Weak and in awe.

Just gonna think out loud here for awhile...

I feel inadequate when I am around men. Especially strong, cocky men. I always have. I feel weak and often go inward around them. Those men that overcompensate their strength, their masculinity, their aggressive nature have always made me feel weak and inept.

Yet in awe.
To exude such strength  and swagger and confidence. That truly is what this is about. CONFIDENCE.

To be overcompensating for everything is really a turn off...and yet it is perceived as strength.

I have never felt much like I fit into the masculine side of the human race and I have said this before.

Whenever I am on unsure footing, when life has thrown too many curve balls, when I am tired, I lose sight of the confidence I have gained the older I have gotten. I have allowed others to walk over me, to talk down to me, to break my stride and for that, I am giving myself GRACE and reminding myself to be kinder to myself.

Also gently reminding myself to STAND UP.
Stand back up, brush off, and remind myself that I AM ENOUGH.

Keep working on your inner spirit. Keep growing inwardly and outwardly it will show.

I may not have large muscles, but I am strong.
I may be emotional, but that is NOT a symbol of weakness...that is kindness and love in action.
Amen

A dream I recently had...

So I am not one to remembers dreams all that often, yet when I do...I PAY ATTENTION!!!
And this one was given to me on Valentine's Day!!! A great way to start that day!!

So a recent dream I had was as follows...
I was at a family gathering in northern Minnesota at my Uncle Everett and Aunt Carol's house. We are all in the living room and kitchen area. I am in my mid to early teens and there is lots of laughter and good times. I walk into their kitchen and am looking around...I notice lots of dark paneling and counter tops. I turn around and all of sudden notice a tree in the kitchen. It was almost like it was cut down and placed in the kitchen on purpose. The linoleum floor was cut and arranged to showcase the roots. I am in awe of it...particularly for the oddity of it all. As I walk around it, I look all over it and see where the branches meet the ceiling...and even notice a HUGE old grey papery hornets nest that is also there in its branches. It is a mere shell...no hornets...and is just there as ornament.

Then we all go outside and I walk around the corner and notice a large cement set of stairs that one would see in a city park somewhere...only difference...these cement steps appear to be headed up to the sky. My uncle Donnie is about to head up the steps. He begins to walk up a few steps and I feel a hand in the small of my back pushing me forward. I yell out, "I love you, Uncle Donnie!!" He turns around and he is a younger version of himself...perhaps from around the 60's? Not sure how I would remember that version as it would only be in photos I had seen of him...but he tells me, "You know I look forward to that every time! I love you too" and then turns and continues to climb.

When I reached out to my cousin Sherri for some analysis of the dream, she had some amazing feedback and analysis. I asked her if it is okay to share this...

She mentioned that our family had amazing gatherings when I was growing up and that always happened in the heart of the home which was the kitchen. It was the hub for all the good food our family makes and always feels like the warmest room in the house. This is where the roots of our family where strengthened.
The tree symbolizes the family tree of our family and the hornets nest symbolizes the dark period we, or I have been through, representing the pain and drama of our/my past. For that back ground you will need to go back into this blog to refresh your mind on it. But the reason it is a dead hornets nest is that the darkness has past and we/ I are/am all moving forward. It doesn't go away, but serves as a reminder of what was...I like that so much. A move forward...
My age is reflective of significance that this was the time of my life where I had the most questions about my truth and what it all meant.
The hand on my back is always and forever that of my Mom's. She pushes me forward in my life and will continue to do so for as long as I live. I just know it. She encourages me to live my life by leading with love and kindness at all times. This is such a strong example for all of us to lead with and can drive us forward into a dark, scary world.

"I love you" is the powerful message we all need to hear, including my family.
I think it is important that we say it.
On the daily.
Because you just never now when it will be too late.

I woke up with STRONG visuals, STRONG feeling of love and joy, and was immensely happy.

A little daily gratitude...

We must find gratitude in our daily lives.
Sometimes we forget to breathe and shift our focus and find the light in darker times.
Even I forget those times to just breathe...
Gentle reminders...
Gentle reminders...

I am grateful for my students. Their energy keeps me looking forward to coming to class every day!!!! And their passion and zest for speaking their truth and using their voices for change in this world gives me such hope for our futures. Their passion is strong and they have definite vision for the way they want their world to be...and that makes me so happy.

I am grateful for spring. I can feel it coming. I am ready. I am ready to plant my gardens and get outside for yard work and planting. For with this time, comes a freshness of spirit and a breath of fresh air. I can feel it in the air...walked out of the garage this morning and took a deep breath and could feel the rain and dew in each breath and it was invigorating. I am grateful for each moment to start anew and grow.

I am grateful for quiet time. A chance to regroup and calm my mind and heart. It is my sincere hope that some time this week, you find your quiet.

I am grateful for music. I am grateful for the undercurrent it provides in my life and I am grateful to my dad for giving my this amazing gift. It plays such a underscore of my day. I wish I could share with you my soundtrack...Kind of like Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist currently on NBC.
Currently playing on my soundtrack...JAZZ. I wish I could be a jazz singer in some club somewhere. Find myself an accoustic group and just sing...more like SAAAAAANNNNNGGGG. Make music together and just lay back and create smooth music.

YES!!!!

That's where my gratitude lays today...
How about yours?
Don't forget to take a few moments and just breathe gratitude into your heart and soul.
It's so important...

Love you guys...
Keep Sojourning on Friends!!!
You GOT THIS!

My teddy bear...and my comfort zone

He was an old Smokey the Bear.
He was worn out from all the hugs and the stories.
He was missing his button eyes.
He was missing his park ranger hat.
He was missing his belt and badge.
He was missing fur from all the tugging in the night for safety with a sucked thumb.
And he was loved.
And he SURE didn't look like this one after years of protecting me during the night...

I look back on the days when a strong sense of support came from a blanket, a teddy bear, a binky pacifier and began too think...growing into adulthood, sometimes it can be a scary turn of events. That sense of security the items of our childhood provided is gone, packed away in a dresser drawer.

Sometimes you are thrown into adulthood and you don't have a choice but to grow up and grow up quick.

That was how I felt in regards to my parent's divorce.
Like everything was ripped out from underneath me and I was forced to navigate through all of that and figure out the next steps. Some I did on my own and found a sense of independence I had never experienced before. Some of it, I reached out to for help on...whether it was my mom or my close circle of friends...of which I will be eternally grateful for.

It isn't necessarily a yearning to go back to carrying a blanket.
That is just plain crazy for a adult to admit that info...ha ha ha ha ha ha

But perhaps attempting to find that sense of security is what I am really attempting to imply here?
It is finding that support system that you can rely on. Willing to listen and provide valuable feedback...trustworthy, confidence builders and that you are able to provide that in return.
Finding and growing into your own skin and then paying it forward. That is the important part...PAYING IT FORWARD.

But what happens when you get TOO comfortable? Too set in your ways?? Justin always says that I am unwilling to try new things...especially different food. And that is TRUE!!! The older I have gotten, the more comfortable I have become in regards to life. Settled. Stationary. Sedentary. Stagnant. He pushes me and forces me to try new things. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. And it is okay.

And I just need those gentle, sometimes forceful, reminders to get out of that comfort zone.  Life is meant to be lived fully, and deeply, and as invested as we possibly can be. I posted this reminder on my classroom projector not only for me, but as an example to my kiddos. Sometimes the insecurity life provides serves as a shake-up that showcases that it is time for some life learning.

Consider yourself shook.

The invitation...to AMERICA

September 2001,

The Actor's Studio.

Cohort 9.

We gathered together to share with each other the most powerful belonging in our life. I shared the photo of me in the Badlands. It is my favorite and showcases possibility...the vast spread of beyond and potential.

The leader of our session shared the above poem and it MOVED ME SO MUCH!!!

There are aspects of this that speak to deep within my soul.

It jumps back and speaks to various aspects of the "Anatomy of Trust" that Brene Brown created. Saying you are going to hold yourself an others accountable. That you are going to do what you say you will do to get the work one.

To be there for others who are hurting. For others less fortunate.

Isn't that what we are all about here in this country?

I think this needs to serve as a gentle reminder of this poem. 

We have strayed and allowed a certain political party to push us off the ledge and embrace hatred, indignance, and GET OUT mentality.

It is time to get back into Teddy Roosevelt's "It is not the critic who fails, but the one who is in the fire doing what needs to be done to get the job done"...I paraphrase...but you get the idea.

We have forgotten, and allowed a small amount of people in government, including 45, to force us into allowing hatred as common place, and acts of crime as common place, and all of the aspects our forefathers placed into the Constitution to become a wasted piece of paper as okay.

It speaks volumes when you award a HUGE medal of honor to a man who is basically a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, this highest civilian medal...turning it into nothing but metal.

It is time to come back to a modem of "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." 

And we must figure out how to make sure we come back to ALL are welcome to the table. 

ALL are welcome to find their voice. 

ALL are welcome...

no WALLS...

just tables.

A parable...

Once there was a young man who grew up in a smallish town. He was gentle, and creative, and imaginative, and felt out of place most of the time. He was an only child. He was not your typical boy. He didn't like sports. Most other boys made him feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. Not only because they were aggressive and a lot of times cruel, but also because they represented many things the young boy knew deep down he would never be. He was not aggressive. He was not a fighter. He just didn't know how to stand up for himself. He looked in the mirror and and all he saw was weakness and skinny, lanky arms and legs.

He would grow into a teenager and all of these issues and aspects of his life seemed to amplify up. He began to surround himself with like minded friends who just kept the mentality of "It just doesn't matter...you are YOU and I like you." and for them he was super grateful and began to grow more into himself. But being surrounded by those boys who were hyper-masculine, into sports, into girls, into sex and the bragging rights, into school and would mock the boy for being "artistic", being emotional, being sensitive was debilitating. They were just unkind. The young man was self-conscious and easily hurt.

There were times when he sensed that his parents just didn't know what to do about him. They would have discussions blaming each other about who's responsibility it was to teach their son how to MAN-UP and not be so sensitive. The father detached and continued to separate himself and be more involved in other activities...perhaps out of fear or just not knowing what to do about it...or even out of disagreement and wanting his son to grow into his own. It was never clear.

The summer between his sophomore and junior year, his parents decide that they can no longer be together. Blaming, trying to do the best for not only themselves, but also for their son. Mother felt unheard for such a long time. Father has been absent and off doing other activities...all under the premise of "for the good of the family" yet it still was being absent from the daily happenings of the family. Emotionally he has been gone for a long time. Mom needs emotional support elsewhere. She finds that support elsewhere. They decide to divorce and give their son the option of selecting who he wants to live with. The painful answer is clear to him. His father has always been the enforcer and not connected fully to his son. The mother has been the nurturer, the emotional connection her son needs. He decides to go and live with his mother and father is devastated, depressed, and unsure of what is next. His paternal grandparents are less than kind.

The child continues to grow in uncertainty and invests himself in the arts. Puberty throws so many issues into the mix. He tries to navigate through the cards he has been dealt with the only way he knows how. He surrounds himself with his circle of friends, who gratefully became his support system and his education and his opening to be a part of something. He learns the idea "Fake it to Make it." There are times when he feels inadequate around other guys in school. But you throw hormones in there and all of a sudden, the guys involved in sports are cocky, self assured, muscular, sweaty, and heroes and he begins to realize that they are beautiful and that he is attracted to them, but he can NEVER admit that because that means admitting other MAJOR issues. So he pushes all of this down and aside and tries to be successful in school. He wanted to get out of the state and get away. Just plain away.

He continues to grow. He adopts a mentality of work hard. Be Successful. Do whatever you can to follow your dreams. Build that resume and justify your potential. Live life to the fullest and achieve your goals. And he appears successful to those around him...but in the depths...he still feels inadequate. He is afraid of conflict. He cries alot. He remains sensitive and allows others to walk over him. He allows others to have power over his thoughts. He gets depressed. He is self-conscious and awkward and gawky and yet he comes to real life realizations about who he is at his core and he begins to explore this all, figuring out that for most of his childhood, the signs were always there. He has and always was attracted to men, not women. And he tried to deny this for so many years, yet the signs were all there.

So he comes out.

And then all the other stuff is pushed aside, but don't go away, and he deals with the present issues.

He continued to cry many times. He remained ultra sensitive and quickly began to realize that he is much more what society defines as feminine rather than masculine. And he filed that away. He unfairly superimposes the ideas of weakness, emotional, less than, tears and not being in total control as feminine aspects of his personality. And he realizes that it is unfair to do that...but yet that is where society has pushed him and others thought processes.

Jump ahead to now. He is dealing with all of the issues. He has lost the support line of his mother, for she has passed. He holds tightly to how much she grew into her own strength, who redefined for him the idea of inner strength, inner beauty, and that NO ONE has a right to treat others as less than and get away with it, and she had to learn the hard way through life's detours.  He is grateful for the growth and support of his relationship with his father, but it is just plain different than the connection he had with his mother. He has grown into a fairly successful young man, in society's perception, but still deep down feels inadequate and still feels weak.

He has met an amazing man in his life who teaches, actually pushes, him towards therapy and dealing with all he pushed aside and down deep. He has sadly become set in his ways and needs those sometimes not-so-gentle pushes to step outside of his comfort zone. He struggles to navigate through grief, depression, anxiety, and life. But he meets some terrific therapists who help him immensely and for them he will be eternally grateful.

He hears words like: Grace. Kindness. Loving yourself. Grow.
He hears them but can he implement them.

He hears an amazing podcast...the Good Life Project... and he grows to love it more and more. It is informative and personal for him so many times. It continues to ring lots of bells and whistles for him. He hears a podcast entitled "Loving Yourself" and the bells begin to ring in his ears so loudly that he can't turn it off and feels the need to get these words documented as quickly as possible.

The man being interviewed stated, " Coming out of the darkness of the suffering of life and learning to love yourself is the most important thing you might have never learned in life. Because if you cannot love yourself, how are you going to allow others to love you. You have to make yourself a pact...you have to look yourself in the mirror and make an agreement with who you see there that you are going to love yourself. You are going to grow in love and grow to love even the flaws you have always seen. You have to learn to appreciate the entire package or vow to work on those flaws and make them better. And this work, of learning to love yourself, has to begin from the inside and then move it outward."

So many times, this young man has had this prospect just reversed. He felt like he needed to be present for others, love others, hoping that they in turn would help him fix himself. And yet...that needed to come from within instead. Love yourself from the inside out.

He is a work in progress. He is figuring out how to give himself some grace and grow from there. He is going to keep reminding himself of this parable and keep moving forward and attempting to grow from there.

I love this.

Such a powerful statement.
I empower my kiddos with this every day.
It is so important that we realize our worth and also realize that if we are not being respected, especially by a loved one or significant other, that we find the strength either to raise the warning flag and start the conversation or by all means, get yourself up from the conversation and walk AWAY. So many times we as human beings don't think we have a valuable stake in the conversation, or that walking away is a sign of weakness, and to all of that I say WRONG!
Each of us has a voice.
It is important that we use it.
One valuable thing I have learned is this...if you don't speak out and say what is on your heart, you will live in a "shoulda, could, woulda" situation. And I have NEVER been a fan of this concept. Granted the response may not be what you want to hear back, but that is also VERY telling to your mind and heart.
Perhaps it is time for a change.
But you at least spoke your mind and heart and got it out there for discussion or not.

FEAR

Fear is what stops us.
Why I get out of bed each morning, moving forward.
We have to conquer our fear in order to face life.
Fear saved my life.
Fear has debilitated me, too
Fear brought me to where I am today and for that I am grateful.
I embraced fear and walked alongside of it not allowing it to overpower me but embraced it in order to do amazing adventures...

Mr. Max.

Theater.

NYC.

New job opportunities.

A creative, successful, well-lived life is when you choose the path of curiosity over fear.

Many feed on our fears.
POLITICS is a STRONG example.
They FEED on the fears of others and force them into submission and it is disgusting.

And yes, I believe that this political landscape is EXACTLY where we are today...
And for that I say...SHAME.

But I also get it. I can see exactly WHY we are where we are today.
He spoke to the common man, who were dissatisfied with the way things were going in Washington, he played to the fears of the under privileged, the hurting,  and told them he would take care of them. He gave the hatred a podium from which to speak and pushed out the folks who spoke against him, supposedly showing strength. All in a land of freedom of speech." He promised he would drain the swamp and then has done nothing but keep filling it up.

We need to find the inner strength to break free of what binds us and move forward. Sometimes that is SO hard. Taking that first step is so difficult.

During the next few months, I encourage all of you to dig deep. I encourage you to look past your 401K and your supposed higher wages..look past the supposed "better economy" and really look at what has occurred in this country and dig deep into your heart to say...can I really support this man? Sure Wall Street has shown great gains...all at a great expense...higher deficit and debt ceiling, a man who blatantly lies to your face...and then goes back and says either I didn't say that or I didn't mean that...when it is all recorded... a man who has forced all of our allies to turn their backs on us and who mock him openly on video, who has promoted hatred at every turn, who has spoken with such vitriol that even our own children cannot repeat what he has said both online and in speeches across our country. The office of the President of the United States is supposed to be the shining example of who we are as a people, and represent us, and yet 45 is nothing but an embarrassment, here and abroad and anything BUT a shining example.

He does NOT represent me. Never has. Never will. I am disgusted where we are today. And I suggest we turn the page somehow. Take a chance on something different.
I support bringing kindness and civility back to the United States and kick hatred to the curb.

And not allow FEAR to motivate us, move us, and hold us where we currently are.
That is my HOPE.
That is what will DRIVE me for the next few months.
Anything BUT fear.

The Anatomy of Trust: Brene Brown

I have spoken about how powerful Brene Brown has been in my life. So many AHA moments from her teachings and books and presentations. I KNOW she speaks volumes to so many of us. If you haven't had the chance to hear her speak...run... don't walk.

Check out her You-tube video on "The Power of Vulnerability"

I shared this post with my colleagues last fall because we have had a break down of sorts. A break down of relationship. A break down of professionalism. A break down of connection. Just a break down and it was, and is, my goal to unify our professional community.

Each one of these areas she covers is so powerful unto itself and can be a life lesson for each of us.

• Setting boundaries
•  being a reliable source
•  doing what you say you are going to do
• being accountable for your own mistakes and owning them and holding others to the same standard.
• Not sharing something held in confidence. We are all prone to gossip...but why?
• Approaching things with zero judgement. We are all QUICK to judge these days...but WHY? Not your place. 
• Being generous...not only with your time, but being present, being generous of spirit...

A little life mantra to face our days ahead...with new sense of direction...

Thank you, Brene Brown!

Meditation

I don't deal with silence very well.
My mind gets going.
I spin things...
Sometimes VERY unfairly.
I am not comfortable in my own silence and perhaps that is very telling.

However, over the past few months, I have really found great value in a yoga program at our local community center. It is called Warm and Restore Yoga and it centers on Yin Yoga. Yin Yoga focuses less on flow and movement and more so on setting a posture and holding it for longer periods of time, allowing your body to stretch and release and grow. Each session always ends with a small amount of time for meditation. I have fallen in love with this time allotted for myself. I am grateful for the opportunity to recoup and regroup and focus my head and heart and body. I love this form and style of yoga.

Over the past year I have also become a fan of podcasts...especially the podcast that motivate and encourage you to personally grow. I hosted a fall conference last September down in Little Rock that was centered on personal growth and professional growth. I created a inspiration packet that included valuable music, mantras, books, and podcasts to find inspiration.These are part of that packet. Feel free to peruse.

 I do not have the rights and royalties to any of these. I just created these pages to provide inspiration to my fellow instructors and colleagues. Perhaps you will find inspiration from them as well??

One thing I noticed from a couple of my USUAL podcasts is that in a two week time frame, they spoke about the power of meditation. They even mentioned the idea that if a concept or topic is brought up into discussion numerous times and from numerous sources, sometimes there has to be a reason. That perhaps we are meant to dig deeper. find why it has been brought into your forefront for you to dig into?

Well...here is what came into my periphery from two of the same podcasts over a different time frame.

They brought up this idea of a 10 day meditation program called Vipassana. It is an ancient meditation that is still taught today and was taught by Buddha himself in India 2500 years ago. There are sites all over the world that teach these 10-day courses and they are free. You are fully immersed into the meditation program, no phones, no paper to write things down, and they provide you the food and lodging for the experience. They only money they ask for is at the end of the experience as a goodwill donation and to help pay it forward for future friends to experience this form of meditation.

Here is the website link: https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index

Drew Carey mentioned it on his interview with Dax Shepard on Armchair Experts and Rachel Hollis spoke in great detail about it on Rise. They have also, I believe, talked about it quite fully on Good Life Project.

It is just sounds life changing.
It sounds amazing.
It sounds too good to be true.
It sounds awful and daunting and quite possibly a little nerve wracking once you get into it.
I doubt myself as to whether I could actually do it.
And perhaps I need a little more focus placed on actual meditation so that I do not set myself up for failure...

But I am intrigued...
And consider my interest peaked.

Sharing our truth

Life is an incredible journey.
There are going to be hardships. There are going to be moments that will KNOCK the breath out of you and leave you hopelessly crumpled on the ground.
But you HAVE TO PICK YOURSELF BACK UP.
You HAVE TO.
For in getting back up, you show what you are made of.
It may hurt like hell for a while. But those wounds will heal.

There are going to be amazing memories that you will carry with you forever.
For life is but a roller coaster. Truthfully a CRAZY roller coaster. Of emotions. Of experiences. Of snapshots. Of friendships. Of partings.

But that is what makes up our life's topography.

And it is okay.

I have and always will lead this life in a mode of kindness matters first and foremost and that we must always figure out how to lead with love. I share this with my kiddos on the daily. No matter what is sometimes thrown back at you. You give grace and move forward...leaving behind the the ignorance, the unwillingness to dig deeper, the unwillingness to listen...
Because most of the time...that is on them...not you.

It is so important to share our truths no matter what.
Whatever that may mean to you.
Sometime this is hard.
Sometimes this is unknown.
But it is YOUR truth.

If it makes others uncomfortable...once again, that is on them.
That is something that they will need to work on...
Or not.
That is not on you.

Live fully friends.
Live beautifully.
Give Hugs.
Spread Love and Kindness.
The world NEEDS it right now.

Where I am...

 Sometimes we get so caught up and blinded by the path we are on. The state of things...both personally and physically. 

I have been on a journey and am learning so much about myself and my relationships.
It has been exhausting and I am going to be very transparent. That is the best policy for me. Call it narcissistic. Call it caustic. Call it a need for a little selfishness. Call it whatever you want but it works for me.

I have not been in a good place. Beginning from my mom's death. And then the nation turned the SHARP corner and I felt nothing but anxiety. I felt hopelessness. I felt unstable and unsure and not sure what that next step looked like.

But I reached out. I was encouraged by my husband to begin therapy and it has been a struggle. It has been a beautiful, awful experience and I wouldn't change a thing. If you think "wow I didn't realize how weak he is"...STOP READING NOW and move on. This post is definitely NOT for you. And you wouldn't understand.

But if you felt otherwise...read on fellow sojourner.

Therapy has allowed me to grow and to recognize various areas and issues in my life that I didn't deal with, that I didn't realize I "suffered" from or that I pushed aside.

Various issues came to the surface:

• How vengeful our society has become. How hate filled it is and how much I struggle to understand that. And POLITICS has fueled this.
• How much my early education and teachings from the church were both beautiful and HURTFUL to someone like me. The fire and brimstone of my childhood church has debilitated me and my relationship with my husband and how certain members of my family played a HUGE role in that. Lots of guilt and SHAME and FEAR resurfaced.
• How my coming out process was not like others (thankfully) but that some of the things my mother reacted to during my coming out process has defined where I am today... the AIDS epidemic and how scary that is and was to a Midwestern fresh out of the closet gay...and a protective mother who "was just too young to lose a son. Too young to have a son DIE of AIDS"....the amount of FEAR on both sides...and the COURAGE to navigate through it together...yet the amount of guilt that still weighs on my heart. And Shame.
• The fact that when younger, I just was not a piece of the puzzle that fit into the gay community...the meat market of it all, the sex, sex, sex, and how I was of the mindset of ( and always have been) the Long-term relationship kinda guy and if there wasn't the emotional connection...there definitely wasn't going to be the intimate relationship. Hence LOTS of being alone and lonely and the shame that went with that.
• The fact that when I was younger, I was NOT what other boys were...I was NOT comfortable in my own skin...I was way too skinny...I was not like the muscular boys in my Boy Scout troop...and then there was the attraction to them...and the fact that I was way more feminine than I should be in a hyper-masculine world. I have found out that unfairly my folks tried to navigate through that and perhaps blame was placed no one or the other because I was so "sensitive" and "emotional" and didn't play sports, hated sports, and was more focused on imagination and creative venues. My closest friends were girls. I didn't relate to many guys for fear of being treated WEAK and poked fun of. More shame

It is all of these and more that I am trying very hard to navigate through. I don't put this out there for sympathy. I don't put this out there for comment. I DO NOT put this out there to point fingers or lay blame. It is no one's fault. It was MY DNA and it has taken me such a LONG time to get to this point of being able to realize that.

I DO put this out there to say, "Hey, we all have things we struggle with. And with help, you can emerge stronger and more whole and at peace with what cards you were dealt." You just have to be willing to take the outstretched hand and grab hold.

I DO put this out there for whoever is reading this to realize that you CAN emerge from the other side with a sense of strength and positivity and refocus and vibrancy that is super cool to feel. 

Is the journey easy? HELL NO! It is the most awful, debilitating, invigorating, exciting, and scary journey I have ever gone down. But it is honesty and a willingness to navigate through it a figure out why I do the things I do, made the choices made, and see why I am the mess I am today. And I am a mess...believe me. But I am working on it.

I am beginning to feel WHOLE on many levels for the first time in my life and just wanted to share with you, my story, my journey. What I struggled, and still struggle with, and that I am grateful to each of you for sticking by me, supporting me, loving me, coming back into my life and helping me row this boat. Because I am beginning to feel refreshed and refocused and stronger.