How to be a person

I had one of my kiddos perform this poem in end of the year performances as possible pieces for next year. This poem, by Shane Koyczan, spoke VOLUMES to my heart.
SO many AH HA moments.

Find your voice. And it is so easy to lose sight of your voice. Or think that you don't have a voice in situations. Never forget that we ALWAYS have a voice.

Your voice is an art...
broken life, and broken heart, or broken joy, or broken song?
...make art with the pieces.
never forget that you are an artist

Apologize when you know that you are wrong. Imagine if everyone lived this motto in our world? If only our leaders could find this...
Apologize for wrongdoings...
Apologize for hurting someone.
If the cost to heal someone is only your pride, then apologize and be grateful that you received peace of heart and soul. You may not receive an apology...for hurts caused, for wounds given...
forgive and forget and move forward.
Allow that peace to come into your life and move onward.
They can wallow in their hate and angst, possible unchangeable,  and you can move forward to life's adventures.

We are all still learning...just forgive and move forward.

Love is a vulnerability, not a weakness...the only way to be wealthy with it is to GIVE IT AWAY!
 YES!!!!

My life's motto.
Love deeply.
Love whole.
Love above all else.

Try.
The tiniest dream that you try to make happen is worth more than the biggest dream you never attempt.

Be savagely THANKFUL. And GRATEFUL. And FULL.
And continuously in awe of all the power you possess.
You are alive.

Know that what you stand for is what you have chosen to stand against.

So Stand.

Amen.

Finding myself in the mess...

Sometimes it just gets to be too much.
Sometimes we all just need a little time away...to reconvene with our spirit. Find our sense of self and who we are and intend to be. Sometimes it's just important to go to a coffee shop and put those headphones on and decompress. Put on some jazz music and journal or read or sit and drink in the hot coffee and enjoy the solace.

Life gets so busy.
Life gets so hectic.
Life gets so...
well, you know.
And some folks can get lost in this hum, this struggle.
We lose our way.
We lose sight of the path, the course we are on and forget.

Sometimes it requires help to get back on track.
If that's what it takes, that is what you have to do.
And it is OK.
Never judge that help, from wherever it comes.
And try hard not to get down on yourself for needing to reach out.
The other option is so much worse...for yourself and for those around you.
Who love you.
Who want you to be your very best.

Sometimes we forget what our life's goals were because of this rat race.
And it is so easy to forget.
It is so easy to lose sight and get caught in a spiral.
Life happens.
Trauma Happens.
Laughter Happens.
And it is easy to forget yourself in all of this.
When life throws you a curve ball, take time to just pause. Time to evaluate where you move from here and what is the course you are going to take.

Don't wallow for too long.
It is easy to drag yourself down, get lost in sadness and darkness and angst and such.
Reach out.
Someone will be there to grab ahold of your hand before you sink fully under.

Find yourself again.
Take time to find out what you really are passionate about and RUN.
Regroup.
Reconnect to your inner vitality and laugh.
Giggle at your childlike spirit and JUMP into your next project with abandon.

It's going to be okay.
You got this.
And just regroup.

When I look up into the sky...

There are times when I just look up into the sky...
Feeling its vastness...
The immensity of it all...
And I begin to get lost in my head...
Floating on the clouds...
The breathless feeling of flying through the puffy white...
The animals and structures formed out of marshmallow.
The grandeur of the sun against the crowds that make Bob Ross swoon.
When I am flying in a plane I am more apt to sit with the window shade open...looking out...watching for the moment the plane breaks through the top of the clouds...pushing through and looking out over the soft landscape. The sun gleaming over the flowing white and it always brings me awe.

It is breathtaking.

At night, when I am taking the puppies out for their potty breaks...I catch myself looking up into the starry skies and feeling so small.
So far away.
I fondly remember the night hikes into the Badlands and feeling like I could reach out and grab the falling stars by the tail and looking into the eyes of God.
Gasping at the beauty of the Northern Lights from the tops of the buttes we climbed.
The journey and climb to be closer to God.
But over the last few years my view of the skies have changed.
These times are now connected to "being far away".
The distance between...
From Mom.
From my family and friends who have gone before me and it is in those moments where I wonder if they can see me...or are they too far away?

And I wonder if over the years to come, will this feeling change?

One thing I do know for certain

All of this represents maximum possibility. 

The skies are the limit.

And because it is vast.

Because it goes on and on and on.

The possibilities are limitless.

And I take great solace in this.

Heaven or Whatever...

I love this poem ( and poet ) very much.
I love what the poem says...
It speaks to me on so many levels...
I love that it conjures up wonderful memories of my grandparents long relationships and marriages.
That they lasted a lifetime but were not perfect.
None of us are.

The Holms were built on wonderful stories, molasses cookies, spittoons, and progressive dinners. A farming family.  A love that was represented by yellow roses and calling each other Dearie. It was clear they were crazy about each other.

The Higdems were a strong, driven crew. This poem seems to represent them more closely. They loved each other and believed in the power of legacy. They were hard workers, of blueberry pie and doughnuts, farming and fence posts.

Neither family was perfect. I heard one of my students perform this poem for master class the other day and was transported back to when we were moving my Grandma Higdem off the farm after my grandfather had died. My stepmom, Pam, my Grandma Higdem and I were taking a break and went shopping. We were walking down the mall and my Grandma decided she wanted to go into a jewelry store. She walks up to the store clerk and begins to tell him how she and her husband had been married for over 60 years and that he had bought her the diamond earrings she had on for that anniversary. The clerk was very nice and raved about them. My grandmother then proceeded to give him THE LOOK over her glasses and said, " I would like you to show me diamonds I can actually see in my ears." I audibly gasped. And Pam and I proceeded to giggle.
LORD.
She certainly had a kick to her even from behind her walker...
But you know...each one of my loved ones who have gone on to heaven had a kick to them...
A little bit of edge. And life. And love. And definition

I think what this poem really brings to my mind is the concept of heaven....What do I really think heaven is?
It's laughter and giggles over jokes shared.
It's stories and memories shared.
It is the wonderful smells from the kitchen filled with love.
It is being back together again with the ones we have missed for so long.
It's is abounding happiness.
And above all...
It is feeling LOVE all over again from being apart for so long...
That is what heaven truly is I think.

On this 46th birthday

a moment to pause and reflect...

Moments of gratitude.
For a life filled with awesome experiences.
For a journey that has had its bumps, twists, and turns.
For hugs and laughter shared from sweet friendships along the way.
For family who love me unconditionally
For a husband who puts up with my antics and loves me through the hiccups, hugs me and says it's going to be alright.
The sweet memories of all the adventures this life has given me and the people and friendships forged along its path.
For a job that continues to feed my spirit and bring joy to my life and for coworkers who help me, support me, laugh with me, and bring me light.

Yes there are moments of sadness today...
Waking up and there isn't the first call of the day from her. Mom was usually the first phone call of the day with the birthday song...I am missing her a lot
Missing grandparents today as well...

But mostly feelings of sweet gratitude for the chance to face another year.
For the anticipation of what each corner will bring.
Grateful for it all

Thank you to each of you for being a part of my adventure.
I am grateful to you all for the part you have played in it all.
Carry on, my fellow sojourners.

Been a good school year!!

To say that my 2017-2018 school year, my ninth year of teaching, was a wonderful year is an understatement.
Overwhelming.
Humbling.
Exciting.
Energizing.
It was one of the first times in a long times that I can honestly say I was so excited to get back to school in August....to see my kiddos and to hear about all of their summer adventures...to the very last day as they walked out the door, sad but looking forward to a break...them and me.

To receive the ACTAA Teacher of the Year Award was unbelievable and I still can't believe it.
What an awesome year!!

What a terrific wrap-up and the truth emerges when you reach the end of the year, exhausted and so stinkin' proud of all your kiddos have experienced and accomplished. How much they have grown and learned and not learned.

Some of the sweetest  end-of-the-year thank yous brought this guy to tears...no shocker.
A Best Coach Trophy.
A Stuffed Tiger.
And Dad coffee mugs from my kiddos from their new universities. They know me so well!!
And then to have one of your students nominate you for an Excellence in Teaching award...WOW!!! And they present them to you, with the kindest, sweetest, tugging at my heart words in this awesome ceremony as they sign their name to the Academic Signing Roster of their future university. Icing, folks.

Just plain awesome.

To watch your kiddos jump in to new adventures, to attempt something "outside their comfort zone" to excel and to sometimes trip and fall, to struggle and evolve and grow, to call your classroom their "home away from home", and to just observe and cheer and encourage and be there to listen and give them feedback they may not necessarily be ready to hear, but ready or not, here it comes...

That for me is teaching.
And I am so grateful for the experience.
I am grateful for the tears.
Of Joy.
Of Sadness.
Of Fear.
Exhilarated beyond compare and hoping you made a difference somehow...

And move into the summer for a much needed break.
To regroup.
To reflect.
And to prepare for a new year ahead.

Grateful.
For it all.

If only, this could be a real conversation....

On this, the day we celebrate Mothers...
I am missing mine.
Very, very much.
I am navigating through her departure as best I can.
I am finding that this year was a little easier to navigate but she is never far from my thoughts.
When I was down or feeling sad, she was the shoulder I needed and knew I could lean on.
I am so proud of her and of all of her accomplishments.
I know that I would not be half the man I am today without her and the example she set with her own life's course.

I will forever try to be who she would want me to be...
Kind.
Compassionate.
Nurturing.
Loving and lovable.
Strong.
Thoughtful.
Joyous...even in the face of adversity.
Faithful.
True.
The best I can be for those around me and along my journey.

I will always...
Stay the course.
Keep the faith.
Stay positive.

Happy Mothers Day, Momma.
I miss you so very much.

Penny and Sparrow

So many years ago now, I was living in Omaha and had a wonderful opportunity to create numerous cabaret evenings...some of my own creation...some not. But one evening, a group of friends were together sharing drinks and visiting about an upcoming cabaret evening...and one of my friends said, "You know, you and Mitch just seem to complete each other's musical sentences. He gets your thought process and knows how to run with it. He knows how to make music work with you. You create beautiful music together."
And you know what, what a beautiful opportunity that experience was!!! To share music with each other and to be able to create an evening of performance that moves, that reaches down deep into one's soul and brings tears, or laughter, or just taking in terrific music...experiencing it all. What an amazing moment to be able to share...

Jump ahead many more years and we are out with friends in Fayetteville at a music club there to see a group called Penny and Sparrow.

 I had never heard of them or their music.

 From the first guitar strum to the last note, it was all just wonderful music.

 Two amazing talents,
with voices like butterscotch and smoothness, and a guitar
 and I was shook.
Tears welled up at times...Giggles were had...

They are funny.
They are true.
Their friendship is undeniable.
But their music was effortless and calm and together and beautiful and I just had to share a little of their music with you...

They complete each other's sentences and their blend is phenomenal... and powerful...simple and powerful...

Believe me...you will love them...go see them in concert...or get their music....you will not be disappointed.

How do you define art?

We have a little pause in our competition season...before we head off to more tournament competitions. Time to expand some minds and hearts. Broaden horizons...

I have spent the last few weeks broadening young minds with lots of different aspects of performance and different ways to use ans see art around us. How to take a piece of art and create a performance piece around it. Studying all the different types of art and how they may not all be fully understandable, hard to watch, or make you laugh or cry.
But is it still considered art?
I think so. Amazing conversations have ensued...

Friends...
Art is meant to entertain. Yes. However, I think some folks take that for granted sometimes. Sometimes they think that art is meant to be there to serve them...make them laugh and make them forget. Hate to tell ya folks, but it is meant to also be so much more.

It is meant to make you THINK.
It is meant to shake your core and force you to look at something in a different way.
Some art is not meant to be understood right away...it may be built on a theme or concept that is not immediately present. I think powerful art is meant to hold a mirror up to the face of its audience and say "You cannot look away. You cannot shy away from this. No matter how uncomfortable this makes you feel. You have to learn."

Art is meant to appeal to your senses as well as your own deep emotions.
It is meant to express what we are feeling, what we want others to see, and feel, and touch and hear. And be moved...
To be better.
To do better.
To instill change.

I think to try and define art is to limit creativity and that is wrong.
We each have a different voice...a different view of the world...to limit art would be to do it a disservice.  Perhaps we should let art speak for itself...
as an outlet...
and an instigator for change.
as a source of entertainment.
and a place to work through what we see.

Amen.

A little daily gratitude...

It is so easy to get overwhelmed.
It is so easy to get drug down into craziness and fast paced and blurry.
It is important to stop. Regroup. Refocus. And make a little mind shift...
Lord knows...
I need to spend a little time focusing on some gratitude for the day.

1. I am so thankful for comfy sweaters. You know the ones...the ones that wrap you up in soft comfort...the ones that the minute you touch your soft sleeves...those long over-sized sleeves that go over your hands a bit...it just brings you around...puts a smile on your face and you can relax and find a bit calm.

2. I love the opportunity to just get a good cup of mocha, to redirect my thoughts and to just people watch. It is always so much fun to sit back and just watch people. How the interact with each other, how they smile, some of their mannerisms, clothing choices...sometimes I will just sit back with my headphones on, my favorite tunes running and jamming and rocking...and just observe those around me...kinda turns into a little movie track...Of course, I try not to be creepy about it...come on...YOU KNOW ME BETTER. But thank God for ALL sorts of people.

3. Thankful for all stages of life. Of course you spend most of your life thinking, when I grow up, when I get that promotion, when I get this done...and we miss out...I am thankful for the energy and drive of youth...the push to succeed and accomplish and do and learn...sometimes the hard way...to GROW...and EVOLVE...and CREATE. And to BLOOM where you are planted...and continue to GROW and LEARN...DO we ever stop learning and growing?

4. I feel great gratitude for a night out. A chance to shake up the schedule and just reconnect. Good food. Finding a new hideaway where they mix wonderful drinks. A chance to look across the candlelight at your loved one and just be grateful for the conversation, the honest connection, and the love.

5. I am grateful for all the colors we take for granted... The color of the sunset. The color of green grasses and pine trees. The color of the ocean. The colors of Christmas. The color of art hanging on the bright white wall for all to see. The color of friendships and family and of joy.

6. So grateful to be HERE. In THIS moment. With this life. With this heart.

7. Thankful for the smile of a friend. Thankful for the smile that can brighten up any room and change any mood.

Promise me that you will be that smile for someone today?
I am gonna try my best today too, friend.

My heart is heavy...

The events of this past week have been heavy on my heart. I cannot say that I have not really begun to think about my teaching career and when moments like this happen, you cannot help but feel the fear of entering into the school building. You cannot help but wonder if something like this would happen to our school? And no matter how prepared you can be, it doesn't stop it.

What is most frustrating to me about this whole thing...whether you are for gun control or a member of the NRA...is the fact that once again people are talking and talking and talking and no one is willing to begin a discussion and discuss options...hell they aren't even willing to compromise...discussion blends away...and then more kiddos die...and we talk and talk and talk and offer up condolences...and then nothing...and then more kiddos die...and I just can't help but think...when will it all be enough?

Many try to blur the lines with mental illness and how it is all about mental illness. NO. Not JUST about mental illness...sane people can access these types of guns and do the same premeditated damage.

Many say it is because every person in this country has a GOD-given right to bear arms. OK. I agree with that. But I would think, and believe many have said, that this is truly not the question, it is the fact that automatic rifles shouldn't be in this MIX. And CERTAINLY not so easily attainable as we are learning from recent disasters. And my thought is that why not be willing to go through just a few more preventative, protective hurdles to see if these awful moments would lessen?

And yet...

God FORBID that OUR RIGHT BE TAKEN AWAY.

And more bloodshed...

Many are trying to raise all the questions about the facts being given...this many shootings in the year 2018...how it is this number...or that number... And this is the sort of discussion that SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON...its ridiculous when I think about it...WHO CARES???

So much bloodshed...

How about we finally begin a discussion on how to rectify this horrific situation?

Shouldn't ONE shooting be enough? God forbid the amount that we are currently at for the last 10 years and STILL nothing has been done??? 

Heck, we are now setting a trend of doing nothing and children are dying left and right or being presented with extremely traumatic, fear-filled, awful circumstances...ones they will remember and experience the remnants of for the rest of their lives. 

And STILL Nada.

So much blood on everybody's hands. 

Both Sides. ALL sides.

All that MONEY being pocketed for SILENCE.

Is everybody OK and complacent with this?

It is becoming common discussion or sending "Thoughts and Prayers" and yet doing

 NOTHING.

BLOODSHED CONTINUES.

And SILENCE

No one is innocent from this if you don't support some sort of correction to this issue...

Or at least being willing to discuss...

to attempt to create a solution and help stop this bloodshed.

Brene Brown

If you have not given this a listen, you really should take a few moments from your busy schedule and just give it a listen. 

SO POWERFUL. 

And IMPORTANT. 

And truth.

And something we all need to hear.

Believe me when I say it opened my eyes to a large number of things I had never thought of before. 

Defining a new vision.

And I am grateful for it.

That's what he said....

I love this so much. This would be a discussion and an opportunity I would totally jump at...an evening at a table with a group of guys and talk about social norms, society issues, personal thoughts, and how wrong it has all become... SO interesting to me...

Who defined my masculinity in my childhood was always set by my father as well as grandfather. There were numerous discussions on how"sensitive" I was...how feminine I was and how in my later years, my mother told me that she always tried to encourage my father to spend more time with me possibly in an opportunity to provide a stronger male presence and as a role model. He would back away from it, according to her. He would always have other things to do. Was always absent.

Yet, I look back now and realize, perhaps fairly and unfairly, when I was younger and going through it all my father was absent and the moments we spent together with me as a boy are blurry because of all the anger and resentment I felt about my Dad, and towards the military, and towards the divorce...was all HIS fault. That the times he was away for summer camp or every one weekend a month for the military, he would come home and talk about what I took as being a boys weekend filled with drinking and hanging out and time away from his family. And all the choices my family made that lead us towards the divorce predominantly was because of my father. And my grandparents saying hurtful, awful things and a young man cannot forget these things...And drew me closer and closer and closer to my mom and all we had to go through together without him.

This defines my feelings sometimes of the military in regards to my family. And I know that this is an unfair labeling...and yet I struggle.

And yet as I have grown older, I realize the blame needs to be placed on both sides. Both my mom and my dad were to blame for the divorce for different reasons and yet what I cannot shake is the fact that my Dad was absent both physically and emotionally and what do I do with that?

Brene Brown is AMAZING. Her TED talk about SHAME is so powerful. Men feel shame when they feel WEAK. She tells us that vulnerability is NOT weakness as a majority of people believe or choose to believe or struggle with. And yet, a man is not allowed to feel weak and not allowed to show it...throw in the struggle of coming out and all that encompasses and it becomes overwhelming. She states ,"Vulnerability is taking  risk. It is our most accurate measurement of courage. The birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change and how we adapt to it."

When is the moment you are having to "become a MAN" in regards to being forced to grow up? I think my first breakdown was the evening I was called upstairs into the living room and told of my parents' choice to divorce. I was forced to pick between them as to who I wanted to live with. And take in all of the above and the selection was obvious to me and all rolled from there. It was at that moment that I realized, "Oh we are here. This is going to be what defines my life for a bit." Little did I know that it would define my entire life. A moment when I knew there was no going back. I would never experience innocence again and I cannot go back.

The next time was coming out. And I would NEVER want to go back into the closet and yet the shame I felt by coming out and how ridiculed I felt and how I needed to apologize for being gay and coming out...apologize for dreams that would not be met...apologize for being different and odd in the face of a family who were steeped in religion, traditions, and me always feeling like the odd man out...apologize for who I was at my very core and was just coming to realize...gay people continue to feel this on a daily basis and it is absolutely debilitating...and yet I PUSH forward.

And in the last few years, I think we have ALL been finally given our voice and an opportunity to shake the shame, shake the guilt, and find our voice and strengthen it. Thankful for the leaps and bounds we made in regards to equality and basic freedoms and humanity. Leaps and BOUNDS...yet  now with the tone of the American society taking leaps and bounds backwards, I feel like we are being forced back into the closet and you know what, I refuse to go back. I refuse to apologize for my life. I refuse to apologize for my relationship and marriage with my husband. I REFUSE to apologize for YOUR insecurities.

Being comfortable with being in the process of becoming  a newer version of myself and what it means to be manly...this is self-defined and being comfortable to define it for MYSELF. WOW!

Just some thoughts for the day...

Still here, in my heart

"Still Here" by Jennifer Hudson

For some reason...this has been playing on the track inside my mind for the last couple of months.

I know this is Mom...just coming on through to let me know that she is indeed still here, somehow pushing through and telling me everything will be okay.

For those of you who have lost loved ones,

this song gives me great solace and peace of mind.

It warms my heart and my thoughts.

Its like a hand reaching across the way, 

grabbing hold of yours and squeezing. 

Just seeming to say, "It's going to be okay. 

I am still here. It is just different now. 

Just a little harder to hear at times."

Thank you for the gentle reminders.

Another music moment...

I still get chills listening to this soundtrak.
I know that this is a musical for all of us.
A musical about the human spirit.
The need to begin a dialogue about the importance of finding our true, authentic selves and being willing to share that with others.

Dear Evan Hansen.
I will see you some day SOON.

And I know I will bawl the entire time...

Why no one is listening...

Seriously.
Why?
Today's danger is complacency.

 On a day-to-day basis, we turn on the TV to see what was the ridiculous drama today in our nation's government. And let me be clear, what we are witnessing has been a long time evolving. During Obama's presidency, the Republicans point blank REFUSED to accomplish anything "this President" hoped to accomplish. And now we have a Republican President, Republican Congressional leadership asking for and expecting common ground and I do not think that the tone is going to change in our government and our presidential leadership is not strong enough to know how to monitor and assist in common ground. Democrats are pissed and in a tit-for-tat type of mindset. So everything is filled with caustic drama. I don't see how this is going to change until a shock wave of voting take care of the situation in the near future, if even then.

 It has been divisive and toxic and hard to deal with.  

You have Congressmen who are being called day in and day out and are just voting without listening...voting with their own interests in focus...at least that is the case with our own Arkansas Congressmen.

In a world where we are witnessing, drama and turmoil and division, we have to be the change.

We have to STOP and begin to listen to each other.

On a day in and day out basis.

There are reasons we are where we are today.

People voted the way they did for a reason.

Chloe Chong, editor of Lifehack.com, created a list of possible reasons as to why no one is listening these days. The piece was titled, "Why No One Listening?"

1. People are too busy.

2. People are too focused on themselves.

3. People assumed they already know what the others would say.

4. People think that giving advice is more important than showing understanding.

5.People sometimes forget that everyone need to be heard, no matter how mentally strong he/she is.

6. People are mentally preparing what they are going to say in response to what is being said.

7. When we are taught listening skills, it is usually about listening exams, but not about daily conversations.

8. Everyone is so eager to be heard.

9. Listening is not easy at all.

10. Very few people realize that they need to really learn how to listen.

I

The other day, I caught myself thinking this very question...in a world where everyone just wants to be heard why no one is listening and just doing what they want...I think it is important to stop and regroup a bit, reminding ourselves that we need to stop and refocus on the basics. Remind yourself the basic thought of slowing down and really just opening up your ears to actually listen to what is being said. When you are in the middle of a conversation with another, remind yourself to stop interrupting and open up to what is being said, how it is being said, and what is the core of the point your partner is actually making., listening also to what they are not saying, which is just as important. And for crying out loud, don't feel the need to fix or offer suggestions, especially when they are not asked for. And allow silences to be there and not feel the need to interject or jump in. Perhaps not needed.

Let us go back to the very basics.

Remind ourselves of the importance that we must listen to each other.

No one deserves to not be heard.

If we can do this on our own level, to lead by example, we will hopefully get through these dramatic days and emerge better, truer, and more thoughtful.

Control what you can, my friends.

Let go of what you cannot control.

It is out of your control and not worth your energy.

Listen with your heart.

Listen with your ears and eyes open.

Carry on.

Love has no labels.

A reminder on this day we celebrate LOVE.

 Thank you Procter & Gamble for pushing the boundaries, pushing the barriers to say what is good and true. To be willing to say what is important and remind us that we all love differently,

and that that is OKAY.

And when you get the chance,

please go to 

www.lovehasnolabels.com 

and learn more about love and bias and realize it is time to put away all of our labels and remember that we are all human beings, we are all virtually the same.

Diversity needs to be embraced and nurtured and valued.

It should not be something that separates us.

It should NOT be something that divides us.

It should be something we embrace, learn more about, and nurture.

As the website states, 

"Let's put aside labels in the name of love"

Amen.

Coping with life's expectations

This topic deals with the problem with "Seeing yourself down the road..."
Boy howdy, we have all been there with this one.
How many times have we set expectations for ourselves that seemed grand and perfect and important and powerful? And perhaps not realistic, yet we coerce ourselves to believe in these and hold them as forward thinking goals.

But the important thing is that word...REALISTIC.

Oh my GOODNESS...
This one.
I have struggled with this for so many years of my life.

When I was much younger, I envisioned a life for myself that was grandiose and so different than where I currently am, including becoming a theatre producer, living a life of performing/ directing and creating theatre full time. Such HUGE long term goals.

And reaching certain age hurdles I reached, usually in the fives, always brought an amount of depression, as I had not reached those goals. And I allowed my next steps to be defined by this depression, this deep disappointment in what I had not done with my life, the goals I had not reached, dreams I had not pursued...things I had not accomplished by that certain point in my life...

And truth? Should NEVER have done that. Should NEVER have allowed that because I missed out on so many experiences.

But perhaps it is better to remind ourselves of the setting those goals realistically. It was not realistically in the cards for me, financially, emotionally, physically, ad spiritually. I think there were choices that I made, perhaps were made for me, that steered me onto such a different course. And I honor that. I accept that. I bloom where I am planted.

The important thing to remember about life's expectations is learning how to cope with the disappointment of not accomplishing this or that, but reminding yourself to continue to be kind to yourself, stop the self-loathing, and figure out how to be a better YOU. Set shorter, smaller goals rather than the larger version. And making sure the expectations you set are REALISTIC for YOU.
Unrealistic expectations only lead to disappointment, angst, and depression. This includes your focus towards friends, family, your career, your life goals... all of it.

Ashley Fern writes in her article entitled, "Managing your Expectations is the key to your Happiness" from the website Elite Daily, 

"An unfortunate pitfall of having high expectations in certain circumstances is that we prevent ourselves from enjoying the experience altogether. If you feel this way in your life, you need to readjust your expectations. Do not expect things out of situations, just go into them with an open mind. This will allow you to fully immerse yourself without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

When you have unrealistic notions for people, you place yourself at a high risk of getting disappointed and hurt. Maybe someone did let you down in certain aspects, but isn’t it inherently unfair to have these people on such a pedestal? By maintaining an accurate awareness of your own realities, you become able to determine what is truly expected from others.

“Expect the unexpected, believe in the unbelievable, and achieve the unachievable.”

Such disappointment can lead to several outcomes, including trying to get this person to change and an increased anger toward the person who is causing the disappointment. This becomes problematic since the fault lies with you for putting such pressure on this person."

Just thoughts for your day, friends.

I choose LOVE

AMEN.

Make this your focus for the day my fellow sojourners.

Love is so much more.

It takes less energy in your life than surrounding yourself with so much hatred and negativity.

Love truly could be the answer to all of our problems...

If only everyone can embrace this...

Martin Luther King, Jr. went on to say this about LOVE:

And I say to you, I have also decided to stick with love, for I know that love is ultimately the only answer to humankind’s problems. And I’m going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it isn’t popular to talk about it in some circles today. And I’m not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I’m talking about a strong, demanding love. For I have seen too much hate. [...] and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love. And the beautiful thing is that we aren’t moving wrong when we do it, because John was right, God is love. He who hates does not know God, but he who loves has the key that unlocks the door to the meaning of ultimate reality."

Navigate your way through your day with this in mind, my friends.

So important.

So much truth.

Thrive and live inspired!!

A little more life mantra for you.

I love this one.

And I think this one is so important.

This whole living life fully and beautifully with focus on your inner spirit, focus on being present, being there for others, calming yourself and breathing and opening yourself up by being silent and listening. 

Finding the humor in life. 

Taking in those moments where you can just giggle.

And feeling good about yourself.

And doing it all with a strong sense of style and grace.

Amen.

Let it be.

Do your actions match your words?

This is so important.

Talking and talking and talking and talking and not doing anything with it is a sad circumstance.

It is just a waste of air and breath.

Make sure you are doing something in this world that matches what words are falling out of your mouth.

If you say that you are going to do something, do it. 

Step up to the plate and DO IT!!

Finding what or who inspires you...

So many people in my life inspire me so very much. This is a chance to call them out...

I am so inspired by my parents. I have blogged so much about my mom over these past few years...I don't really blog about my dad as much as I should. In the last few years, he made an impressive shift in his work life. He retired from working at the VA hospital, retired from military service, and shifted to beginning his journey towards becoming a Methodist pastor. To watch him evolve and grow and develop and nurture and succeed and share his faith with others around him is truly inspiring. I know that it takes a special kind of soul to serve in this capacity and to do it well. My dad has always been this kind soul, approachable, strong listener, and a VERY strong shoulder to lean on.

I am so very grateful for his guidance, for his ability to navigate through life, experience and yearning for the next adventure.

I am inspired every day by my husband.

To have the ability to put up with me as calmly as he does is quite impressive. HA HA HA!

Have you met me?

But he also has navigated through one 40 hour( sometimes more ) work week, and has driven himself to succeed by pushing himself to complete his Bachelor's degree in Accounting. He is so so so close and has done this with minimal complaining.

I love that about him.

I have grown to love and appreciate him even more as he helped me navigate my way through death, and I wish I could say that I was there to help him when death knocked at our door once again. He has always been so calm and collected and a pillar of strength for me.

What a difficult odd journey each of us takes when death visits!!

And it truly is different for each of us.

I am inspired by so many folks...

I am inspired by my cousin, Sherri, who is a fount of sheer love and support and sweet courage. She is forever a cheerleader and driven to succeed and create a life for herself that at times could appear out of the ordinary in regards to her family. She charts her own course and is the driver of her own journey. I have always appreciated that of her.

I am inspired and grateful to my godmother, Deb and her husband Paul. When Mom passed, they both stepped in and were there to offer the support. There were so many who did this...SUPER Grateful for this...And the more I look back over my life, Deb and Paul have always been there. Serving as a second set of parents...I could not have asked for a better godmother. Strong in spirit, strong in inspiration, strong in faith, strong in laughter and love. So grateful for the strong example they lead for all of us.

Grateful and inspired by so many friends...
To Emily...Such a strong passion for the arts, for life, has always had a strong mind for business and performing. Fought breast cancer and stands tall. Her creativity and depth of soul is awe inspiring to me.

To Brent...Worked hard to follow his dreams, setting goals for himself to become more, leaving performing to pursue a doctorate, all while living in Las Vegas. His spirit is always bubbling over and he is such an amazing listener.

To Patti...your creative spirit, your immense talent, your never-ending friendship and bottomless ability to brighten a room. Your heart is HUGE. Your friendship is glorious and completely dedicated. Always remember that no matter what life throws at you, whatever hurdle it may be, you are always there when folks need you and that you are appreciated. You are STRONG. You are GLORIOUS! You are BEAUTIFUL and GRACE incorporated.

To Erin...stepping outside the box to follow her passion for fashion and organizing one's life. She is always a source of humor and personality and embraces the importance of family and sharing and laughter. (and she always tries to get me to look at her girls...ha ha ha ha...and no.)

And Kim
And CK
And Jeremy.
And Ryan.
And Steve.
And John.
And Jason.

My goodness...I could go on and on and on. I am such a lucky man to have so many positive people in my life who support and nurture and bring me such joy.

I am inspired by the NLR theater friends I have made along the way...Terri for her honesty, her drive, her focus and strong organizational focus and shoulder. Always dedicated to the better good.  For her ability to rock her way through adverse situations. To navigate her through her own cancer as well as her husbands with grace was a huge example in my mind and heart. For Klucher who never ceases to amaze me with his creativity, his evolution of design and HUGE heart. I am in awe and so grateful for his strong shoulder and his ability to listen and help and be there when needed the most. For Christen and her bubbly spirit and energy. No matter how much is on the plate, she brings energy and spirit to whatever she undertakes. For Shelle...your spirit, your creativity, the vast amount of knowledge you bring to the table is something I have always looked up to. I am grateful to you for your ability to listen, to help, to navigate with great positive feelings. Your ability to reach students and focus on their strengths and allow them to grow from there is nothing short of greatness. To Hannah, I am grateful for your friendship, your big heart, your strong shoulder, and for your vast knowledge of technology. I appreciate the energy you bring to every event, moment, and interaction...whether it is by students or co-workers.

Jonathan Howle...a member of my Actor's Studio cohort who is such a super sweet soul...we lost touch after I moved away from NYC, but I have stayed in touch by watching him navigate through posts on Facebook. He has grown and grown, teaching and nurturing so many around him, and is moving forward getting his doctorate and he continues to be such a source of inspiration for all who encounter his sweet spirit.
SO many of my cohort continue to be such inspiration to me...Rhea, Naveen, Cooper, A'ndrea,, Kari, Richard, Sean, Sara, David, Achilles, Brian...living their fullest, truest selves...bringing their voice to the arts across this country...and I continue to be in awe of all they have and continue to accomplish.

On a broader scale...so many celebrities in our society have brought us their truth...

Oprah continues encouraging us to dig deeper and find out better selves...tuning in to what makes us whole, what makes us spiritual.

Ellen...by being such an inspirational example on how to live our lives. I was just watching her 60th birthday special of her talk show and she closed it by speaking about her life's journey, embracing her truth, living honestly, not only with yourself, but also with those around us, and encouraging us to "be kind to one another" and this very statement could not be more important these days in America.

I am currently inspired by interviews I have seen with the Obamas. If you have not had the chance to watch David Letterman's interview with our former President, or Ellen's current interview with our former First Lady, these are must watches. One of the things they have each said, and I agree with, is that a portion of the United States live in FEAR of what the other half cheers, which just goes to show the division present in our country. And there are NO signs that this is going to be fixed in our current situation. Not even in the discussion.

And folks can say, "Oh 45 is doing so well. 45 is a unifier of the country. He is a man of God." Heck he even attempts to tout his own praises and ridiculousness just comes out of his own mouth. 

Yet actions speak louder than words and his actions are despicable. 

And folks are buying it.

Hook, line, and sinker.

And it is disgusting.

Yet, when faced with such division, with so much hatred, with so much animosity and ridicule, and in the face of all that 45 has reversed, the Obamas continue take the high ground. 

When you are faced with all the trials and tribulations of the presidency and government, and can emerge still married (their only marriage), have raised two wonderful daughters, and remain encouraged about our nation's future, encouraging each of us to focus on the good,or to even be the good...

THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES TO ME.

Enough inspiration for today.

Love each of you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My friend

Go out there and find what and who inspires you for today.

For tomorrow.

For your future.
Thank them for their contribution to your life.
And to others.
With great immense gratitude.

I am so grateful for the inspiration each of you bring to my life and am so grateful for each of you!

The inner music....

Every since I can remember, I have always had a piece of music that became my theme song, my mantra, the undercurrent of my current mindset in my life's course...and it has fluctuated depending on where I was in my life...

When I was the angsty young adult growing up and searching for Prince Charming, struggling with coming out and all that process entails, meeting lots of potentials and slowly experiencing them as duds or not good matches, not meeting expectations that were too huge, of my own doing, or falling in love with the wrong guy...falling in love with the right guy at the wrong time...and not ever truly finding what I needed...and for some reason my heart-song molded itself to the song, "On My Own" from the musical Les Miserables. 

"I love him but everyday I'm learning. 

All my life, I've only been pretending. 

Without me, his world will go on turning. 

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known." 

Holy crapballs, that reads so melodramatic...and yet so much truth... but then it definitely was those high school/college years.

Jump Ahead...
I moved onward to New York City and needing to find my inner strength to persevere, to survive, to navigate my way  through the fear and electricity of living in the city and through the craziness...and the tune playing over and over in my head was "Let It Sing" from the musical Violet.

"Two kinds of people in this world. 

Some say YES and some say NO. 

Time to say which side you're on....
Eeeny Meeny Miney Moe. 

Say YES and your adventures starts, 
not always as expected. 

Say NO you stay apart...but you stay protected."

And now jump ahead and I have found another anthem. And it is powerful. And it is perfect. From the current movie, "The Greatest Showman" it is an amazingly inspiring song that speaks to the level of where I am at. I am not going to shy away from not being me. I am going to continue living my truth, being who I am meant to be and doing what I am meant to do.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. 

I am gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. 

I am BRAVE. 

I am BRUISED. 

 I am who I am meant to be. 

THIS IS ME. 

Look out cause here I come, and I am marching to the beat I drum. 

I'm not scared to be seen. 

I make no apologies, 

THIS IS ME."

This is a video that showcases the first work-shopping moments of this amazing song and you can just hear the passion, the drive, the importance of this song and its lyrics. You can feel the tears just begin to fall as everyone feels the power of this creative moment...

It always brings tears to my eyes. 

I feel empowered. 

I feel important. 

I feel driven to do more, be more, and not apologize for my life and for who I am.

Cue the tears...

And go SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!

It is important to find your voice, find the tune of your life, find the music of your soul...

AND LIVE IT OUT FULLY AND BEAUTIFULLY!

Women Vs. Men and their treatment

What an awesome exercise.

What a lesson in educating others about equality and how things currently stand in the Legislative Branch of American Government.

And if only our Congress MEN would watch this, actually listen to what is being discussed and agree to lead by this example rather than by the current indignant bravado, swagger, closed minds and hearts, and absolute stupidity.

It is absolutely disgusting to me that our male members of Congress shut their female counterparts down, don't allow them to speak, ridicule them, don't allow them to stand at the table to make decisions concerning health issues and their own bodies...this photo disgusted me...

These men are acting like petulant children obsessed with the power they have been granted.

I firmly believe that this will change.

I believe these men are on a pedestal made of sand.

I know that change is coming and will be different in the next few years.

We have finally seen the arrival of the #METOO movement.

We have seen the "Time's Up" movement take hold.

We have seen the women of America find their voice...heck...they always had their voice...but now are feeling stronger and more empowered to use it...

They are marching.

They are speaking out.

They are not backing down.

They are sharing their minds and their opinions and they are becoming stronger and stronger and I could not be more proud and excited by it all.

I think the male dominated Congress and 45's America are about to be shook in the next few years...and I am ready for it.

It is TIME.

Change is coming!

And I say BRING IT!

If only some would learn...

If only folks could learn this...

Make what you say IMPORTANT

Sometimes it just feels like people are talking AT each other.

People in leadership don't think before they speak...thinking that every moment has to be blasted out via Twitter, via Facebook, via airwaves...regardless of truth, regardless of tone, regardless of others. And then they wonder why folks stop listening. Why what they say after this all lacks importance, lacks eloquence, and lacks truth.

It's time to find IMPORTANCE in what we say and how we say it.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then just be silent. 

Or at least try to figure out a way to say it with thought or a kinder way to do it.

Life is too short...

Life is too short to surround yourself with negativity.

Surround yourself with positivity.

Surround yourself with COLOR 

and JOY 

and PEACE 

and HEART.

Surround yourself with people who love you,

who support you, 

who YOU support,

who know exactly what to say, 

when to say it, 

and do it with heartfelt gratitude and love.

Surround yourself with HOPE and not FEAR.

Surround yourself with folks who SHOW UP and love you.

But you have to remember to SHOW UP, too!!!

And always remember to nourish your soul with whatever does that for you. 

Take the time to fill your soul up with what brings you happiness.

It is so important, my friends.

There is so much negativity out there these days.

So much darkness and stupidity and negativity that we just shake our heads and keep thinking 

WHY?

There is so much fear out there...

SO much fighting.

So much hatred and vitriol.

So MUCH of things out of our control.

SO we have to take back our own power.

Take back those things we can...

We have to take control of the things we actually can control.

Ourselves.

Our actions towards others.

Reminding ourselves to be an electron for good.

Being a positive influence

 and being there for each other.

I get lost in thought sometimes...

This has for some reason been ME these last few days...

Just so much going on and yet...

she creeps into my thoughts...

Moments when I think about her...

Moments when I think about all the wonderful adventures we shared together and apart.

I have spoken so many times on this here blog about a life well lived, how important it is to live each day to the absolute fullest, and she was the prime example of that for me, for my family, for all of us...

But there are days when I still wonder the "what ifs"

There are days when I tear up at thinking about her...

I come across a photo...

A song plays that reminds me...

Those damn cancer commercials...

you know the ones...

And it literally takes my breath away

That lump in my throat makes its presence known...

And I just can't.

There are days I just want to curl up...but I know she would not want me to do that.

She would want me to celebrate her.

She would want me to carry on her legacy.

She would want me to bring it....every day.

Perseverance.

Drive.

And by being compassionate.

And then the gratitude flows over me.

And I can feel her love flow all over...

And I just have to pass it on.