a sense of inadequacy...

I am seeing a theme here...
And at its core...is an ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open and emotional...and not everybody feels this way...

I know what you are saying..Higdem you cry all the time with your kiddos. And then your onstage acting moments...crying there too at times...How can you say this and be believed?

Another AH HA moment...

I have begun to understand what the true problem is...at the very core of my heart and soul is that the hustling and bustling that I have and had so deeply invested my very life mantra in has blocked my heart tones and was truthfully just a way for me to escape...away form the emptiness...and deep insecurity... and this willingness to please everybody...I have always needed people's approval...my grandparents...my parents...when I was first beginning to date...the little voice in the back of my head was that of, "Can I bring him home to Mom and Dad? Would they approve?? Never ever did I say, "Would I approve? Is this truly who I should be dating? Is this person worthy of me and what I bring to the table?"

It was always, and always has been about other people's approval...

It has NOTHING to do with stage work...that is something entirely different for me...that is something spiritual and deep and beautiful and different for me... Always has been...

But somehow this need to feel other's approval...the need to please everyone...the need to feel worthy of other's love and approval somehow has to stop. I have to figure out how to redirect my life away from all this self-hatred and emptiness and darkness...and figure out how to replace it with love...for myself...Because I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me, who get me, who try to understand me...and for them I am so grateful...but when you don't believe it yourself sometimes?
That is where it gets difficult...

And it took an earth shattering moment of my Mom's death to shake me to my core and force me into submission and begin this long journey of personal work on my heart...

I keep reminding myself of what Mom's saying was when we had the first health scare almost a year ago...

STAY THE COURSE.
KEEP THE FAITH.
STAY POSITIVE.

• AMEN...

Stop. Right Now. Remake your life from the inside out.

And what I love about that phrase is that it brings you the power to say NO when you keep saying YES. You have every right to say NO when you are too tired, when you are too busy, and when you just don't feel it. It is totally okay to take out that hack saw and hack away at all of the things that MUST GO in order for you to regain a stronger sense of your life.
And you have to stop the rollercoaster and figure this all out...or you are heading for a stroke, a heart attack, or worse...six feet under...
About two or three years ago, I began to look at my life in such a negative light. I was not happy in where I was working. I was being sucked into a negative cesspool and no amount of close friends could pull me out of it...I was super busy feeling like I had to juggle everything in order to maintain what my mentors had created. I felt like I had to be everything for everyone. I had to direct this. I had to host this. I had to make sure that I was holding my own in regards to the hours everybody in the department was putting in to make sure there was no complaining about my productivity..."We all get paid the same stipend." knowing full well that it was not equal nor could it ever be... I was struggling to be everything for everyone and failing miserably...

But my relationships were struggling...and I had to try to figure out a way to find that happy medium. Find a different journey to follow. Chart a different course. In order for my family to be successful and happy and full and then let the job fall into place around that. But at the core, if you are not happy...no one is happy.

I fail miserably at times in regards to this and am still working my way through this...I am a people pleaser...

But I began to redefine my boundaries on what I would and would not do...and making more time for Justin. For the home. For our families. And those folks who understood were fully supportive of my new way of looking at things...and those who were not...were removed from the process... Harsh? But necessary. And a new work environment was needed and for those who knew I was leaving...fully suppported the decision to my face...even though they were super sad to see me go...and I get that and appreciate them that much more for it...but when a negative cesspool continues to suck your soul and your time and your creativity and your passion and gives you nothing in return to build you up...it is time for a reshift...

And I continue to redefine my role and how to regulate TOO MUCH on the schedule  even today with the new job....and it is a struggle because I want to say YES to everything my kiddos want to do at school and with competitive speech and we are having to navigate our ways through that journey...as it is all brand new terrain.

I am learning the boundary of NO and will be putting it into place in my life...It is time to look at my life from the inside and begin to set these boundaries as to what I will and will not allow to define large portions of its course.

Using work and a "schedule" to define your life

What is so interesting about my time with the book Present over Perfect...

It speaks of the busy life, how everyone is just so BUSY. Life is so hectic. Schedule is just so cram packed....and I am so guilty of this...and then the phrase But what are you going to do? pops up and then it goes to another plane...another level

SO many of my friends have said this to me...
almost at times as an excuse to not touch base on a more regular basis. But you know what? I have used this phrase as well and embarrassingly.

I have said, "But what are you going to do?"

Shauna Niequist, author of the above book, goes on to tell a story of a young pastor whose church has exploded with congregants...and when he speaks to an older pastor about this very issue...the older pastor goes on to say..."You built this, and its okay to say that. You've intentionally and strategically built this very large church." The younger pastor kept protesting, preferring the phrase, "We had nothing to do with it"...
"Well not nothing,' the older pastor went on to say. "You kept putting up more chairs."

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness...
YES!!!!!!!!!!

I am a very intense, overly dramatic, passionate person when it comes to my creativity and the arts. I will bend over backwards to help out where I can, especially if I believe in a project or feel creatively inspired. Work also takes up so much of my time...I try o hard to make sure that I am pulling my weight, that I am doing a great job, that I am not disappointing others or myself for that matter..

But it is also an infringement on my time for other important levels in my life...family...friends...faith... and yet I continued to pile on the jobs in an attempt to feel artistically fulfilled.

and we keep putting up  more and more chairs...

I need to be better...Prioritizing what has a higher appropriate level of work in regards to Justin and I...I find that there are numerous times when I need to better about setting the boundaries as to what I will allow to take up my time. I have to... for my family...for my friends...for my health.

Many of us pretend that we don't have a choice...but at the very core of the situation...you really do have a choice...and you have chosen. But did you choose correctly?

Perhaps it is time to take down some chairs...

Anxiety and the heart...

I am so guilty of this...getting so caught up in the SPIN as best as I can define it.

I am working on ways to "Stop the Spin"...

But it is so difficult.

I wake up in the middle of the night and just cannot get back to sleep...too much on the brain...and will lay there in the dark listening to Justin sleep...tossing and turning...trying to stop the spin going on in my head...I go from memories of my Mom...to the final moments...to should I have done more...to school stuff that still needs to be done...to apartment stuff that needs to be done...to when we should begin to search for a new house...to stuff I need to do to redirect to my life...to so much else on the brain...

Perhaps this one should have said: "Happiness and Inner Peace can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

Just gotta remember to turn on the light...

And I am struggling to figure out how to turn this light on in those overwhelming moments. I will be perfectly honest, I am working with a therapist to help me through this. I have reached out for therapist's help in the past...post 9/11...dealing with failure...dealing with various parts of my personality...and I SWEAR by it. It is NOT a sign of weakness or a sign of failure. It is definitely recognizing that you might not be able to work through this all alone, that you are human...and that you are strong enough to reach out for a firmer grasp of what life is throwing at you. And it is OK. It is strength. It is grasping stronger ground and working your way through a life maze.

And you know what??  I love that it is Dumbledore who says this...I sure do wish he was real so that I could shake his hand and thank him for the direction he has meant in my life. And that childlike quality of my life comes quickly in and I find myself wishing that there was a magic wand that could erase all of this life stuff and rectify the situation...but it is in those moments when I realize that life has thrown a LARGE amount of hurdles here lately and it is all in how I work my way through it all and emerge stronger and more directed that will define who I am...

Perhaps someday I will meet his creator and can thank her personally.

New tattoos...

I have been looking for quite some time for a new tattoo idea.
I really love this design...
It speaks to me and reminds me of the rugged beauty of northern Minnesota and also reminds me of very fond childhood memories...going up to stay with grandparents for the summer, playing in the woods and creating forts out of randomness...playing with cousins...life so much simpler during those days than where I currently am...so carefree...a gentle reminder of days gone by...
But also at its core is the strong tree...and at the roots...that is where I want to place the word "LOVE" and surrounding the circle...the signatures of those who have formed who I am today...my Mom and Dad, my Grandma, my step-mom, my godmother and godfather, my cousin Sherri, my dear friend Miz P...My hope is that the signatures can run along the circle outline...but perhaps it is too much...too busy...we shall see...

I also want to go back through cards and try to find my Mom's signature and her favorite saying "Love you to the moon and back" and have that placed on my fore arm.

Future plans for sure...

Something so easy to forget...

I happened across a wonderful book a while ago and have been reading it off and on.  I find myself not able to be an avid reader...My mind gets going and I find other things I should, could or would be doing...I saw many folks picking this book  for a read  and thought why not? I plan on trying to reconnect to it this Spring Break, slowing down enough to breathe and relax and enjoy quiet...

 and see what golden nuggets I can glean from it's pages.

It is a book entitled Present over Perfect: Leaving Behind  Frantic for a Simpler, more Sulful Way of Living"  by Shauna Niequist

Life is definitely a juggle. We push and push and push ourselves. We put on too many hats. We get caught up in the crap ton amounts of awfulness on network news and long for a way to redefine our lives...a simpler way to simplify the schedule. I am SO GUILTY of this and I constantly have to remind myself to take a breath. And those around me are the first ones to suffer, but so am I!!! I owe it to myself to make SURE I am kinder to myself. Kinder to my heart. Kinder to my head and stop the spin. Put my energy towards the greater good of myself and those around me.

What spoke to me was one of the author quotes on the back cover that encouraged me to pick up the book. It stated, "Shauna's words- equal parts elegant and urgent- invited me to remember that my worthiness, belonging, and beloved-ness are birthrights. I can't think of a more important, more desperately needed invitation" said Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Carry On, Warrior and Love Warrior.

First book sample that screamed at me:

I know RIGHT??? Core shaking

Unflashy...unspectacular...and sometimes tired...and reminding your heart that that is an okay place 

to be...

This book is wonderful if you are struggling...

Struggling with the hectic rat race of life...

Struggling with the draining monotony of everyday life...

A reminder to just stand still for a moment, breathe, and remind yourself to just be present...connected...trust...relax...stop the spin of the mind and let the race continue around you 

and you just breathe...

Just breathe...

Just breathe...

And it will all work itself out for the greater good.

I will be sure to share more posts to come from this awesome book.

Love will stand when all else falls

Whenever life throws me curves... Whenever I get down and out...
It always comes back to the power of music in my life that moves me back onto the track I need to be on...
It always has and I am so grateful for the musical nudges that speak to me in my soul and heart. I am so grateful for this gift and am always grateful for the redirection.

My last blog post was so dark and moody and forlorn...but all of the folks who reached out really helped me to redirect my thoughts and focus on my heart and soul and helping to get me through this life...Thank you for helping me through this my friends and family...I am so forever grateful

I feel like there has been a redirect in my course...I think God places these moments in our lives just to have a little jarring... a little shake up...a much needed redirect...

I have recently been sharing one of my most favorite musicals with my Forensics kiddos. It is the Broadway musical MEMPHIS and if you have not seen it...you MUST!!! It is so powerful and scary and beautiful and poetic and hard to watch at times...but yet it is semi-autobiographical of a time period that we should never ever want to go back to...but the beauty that came out of that time period is so important as well...we can never forget.

It speaks of the Music of my Soul. YES! I love this so much...

The Music of my Soul...and that music is vast and deep and powerful and resonating... I am so grateful for the music that speaks to my soul...

There is a moving hymn that is shared in its performance that rocks my foundation...

"Feel His Love, feel His power,

Move a mountain, Change the world!

For I can't be weak much longer!

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord make me stronger."

There is another that at its core says, 

"Change never comes easy"

But it is the following number that always brings me to tears and speaks so very deeply to my soul these days and I wanted to share it with you...

"I will see you though. I'll be there for you.

We will endure what our life has in store...

Have faith and believe, like the air that you breathe...

Love will stand when all else falls."

Thank you for the redirect...

Listen to the beat and hear what's in your soul... 

You'll never let anyone steal your Rock n Roll!!!

What I regret...

I feel like I have lost a sense of my inner and outer FABULOUSNESS.

Life was so different a year ago.

I find myself working my way through various stages of emotions...wallowing in regret...forcing myself to face my days with all the positivity I can muster...because that is a lot of what I speak of on here and surely it cant be that hard to navigate and motivate... but i am finding that it is difficult...I do have regrets in this life...some I can control and put a spin on...some I see have defined my current views of the day and the landscape...some that have made me an entirely different person...both negative and positively speaking...but all defining none the less...

I face each day with a struggle to keep myself together.

I regret not spending enough time with the loved ones now gone.
I regret being busy and filling my life with schedule and things that now seem unimportant in many ways. When I was a younger man, I pushed and pushed myself to strive to do more... to be more...and now I look back and think, "WHY? Was it all worth it?" when I reflect on what I miss most now...
I wish for more time...but don't we all?

I regret being so naive...What I put out there sometimes is untrue. I am strong because that is how I want to be perceived...but inside, I am a mess. I am trying to hold it all together but then I just build myself up towards a breakdown...I experience a break...and then push myself to regroup and rebuild...because that is what we should do.

I regret being so needy and emotional. I find that I am so needy now...and I spin everything in my head...The SPIN is awful...Quiet moments do not bode well in my head. They never have and I know that I should honor those quiet moments but it is those moments that I currently dread. Quiet moments have never been a good thing for me. I get into my head and the spin is not good...it turns into a spiral at times...I am learning to stop the spin.

I regret not paying closer attention to my Mom when I was with her...everything blurs right now when I think of her...the details...there are only a few moments in our vast years together that come forward into the forefront of my mind and it makes me sad...Random moments push forward. definite images....definite moments...I just want to hold her hand again and have a glass of wine in the kitchen and giggle and laugh again...I miss the laughter. Hers and mine. I am struggling to find the laughter at times again...

And yet, I regret paying too much attention to the details for it is in these details that tend to haunt me now at times. Those final moments are what I knew that I should pay attention to however it is now those details that haunt me but will hopefully mean so much when the pain subsides...I can see her hand resting on the bed...the prayer shawl around her head tilted back...and the oxygen machine beeps sometimes wake me in the night...I wish I would have stayed longer in the hospital room after she had passed...I wish I would not have felt so creeped out by Death being in the room...It was my Mom and I needed to stay longer but I left her there for the funeral folks to come and get her body prepared for transport...I should have stayed right up until the last minute...but now I have that...

I regret wallowing and allowing darkness to creep in at times.
I regret hiding that darkness from others.

I regret losing touch with friends, near and far. "Life happens" is the phrase I consistently hear...and that just plain sucks...but it is the truth...it does happen...

I regret not being able to put into words at times my thoughts. It is easier for me to write them down rather than it is to speak them. That probably surprises many... Some think of it as being pretty passive and perhaps that is a correct analogy...Yet this is a truth I struggle with. I feel shame for not being stronger mentally and physically...

I regret allowing folks to walk over me when I was younger...older...even now...Standing up to those who hurt me or have wronged me.

I regret being ashamed of my body when I was younger. It is this body shame that I struggle with even today. I have always longed for a Adonis body that I could be proud to show off...The gay community praises and honors that ADONIS body from its youth as well as the older generation in order to get anywhere for love...but yet, I was not blessed with that...nor was I blessed with the mentality of focusing on working out for a different more pleasing body type...as I get myself into a workout mode...I ALWAYS mentally work my head space OUT of that schedule because something else takes over or takes precedence.

I regret in those younger years not believing in myself and being stronger in who I was becoming.
I regret not fighting for my beliefs.
I regret being passive at times.

However, as much as I have these regrets...I know that these are what define me as of this very day. And it is these regrets that I now have to work my way through.

What I do NOT Regret...
Always trying to live my life to the absolute fullest no matter what...This is a strong value I have always embraced and will try my very hardest to not lose sight of.
It is so easy to get sidetracked...
Living in an environment where I force myself to put on a game face and persevere my way through life with a sense of strength.
If only I could sit down and have this conversation with my Mom so she could enlighten me on how she did it...She was a master of strength or at least putting on a strong outer shell to work her way through uneasiness...
Cancer SUCKS. And as we prepared to say goodbye, it was important to me, and to Steve and Melissa, that the memorial service video be something she would be proud of...yet the struggle was how to present her struggle with CANCER as it was a HUGE part of the tail end of her life story...yet look at the following pictures we ended up not putting in the video...

Look at that SMILE!!! I am so PROUD of her for her strength in the face of this horrible disease. 

I am PROUD of her for yearning to want to be a STRONG role model for those struggling with cancer. 

Even when it hurt too much. Even when she was scared as heck. Even when she was exhausted.

She persevered.

She continued to smile.

If she can do it, I can too.

I will continue to focus on the successes in my life...And I know that there have been many successes.

I do not regret navigating my way through my life and not regretting the choices I made in regards to career. I have met so many wonderful friends, some I now consider my family.

What I need to figure out how to do is:
Be the type of person that no matter where I go or where I am, I continue to figure out how to be a positive force, like my Mom. I think it is important to be a source of guidance, a source of positivity, and source of inspiration for others. And to remind myself of this every day. I am recreating myself on some levels...but also like the song lyrics say, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to ME." Herein lies the struggle too.

I need to remind myself daily of what makes me a FABULOUS person. What makes me who I am...I need to get myself back to ME and not allow darkness to overtake me. I have got to figure out how to switch off the dark thoughts, the regrets, and live in the now...be present in the NOW and how to navigate my way back to FABULOUS.