Awakening...

One of my kiddos performed a wonderful poetry piece for their final project today. It struck another chord with me and brought tears to my eyes.

Sections from the poem "Awakening" by Asia Samson spoke to me so deeply almost shockingly so...

"Faster is faded, we're still waiting for a miracle.
Faster it faded, my face planted to my mother's belly 'mommy this hurts'
Faster it faded, and then it was finished.

The monitors dropped to zero, and as her breath emptied and her heart beat slowed, her fiance' removes the ring from her finger, ties it to his necklace and says 'How fitting, It was her heart that was the last to go.'

It was silent after that.

'Put in a good word to God for us.' He says.

And that's when I knew: that all along we failed to see the light at the end of the tunnel she was going through, Because while we were all praying for her awakening, the awakening was really meant for us. to remind us that life is a coma we can still choose to wake up from. That faith means not having to wait for the sun to come, because sometimes the sun does not come. But we can still rise on our own. Her last breath has already blown life into the candles of our bones, with nothing more than a wish for us to live more fully.

You've surrendered your life for too many winters. We'll take it from here. Sleep now and wherever you wake may you be reborn with wigs on your back. Fly into the sun and know that when our winters end, spring will come and we'll see each other again, so until then...

Yeah, put in a good word to God for us."

Can you see what I mean? It was another one of those moments where I realized, "huh, we are gonna have another one of THOSE break downs." You roll with it and then let it pass.

I do feel a bit of an awakening happening. One of my favorite lines from one the the shows I watch spoke of being able to talk about your loved one and not break into tears. I have made it to the moment and ability to be able to speak of my mother and not be consistently debilitated with tears. I think that is huge. Sure the tears still come and they always will.

Grief is so debilitating and I was not fully prepared for that realization. It kicks you in the gut and takes your breath away. Many just don't understand until you are faced with it knocking at your door. I was not prepared for this and have said numerous times that the deaths of my grandparents were all sad and heartbreaking. Yet, I bounced back fairly quickly...maybe it is youth? I don't know...but this death  struck me down and kicked me out repeatedly and I found myself having to navigate a journey I was not fully prepared to have to take even though deep down I knew that this was thee result that would occur.

I found myself wanting to just curl up and close myself off in a dark closet and just sit down and not move. But I knew that could not do that. I had to push forward. For my family. For my husband. For my students. For myself. So I  GOT UP, DRESSED UP, SHOWED UP, and NEVER GAVE UP.

Many friends have reached out and have said that my Mom would not want me to be sad, that she would want me to eventually move forward and live my life to the fullest. I agree but have also felt like saying, "But she is not here in order to say that...she doesn't get to say that... because it is not her grief to live through. It is mine and mine alone."

I have found a saying that states "Grief is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love just gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." I firmly believe this statement to be true.

We prepare for her burial in August. I prepare to be able to check off the last box of my checklist for her, as her son, as one of her confidantes, as one of her cheerleaders, as one of her journey mates, and as one of her protectors. It is the last ceremonial endeavor to provide rest for her and somewhat for our family...though I know that it will be different for each of us.

Her memory lives on in me, she lives on in me and day by day I can feel myself growing towards what the next steps on this path of life entail and will be like. I can feel the "new normal" beginning to evolve.

I am awakening and moving forward because I KNOW I MUST. I know I can. I know it is what she would want, tears and all.