Here are some of the excerpts that really moved me...
A widow wrote her and said, "Try as I might, I can't come up with a single thing that I know that will help you."
How true!!
Each one of us, as I am learning, goes through this process differently and experiences it differently and you just have to go THROUGH it...not sitting down and letting it just take you over...but you also have to rely on your own personal strength and don't feel a need to rush it. One of the things that I have found that is helping me is to just honor the feelings and emotions as they come, let them wash over me, and letting them subside...and they always do for me, which I am thankful for.
I am so very lucky to have been able to rely on the shoulders of my husband, my father and step-mother, my sister Elizabeth, and yes even my step-dad and sister... though we all have a different grief journey to take... and so many wonderful loving friends who sadly have gone through this in the past few years...
I have relied on the knowledge of my therapist, which I would never deny to anyone that I needed a therapist to go through this...
and lots and lots of reading to navigate my way through to where I am today...
Not out of the undercurrent as of yet, but navigating...
Sandberg also provides 6 benchmarks that I love and wanted to share with you...
1. YOU CAN GROW IN RESILIENCE
She writes, "I hurt...Those feelings would need to run their course, and I would be vulnerable. But my beliefs and actions could shape how quickly I moved through grief and where it took me, and seeing me work through it would show my family they'd be okay too. At first it seemed unimaginable, but planting seeds of resilience and knowing they would eventually yield emotional stamina gave me hope."
2. AVOID THE THREE P'S
a. Personalization: "A belief that we are at fault for what's happened. Not everything that happens is because of us."
b. Pervasiveness: "Thinking that a traumatic event would color everything always. Getting back to our routines helped remind us of what we still had and pulled us into the present, where we could forget grief, if just for moments at a time."
c. Permanence: "For months, I felt that crushing despair would be my lifelong condition. The thought of forever without (my loved one) was paralyzing. I found that if I stopped fighting those moments, they passed quickly. The fog of intense pain began to lift now and then, and it struck me that dealing with grief was like building personal endurance- you discover strength you didn't know you had.
3. TELL OTHERS WHAT YOU NEED
I am SOOOOOOOOO not good with this at times. I have been dealing with my own vulnerability and reaching out for help or a listening ear is not always easy at times for me.
Sandberg speaks of the awkwardness folks feel during these times of someone else's grief and how silence can be debilitating. Yet she speaks of the importance of acknowledging other's pain and grief and be willing to ask the tough questions. I have found that by getting my grief out on this blog, it helps me to process and in turn, gives others a weighing mechanism as to where I am emotionally and physically in my journey. I think it also helps those down the line to have followed my journey and in turn they can take golden nuggets of knowledge I have found to maybe help them when the time comes to begin this journey.
And for others to know that it is OK to not say anything, but to honor the grief other's may be feeling and to ask folks how they are TODAY.
A powerful statement she shares: "I began by describing the void and how easy it was to get stuck in it. I wrote that I wanted to choose meaning over numbness and desolation."
4. FOLLOW THE PLATINUM RULE: Treat others as THEY want to be treated.
"Nothing makes you more aware of the value of this maxim than being in pain yourself, which in turn can make you more attuned to others' needs in the future"
5. LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK
It is important to get your feelings out, whether it is talking to a good friend or journaling/blogging about it. "Being kind to ourselves is an antidote to the cruelty we sometimes self-inflict on ourselves for not being perfect, and writing offers a powerful tool for honing this skill. Turning feelings into words helps us process and overcome adversity. Journaling became a key part of my recovery, letting me sort through my overwhelming feelings and my all-too-many-regrets."
She continues, "A traumatic experience is a seismic event that shakes our belief in a just world, robbing us of our sense that life is controllable, predictable, and meaningful."
Victor Frankl wrote, "When we are no longer able to change a situation...we are challenged to change ourselves."
PROFOUND...and difficult...but necessary.
6. RECLAIM JOY
She concludes, "I had gained strength just by surviving. And it is the irony of all ironies to experience tragedy and come out feeling more grateful. Alongside my sadness, I found a greater appreciation for what I used to take for granted- family, friends, and simply being alive. Tragedy can lead us to develop new and deeper relationships and to find greater meaning. The death of one self can free us to imagine a new one."
What I know for sure is gratitude I feel towards the wonderful family and friends I have reconnected with and found a deeper relationship with each of them through all of this. I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have felt over the months and hope that I can repay it when the time comes.
My hope is to find the greater meaning in all of this...
I am not fully there as of yet but can see the great depth of value in all of Sandberg's ideas and points.
I know it is still the journey I must continue to take...the hill I must climb in order to get to the top and take in the view...
To leave all of it at the summit and come down the other side a new soul, deeper in thought and relationships, and stronger in my core.
That is my hope anyway.
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