Back to life...

In a recent article from O magazine, Sheryl Sandberg wrote a wonderful article on grief entitled, Back to Life.  She shares her experience dancing with grief and how to climb out of it...

Here are some of the excerpts that really moved me...

A widow wrote her and said, "Try as I might, I can't come up with a single thing that I know that will help you."

How true!!

Each one of us, as I am learning, goes through this process differently and experiences it differently and you just have to go THROUGH it...not sitting down and letting it just take you over...but you also have to rely on your own personal strength and don't feel a need to rush it. One of the things that I have found that is helping me is to just honor the feelings and emotions as they come, let them wash over me, and letting them subside...and they always do for me, which I am thankful for.

I am so very lucky to have been able to rely on the shoulders of my husband, my father and step-mother, my sister Elizabeth, and yes even my step-dad and sister... though we all have a different grief journey to take... and so many wonderful loving friends who sadly have gone through this in the past few years...

I have relied on the knowledge of my therapist, which I would never deny to anyone that I needed a therapist to go through this...

and lots and lots of reading to navigate my way through to where I am today...

Not out of the undercurrent as of yet, but navigating...

Sandberg also provides 6 benchmarks that I love and wanted to share with you...

1. YOU CAN GROW IN RESILIENCE

She writes, "I hurt...Those feelings would need to run their course, and I would be vulnerable. But my beliefs and actions could shape how quickly I moved through grief and where it took me, and seeing me work through it would show my family they'd be okay too. At first it seemed unimaginable, but planting seeds of resilience and knowing they would eventually yield emotional stamina gave me hope."

2. AVOID THE THREE P'S

a. Personalization: "A belief that we are at fault for what's happened. Not everything that happens is because of us."

b. Pervasiveness: "Thinking that a traumatic event would color everything always. Getting back to our routines helped remind us of what we still had and pulled us into the present, where we could forget grief, if just for moments at a time."

c. Permanence: "For months, I felt that crushing despair would be my lifelong condition. The thought of forever without (my loved one) was paralyzing. I found that if I stopped fighting those moments, they passed quickly. The fog of intense pain began to lift now and then, and it struck me that dealing with grief was like building personal endurance- you discover strength you didn't know you had.

3. TELL OTHERS WHAT YOU NEED

I am SOOOOOOOOO not good with this at times. I have been dealing with my own vulnerability and reaching out for help or a listening ear is not always easy at times for me. 

Sandberg speaks of the awkwardness folks feel during these times of someone else's grief and how silence can be debilitating. Yet she speaks of the importance of acknowledging other's pain and grief and be willing to ask the tough questions. I have found that by getting my grief out on this blog, it helps me to process and in turn, gives others a weighing mechanism as to where I am emotionally and physically in my journey. I think it also helps those down the line to have followed my journey and in turn they can take golden nuggets of knowledge I have found to maybe help them when the time comes to begin this journey.

And for others to know that it is OK to not say anything, but to honor the grief other's may be feeling and to ask folks how they are TODAY.

A powerful statement she shares: "I began by describing the void and how easy it was to get stuck in it. I wrote that I wanted to choose meaning over numbness and desolation."

4. FOLLOW THE PLATINUM RULE: Treat others as THEY want to be treated. 

"Nothing makes you more aware of the value of this maxim than being in pain yourself, which in turn can make you more attuned to others' needs in the future"

5. LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK

It is important to get your feelings out, whether it is talking to a good friend or journaling/blogging about it.  "Being kind to ourselves is an antidote to the cruelty we sometimes self-inflict on ourselves for not being perfect, and writing offers a powerful tool for honing this skill. Turning feelings into words helps us process and overcome adversity. Journaling became a key part of my recovery, letting me sort through my overwhelming feelings and my all-too-many-regrets."

She continues, "A traumatic experience is a seismic event that shakes our belief in a just world, robbing us of our sense that life is controllable, predictable, and meaningful."

Victor Frankl wrote, "When we are no longer able to change a situation...we are challenged to change ourselves." 

PROFOUND...and difficult...but necessary.

6. RECLAIM JOY

She concludes, "I had gained strength just by surviving. And it is the irony of all ironies to experience tragedy and come out feeling more grateful. Alongside my sadness, I found a greater appreciation for what I used to take for granted- family, friends, and simply being alive. Tragedy can lead us to develop new and deeper relationships and to find greater meaning. The death of one self can free us to imagine a new one."

What I know for sure is gratitude I feel towards the wonderful family and friends I have reconnected with and found a deeper relationship with each of them through all of this. I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have felt over the months and hope that I can repay it when the time comes.
My hope is to find the greater meaning in all of this...
I am not fully there as of yet but can see the great depth of value in all of Sandberg's  ideas and points.
I know it is still the journey I must continue to take...the hill I must climb in order to get to the top and take in the view...
To leave all of it at the summit and come down the other side a new soul, deeper in thought and relationships, and stronger in my core.
That is my hope anyway.

True Kindness....

This world is so CRAZY these days.
It truly is becoming a mean world.
Filled with hate.
Filled with sadness.
Filled with zero accountability for actions towards others.

But I love this saying...
Surely each of us can find a way to be a voice in the darkness.
One voice will lead to two.
Two to three.
And so on and so on.

But you have to continue to embrace kindness.
Embrace genuine acts of love.
Embrace genuine personality.
Who cares if others are different than you? Embrace that too!!!

It is our differences that make us unique and exciting.
Why do we embrace fear and ridicule difference?
How bland life is without a mere shade of color...

I pray for the mending to begin SOON!!

I love this phrase, "with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally."

I say YES to this.
I say BRING IT ON.
I think I can do this...but I need help.

"The broken world waits in the darkness for the light that is you."

I am reminded...

I went back into my FB messages and found a dear friend of mine who reached out just as Mom was slipping away...he reminded me of a poem I had posted a long while back and it struck a chord with me and I wanted to reshare it with all of you...

On the Day I Die

FEBRUARY 29, 2016 / JOHN PAVLOVITZ

On the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.   

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines, will fade away.

My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.

The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.

The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before while I lived.

These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.

Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one more thing that will happen.

On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.

They will feel a void.

They will feel cheated.

They will not feel ready.

They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.

And on that day, more than anything in the world they will want more time with me.

I know this from those I love and grieve over.

And so knowing this, while I am still alive I’ll try to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very precious—and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.

I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about all the other things that will happen on the day I die, because many of those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.

Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping you from living even as you live; vying for your attention, competing for your affections.

They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating Now with those who love you and want only to share it with you.

Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.
It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.

Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you’ve been led to believe matters, because on the day you die, the fact is that much of it simply won’t.

Yes, you and I will die one day.

But before that day comes: let us live.

As beautifully as we can...

Today this resonates with me...

I agree with this whole-heartedly. 

I love the word "bravely".

I have seen so much bravery exemplified in my life.

My mother was the epitome of the word.

Facing the cancer head on and doing it all with a smile on her face.

There are so many women facing this evil disease with the same stream-lined focus...

all around us.

And we must be willing to take on the role of CHEERLEADER and CARE-GIVER and RISK-TAKER and NURTURER and MODEL to others.

It is IMPORTANT that we do that for them, for the rest of the family, no matter what the emotional roller coaster you may be feeling during the process.

But she not only exemplified this in the last few years, but through her entire life...to make choices that may not have been the most popular. To demand a change in her life and to face the uncertainty of that decision. 

To understand the phrase "Leap, and the net will follow".

But there are two other gentlemen who exemplify bravery to me as well.

My dad is one of the bravest men I know.

To have lived through war. To have fought when the outcome was not so sure.  

To have followed dreams no matter where they led.

To provide guidance where and when it was needed.

To have such a strong belief system to be willing to make such a spiritual life change in the prime of life when others are sitting back and enjoying the fruits of their labors in retirement.

I am so grateful for the example he has set not only for me but to our entire family.

He leads with love in his heart and never shows the struggle.

My step-dad is also one of the bravest men I know.

We have only been together a short time, but during that time, I have seen so much bravery in his demeanor and actions with regards to the unknown. 

Not knowing what the next day would bring with regards to Mom and her struggle.

Trusting that together they made the correct decisions.

Supporting her day in, day out and doing what must be done to ensure that her treatment continued without hiccups.

Holding her when the going got tough.

Loving her through the struggles and hurdles life threw at them.

I could not have asked for a better knight in shining armor to take on such a challenge.

I tell him all the time and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives, but the gratitude I feel for all he did for my Mom is immeasurable. 

Such a boundless love. 

Bravery comes in all shapes and forms.

These three are prime examples of lives WELL LIVED and lives lived FULLY and BEAUTIFULLY.

None of them would boast of this...for they face each day humbly and with gratitude for the life they have been given. But what a gift and an amazing example they have given.

It seems appropriate that Father's Day is this Sunday. Just a little post to say THANK YOU. To two amazing men in my life who have made such a strong impact through their guidance and love.

I am grateful for the examples they have given me and our families.

We can all aspire to be as much...

I know I will live my life with all of this in mind

Battle on, my fellow sojourners...

With bravery on your heart and in your mind.

Live your lives to the absolute fullest brim.

Beautifully.

Fully.

Fill every moment with love and hugs.

As bravely as possible.

Awakening...

One of my kiddos performed a wonderful poetry piece for their final project today. It struck another chord with me and brought tears to my eyes.

Sections from the poem "Awakening" by Asia Samson spoke to me so deeply almost shockingly so...

"Faster is faded, we're still waiting for a miracle.
Faster it faded, my face planted to my mother's belly 'mommy this hurts'
Faster it faded, and then it was finished.

The monitors dropped to zero, and as her breath emptied and her heart beat slowed, her fiance' removes the ring from her finger, ties it to his necklace and says 'How fitting, It was her heart that was the last to go.'

It was silent after that.

'Put in a good word to God for us.' He says.

And that's when I knew: that all along we failed to see the light at the end of the tunnel she was going through, Because while we were all praying for her awakening, the awakening was really meant for us. to remind us that life is a coma we can still choose to wake up from. That faith means not having to wait for the sun to come, because sometimes the sun does not come. But we can still rise on our own. Her last breath has already blown life into the candles of our bones, with nothing more than a wish for us to live more fully.

You've surrendered your life for too many winters. We'll take it from here. Sleep now and wherever you wake may you be reborn with wigs on your back. Fly into the sun and know that when our winters end, spring will come and we'll see each other again, so until then...

Yeah, put in a good word to God for us."

Can you see what I mean? It was another one of those moments where I realized, "huh, we are gonna have another one of THOSE break downs." You roll with it and then let it pass.

I do feel a bit of an awakening happening. One of my favorite lines from one the the shows I watch spoke of being able to talk about your loved one and not break into tears. I have made it to the moment and ability to be able to speak of my mother and not be consistently debilitated with tears. I think that is huge. Sure the tears still come and they always will.

Grief is so debilitating and I was not fully prepared for that realization. It kicks you in the gut and takes your breath away. Many just don't understand until you are faced with it knocking at your door. I was not prepared for this and have said numerous times that the deaths of my grandparents were all sad and heartbreaking. Yet, I bounced back fairly quickly...maybe it is youth? I don't know...but this death  struck me down and kicked me out repeatedly and I found myself having to navigate a journey I was not fully prepared to have to take even though deep down I knew that this was thee result that would occur.

I found myself wanting to just curl up and close myself off in a dark closet and just sit down and not move. But I knew that could not do that. I had to push forward. For my family. For my husband. For my students. For myself. So I  GOT UP, DRESSED UP, SHOWED UP, and NEVER GAVE UP.

Many friends have reached out and have said that my Mom would not want me to be sad, that she would want me to eventually move forward and live my life to the fullest. I agree but have also felt like saying, "But she is not here in order to say that...she doesn't get to say that... because it is not her grief to live through. It is mine and mine alone."

I have found a saying that states "Grief is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love just gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." I firmly believe this statement to be true.

We prepare for her burial in August. I prepare to be able to check off the last box of my checklist for her, as her son, as one of her confidantes, as one of her cheerleaders, as one of her journey mates, and as one of her protectors. It is the last ceremonial endeavor to provide rest for her and somewhat for our family...though I know that it will be different for each of us.

Her memory lives on in me, she lives on in me and day by day I can feel myself growing towards what the next steps on this path of life entail and will be like. I can feel the "new normal" beginning to evolve.

I am awakening and moving forward because I KNOW I MUST. I know I can. I know it is what she would want, tears and all.

"I tire of 'Me'... "

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought this very phrase...
It hit me again today when it showed up in one of my student's poetry pieces...
The words came out of her mouth and struck such a chord with me.

There are numerous times when it is exhausting keeping up with ME. Keeping up with my thoughts...slowing down enough to really catch the true thoughts...slowing down enough for a spiritual touch base...

What I need is a break.
What I need is a break to regroup and stop...
Deal with my heart and mind and get them in sync...
My mind races...
I get caught up in too much of the events of the nation, bogged down with the events of the day, overwhelmed by the events of my life... struggle with what is on my heart and I just need a slowing mechanism...a gentle reminder to stop...

STOP.
BRAKES.
Breathe.
Regroup.
RECONNECT to LIFE Rhythm...which is always there...faintly...but there.

To be honest...
There are times when I struggle to find joy.
To find happiness.
To find purpose.
To make sense of what is going on around me.
I question EVERYTHING.
I struggle through the loudness and chaos of my mind...
The loud voices of the rat race...
Pulled in many different directions.
Causing my to lose sight of the end goal and purpose in my life...

And I just make myself tired with all this stuff.
I just plain exhaust myself.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way...I am stating the obvious to a lot of us.
Sometimes I am TOO MUCH.

Being aware of this is the first step...
And getting it off my head and onto the page really helps me navigate my way through the overwhelming breakdown I feel...

I hear the words from a lot of you guys...
"Be kind to yourself."
"Give it time"
"Be easy on your heart"

I totally get this...
I am listening.
These words are always fast on my lips and on my mind when it gets overwhelming and I am learning...
And what immediately follows is gratitude and gratefulness...
For YOU.
For the race.
For life and all it has to offer.
And because of each and every one of you...
I find the energy to keep going.
Keep moving onward.
Keep attempting to figure it all out and for the joy and love I feel from each of you.

I thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.

Love/ Hate

And this is one of those hurdles.

I struggle with being a people pleaser. 

I have have struggled with this idea that I needed other people's approval in order to be happy, in order to assure myself that I was doing a good job.

 I needed constant assurance that I was doing a good job. 

And WHY? 

Because I was not secure in my own heart and head.

I have lived my entire life wondering the fact that perhaps I had disappointed someone and it always made me so sad. I lived my life hoping that I would never disappoint my parents, my grandparents, my family. And my entire thought process at times was centered around this rather than focusing on what my own thoughts and views were.

And you now what? 

It is GOING TO HAPPEN. 

And you have no control over other people's views or thoughts of you 

and your work 

and your heart 

and your actions. 

It is all on THEM and THEM alone.

It is all on them and has NOTHING to do with you...it is out of your control...

So why waste the energy and thought process on their approval and spend more valuable time working on YOU?

Why the  constantly need to have someone elses' approval? 

What should COUNT is did you feel success?

 Did you personally acheive an inner goal you set? 

What did you learn from the process?

And NEVER FORGET...be kind on yourself...

Be soft and always find a positive in each life experience.

There are always successes in amongst the life learning experiences. 

Areas of Opportunity to make yourself better. 

Make sure you find those in order to feel successful and work towards trying to silence the negative thoughts. 

Silence this constant need to please others and work on YOU and YOUR OWN VOICE.

You are your own biggest negative critic.

It's time to quiet the inner critic and work on finding the point where the one who defines your own success is YOU and YOU ALONE.