Who defined my masculinity in my childhood was always set by my father as well as grandfather. There were numerous discussions on how"sensitive" I was...how feminine I was and how in my later years, my mother told me that she always tried to encourage my father to spend more time with me possibly in an opportunity to provide a stronger male presence and as a role model. He would back away from it, according to her. He would always have other things to do. Was always absent.
Yet, I look back now and realize, perhaps fairly and unfairly, when I was younger and going through it all my father was absent and the moments we spent together with me as a boy are blurry because of all the anger and resentment I felt about my Dad, and towards the military, and towards the divorce...was all HIS fault. That the times he was away for summer camp or every one weekend a month for the military, he would come home and talk about what I took as being a boys weekend filled with drinking and hanging out and time away from his family. And all the choices my family made that lead us towards the divorce predominantly was because of my father. And my grandparents saying hurtful, awful things and a young man cannot forget these things...And drew me closer and closer and closer to my mom and all we had to go through together without him.
This defines my feelings sometimes of the military in regards to my family. And I know that this is an unfair labeling...and yet I struggle.
And yet as I have grown older, I realize the blame needs to be placed on both sides. Both my mom and my dad were to blame for the divorce for different reasons and yet what I cannot shake is the fact that my Dad was absent both physically and emotionally and what do I do with that?
Brene Brown is AMAZING. Her TED talk about SHAME is so powerful. Men feel shame when they feel WEAK. She tells us that vulnerability is NOT weakness as a majority of people believe or choose to believe or struggle with. And yet, a man is not allowed to feel weak and not allowed to show it...throw in the struggle of coming out and all that encompasses and it becomes overwhelming. She states ,"Vulnerability is taking risk. It is our most accurate measurement of courage. The birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change and how we adapt to it."
When is the moment you are having to "become a MAN" in regards to being forced to grow up? I think my first breakdown was the evening I was called upstairs into the living room and told of my parents' choice to divorce. I was forced to pick between them as to who I wanted to live with. And take in all of the above and the selection was obvious to me and all rolled from there. It was at that moment that I realized, "Oh we are here. This is going to be what defines my life for a bit." Little did I know that it would define my entire life. A moment when I knew there was no going back. I would never experience innocence again and I cannot go back.
The next time was coming out. And I would NEVER want to go back into the closet and yet the shame I felt by coming out and how ridiculed I felt and how I needed to apologize for being gay and coming out...apologize for dreams that would not be met...apologize for being different and odd in the face of a family who were steeped in religion, traditions, and me always feeling like the odd man out...apologize for who I was at my very core and was just coming to realize...gay people continue to feel this on a daily basis and it is absolutely debilitating...and yet I PUSH forward.
And in the last few years, I think we have ALL been finally given our voice and an opportunity to shake the shame, shake the guilt, and find our voice and strengthen it. Thankful for the leaps and bounds we made in regards to equality and basic freedoms and humanity. Leaps and BOUNDS...yet now with the tone of the American society taking leaps and bounds backwards, I feel like we are being forced back into the closet and you know what, I refuse to go back. I refuse to apologize for my life. I refuse to apologize for my relationship and marriage with my husband. I REFUSE to apologize for YOUR insecurities.
Being comfortable with being in the process of becoming a newer version of myself and what it means to be manly...this is self-defined and being comfortable to define it for MYSELF. WOW!
Just some thoughts for the day...
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