal relationships and in time find the meaning to my life...what I was called here to do...
I know there are more AH HA moments to come...
STAY TUNED...

a sense of inadequacy...

I am seeing a theme here...
And at its core...is an ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open and emotional...and not everybody feels this way...

I know what you are saying..Higdem you cry all the time with your kiddos. And then your onstage acting moments...crying there too at times...How can you say this and be believed?

Another AH HA moment...

I have begun to understand what the true problem is...at the very core of my heart and soul is that the hustling and bustling that I have and had so deeply invested my very life mantra in has blocked my heart tones and was truthfully just a way for me to escape...away form the emptiness...and deep insecurity... and this willingness to please everybody...I have always needed people's approval...my grandparents...my parents...when I was first beginning to date...the little voice in the back of my head was that of, "Can I bring him home to Mom and Dad? Would they approve?? Never ever did I say, "Would I approve? Is this truly who I should be dating? Is this person worthy of me and what I bring to the table?"

It was always, and always has been about other people's approval...

It has NOTHING to do with stage work...that is something entirely different for me...that is something spiritual and deep and beautiful and different for me... Always has been...

But somehow this need to feel other's approval...the need to please everyone...the need to feel worthy of other's love and approval somehow has to stop. I have to figure out how to redirect my life away from all this self-hatred and emptiness and darkness...and figure out how to replace it with love...for myself...Because I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me, who get me, who try to understand me...and for them I am so grateful...but when you don't believe it yourself sometimes?
That is where it gets difficult...

And it took an earth shattering moment of my Mom's death to shake me to my core and force me into submission and begin this long journey of personal work on my heart...

I keep reminding myself of what Mom's saying was when we had the first health scare almost a year ago...

STAY THE COURSE.
KEEP THE FAITH.
STAY POSITIVE.

• AMEN...

Stop. Right Now. Remake your life from the inside out.

And what I love about that phrase is that it brings you the power to say NO when you keep saying YES. You have every right to say NO when you are too tired, when you are too busy, and when you just don't feel it. It is totally okay to take out that hack saw and hack away at all of the things that MUST GO in order for you to regain a stronger sense of your life.
And you have to stop the rollercoaster and figure this all out...or you are heading for a stroke, a heart attack, or worse...six feet under...
About two or three years ago, I began to look at my life in such a negative light. I was not happy in where I was working. I was being sucked into a negative cesspool and no amount of close friends could pull me out of it...I was super busy feeling like I had to juggle everything in order to maintain what my mentors had created. I felt like I had to be everything for everyone. I had to direct this. I had to host this. I had to make sure that I was holding my own in regards to the hours everybody in the department was putting in to make sure there was no complaining about my productivity..."We all get paid the same stipend." knowing full well that it was not equal nor could it ever be... I was struggling to be everything for everyone and failing miserably...

But my relationships were struggling...and I had to try to figure out a way to find that happy medium. Find a different journey to follow. Chart a different course. In order for my family to be successful and happy and full and then let the job fall into place around that. But at the core, if you are not happy...no one is happy.

I fail miserably at times in regards to this and am still working my way through this...I am a people pleaser...

But I began to redefine my boundaries on what I would and would not do...and making more time for Justin. For the home. For our families. And those folks who understood were fully supportive of my new way of looking at things...and those who were not...were removed from the process... Harsh? But necessary. And a new work environment was needed and for those who knew I was leaving...fully suppported the decision to my face...even though they were super sad to see me go...and I get that and appreciate them that much more for it...but when a negative cesspool continues to suck your soul and your time and your creativity and your passion and gives you nothing in return to build you up...it is time for a reshift...

And I continue to redefine my role and how to regulate TOO MUCH on the schedule  even today with the new job....and it is a struggle because I want to say YES to everything my kiddos want to do at school and with competitive speech and we are having to navigate our ways through that journey...as it is all brand new terrain.

I am learning the boundary of NO and will be putting it into place in my life...It is time to look at my life from the inside and begin to set these boundaries as to what I will and will not allow to define large portions of its course.

Using work and a "schedule" to define your life

What is so interesting about my time with the book Present over Perfect...

It speaks of the busy life, how everyone is just so BUSY. Life is so hectic. Schedule is just so cram packed....and I am so guilty of this...and then the phrase But what are you going to do? pops up and then it goes to another plane...another level

SO many of my friends have said this to me...
almost at times as an excuse to not touch base on a more regular basis. But you know what? I have used this phrase as well and embarrassingly.

I have said, "But what are you going to do?"

Shauna Niequist, author of the above book, goes on to tell a story of a young pastor whose church has exploded with congregants...and when he speaks to an older pastor about this very issue...the older pastor goes on to say..."You built this, and its okay to say that. You've intentionally and strategically built this very large church." The younger pastor kept protesting, preferring the phrase, "We had nothing to do with it"...
"Well not nothing,' the older pastor went on to say. "You kept putting up more chairs."

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness...
YES!!!!!!!!!!

I am a very intense, overly dramatic, passionate person when it comes to my creativity and the arts. I will bend over backwards to help out where I can, especially if I believe in a project or feel creatively inspired. Work also takes up so much of my time...I try o hard to make sure that I am pulling my weight, that I am doing a great job, that I am not disappointing others or myself for that matter..

But it is also an infringement on my time for other important levels in my life...family...friends...faith... and yet I continued to pile on the jobs in an attempt to feel artistically fulfilled.

and we keep putting up  more and more chairs...

I need to be better...Prioritizing what has a higher appropriate level of work in regards to Justin and I...I find that there are numerous times when I need to better about setting the boundaries as to what I will allow to take up my time. I have to... for my family...for my friends...for my health.

Many of us pretend that we don't have a choice...but at the very core of the situation...you really do have a choice...and you have chosen. But did you choose correctly?

Perhaps it is time to take down some chairs...

Anxiety and the heart...

I am so guilty of this...getting so caught up in the SPIN as best as I can define it.

I am working on ways to "Stop the Spin"...

But it is so difficult.

I wake up in the middle of the night and just cannot get back to sleep...too much on the brain...and will lay there in the dark listening to Justin sleep...tossing and turning...trying to stop the spin going on in my head...I go from memories of my Mom...to the final moments...to should I have done more...to school stuff that still needs to be done...to apartment stuff that needs to be done...to when we should begin to search for a new house...to stuff I need to do to redirect to my life...to so much else on the brain...

Perhaps this one should have said: "Happiness and Inner Peace can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

Just gotta remember to turn on the light...

And I am struggling to figure out how to turn this light on in those overwhelming moments. I will be perfectly honest, I am working with a therapist to help me through this. I have reached out for therapist's help in the past...post 9/11...dealing with failure...dealing with various parts of my personality...and I SWEAR by it. It is NOT a sign of weakness or a sign of failure. It is definitely recognizing that you might not be able to work through this all alone, that you are human...and that you are strong enough to reach out for a firmer grasp of what life is throwing at you. And it is OK. It is strength. It is grasping stronger ground and working your way through a life maze.

And you know what??  I love that it is Dumbledore who says this...I sure do wish he was real so that I could shake his hand and thank him for the direction he has meant in my life. And that childlike quality of my life comes quickly in and I find myself wishing that there was a magic wand that could erase all of this life stuff and rectify the situation...but it is in those moments when I realize that life has thrown a LARGE amount of hurdles here lately and it is all in how I work my way through it all and emerge stronger and more directed that will define who I am...

Perhaps someday I will meet his creator and can thank her personally.