I am still working my through the book
"Present over Perfect" by Shauna Niequist.
Niequist writes, in the chapter entitled It's All Right Here, " I had a conversation with a fascinating man on a ferry...He told me about how passionate he was about traveling and speaking, how much he loved spreading the message of his work to people all over the world, and how the heart of it is love: Loving people wherever he met them, giving them the best of his energy, and his attentiveness. It sounded amazing."
She goes on, " And then he told me the next part of the story, which is that he became so deeply skilled at making people feel loved in an instant, and along the way he lost the ability to demonstrate actual, real love to the woman and the children who were waiting at home. Making someone feel loved in an instant is so much easier than showing someone your love over and over, day in and day out. He had become the master at quick, intense, emotional connection, and with each experience of it, he found himself less able to connect in the daily, trudging, one-after-the-other kind of ways....the quick love cost him enduring love, and it wasn't worth it."
She writes, " The pastor loves to solve other's problems, but doesn't come home with enough energy in the tank for his family's everyday problems."
She profoundly continues, "It is better to be loved than admired. It is better to be truly known and seen and taken care of by a small tribe than adored by strangers who think they know you in a meaningful way. We know that's true. But many of us, functionally have gotten the math wrong in one season or another. And many of us were utterly unprepared for the true intimacy required for a deep, vulnerable marriage...but quick charm is like sugar- it rots us. It winds us up and leaves us jonesing, but it doesn't feed us. Only love feeds us. And love happens over years, repetitive motions, staying, staying, and staying. Showing up again. Coming clean again, being seen again. That's how love is built."
It's all in here, not out there, my friends.
And boy am I guilty of all of this...it is my husband and family who suffer in regards to ALL OF THIS! The best way to describe this is the misconceptions of a career in the education field. And none of this is meant to be read as a negative, it just requires a reshift of thought so that your family does not suffer. But you have to figure it out before it is too late.
The students of today are a different breed. The best way I can describe them is a group of bright, vibrant, troubled, creative, super talented, emotionally roller-coastered, thoughtful, frustrating crew...but also beams of vampirish light. I have jokingly said that my kiddos, at times, are much like what I would imagine a vampire to be like...if you allow it all to overwhelm you, they can very easily suck the lifeblood out of you.
You emotionally give all you can to your students, to your job, to making sure you are as successful as possible in your work life and with your work family...And then you are left with nothing to give emotionally to your family and important members of your friendship pool. You begin trying to figure out how to juggle the drain of the job and all that entails and rat race with reminding yourself that you need to make sure those important to you don't get the shaft in regards to life and love together. And yet the slap in the face comes and you realize you are still so so SO GUILTY of all of this lack of connection.
It becomes a juggle. It becomes a prioritization of responsibilities and boundaries as to how much you will allow...being able to leave work AT work and not bring it home. Being open and aware that quality time together in regards to family time is a constant must. It should be your first thought and not a minor third or fourth or fifth thought...Making sure that your loved ones feel appreciated and loved...you can say the words "I love you" only so much, but when you come home emotionally drained because of all the energy it takes to make sure your work performance is where you think it needs to be, staying on top of deadlines, dealing with the stresses of work and all that entails, you don't have anything else left to give the most important people in your life. And then it becomes a question of failure to be more, be present, be emotionally connected...truthfully connected.
Actions are much better than just saying the words and thinking that they mean the same...
They don't...
The struggles are real, folks.
I fear not being enough.
I fear not being strong enough.
I fear I am the one who is not emotionally prepared for this roller-coaster.
I must find the balance.
To set the boundaries.
To set the important parameters of my life and being enough for my husband and the rest of my family.
I have failed over and over.
But I keep coming back to this moment, to this discovery, and it is my hope that my loved ones will stay with me on this ride and help me figure out my way through this maze.
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