Where I am...

 Sometimes we get so caught up and blinded by the path we are on. The state of things...both personally and physically. 

I have been on a journey and am learning so much about myself and my relationships.
It has been exhausting and I am going to be very transparent. That is the best policy for me. Call it narcissistic. Call it caustic. Call it a need for a little selfishness. Call it whatever you want but it works for me.

I have not been in a good place. Beginning from my mom's death. And then the nation turned the SHARP corner and I felt nothing but anxiety. I felt hopelessness. I felt unstable and unsure and not sure what that next step looked like.

But I reached out. I was encouraged by my husband to begin therapy and it has been a struggle. It has been a beautiful, awful experience and I wouldn't change a thing. If you think "wow I didn't realize how weak he is"...STOP READING NOW and move on. This post is definitely NOT for you. And you wouldn't understand.

But if you felt otherwise...read on fellow sojourner.

Therapy has allowed me to grow and to recognize various areas and issues in my life that I didn't deal with, that I didn't realize I "suffered" from or that I pushed aside.

Various issues came to the surface:

• How vengeful our society has become. How hate filled it is and how much I struggle to understand that. And POLITICS has fueled this.
• How much my early education and teachings from the church were both beautiful and HURTFUL to someone like me. The fire and brimstone of my childhood church has debilitated me and my relationship with my husband and how certain members of my family played a HUGE role in that. Lots of guilt and SHAME and FEAR resurfaced.
• How my coming out process was not like others (thankfully) but that some of the things my mother reacted to during my coming out process has defined where I am today... the AIDS epidemic and how scary that is and was to a Midwestern fresh out of the closet gay...and a protective mother who "was just too young to lose a son. Too young to have a son DIE of AIDS"....the amount of FEAR on both sides...and the COURAGE to navigate through it together...yet the amount of guilt that still weighs on my heart. And Shame.
• The fact that when younger, I just was not a piece of the puzzle that fit into the gay community...the meat market of it all, the sex, sex, sex, and how I was of the mindset of ( and always have been) the Long-term relationship kinda guy and if there wasn't the emotional connection...there definitely wasn't going to be the intimate relationship. Hence LOTS of being alone and lonely and the shame that went with that.
• The fact that when I was younger, I was NOT what other boys were...I was NOT comfortable in my own skin...I was way too skinny...I was not like the muscular boys in my Boy Scout troop...and then there was the attraction to them...and the fact that I was way more feminine than I should be in a hyper-masculine world. I have found out that unfairly my folks tried to navigate through that and perhaps blame was placed no one or the other because I was so "sensitive" and "emotional" and didn't play sports, hated sports, and was more focused on imagination and creative venues. My closest friends were girls. I didn't relate to many guys for fear of being treated WEAK and poked fun of. More shame

It is all of these and more that I am trying very hard to navigate through. I don't put this out there for sympathy. I don't put this out there for comment. I DO NOT put this out there to point fingers or lay blame. It is no one's fault. It was MY DNA and it has taken me such a LONG time to get to this point of being able to realize that.

I DO put this out there to say, "Hey, we all have things we struggle with. And with help, you can emerge stronger and more whole and at peace with what cards you were dealt." You just have to be willing to take the outstretched hand and grab hold.

I DO put this out there for whoever is reading this to realize that you CAN emerge from the other side with a sense of strength and positivity and refocus and vibrancy that is super cool to feel. 

Is the journey easy? HELL NO! It is the most awful, debilitating, invigorating, exciting, and scary journey I have ever gone down. But it is honesty and a willingness to navigate through it a figure out why I do the things I do, made the choices made, and see why I am the mess I am today. And I am a mess...believe me. But I am working on it.

I am beginning to feel WHOLE on many levels for the first time in my life and just wanted to share with you, my story, my journey. What I struggled, and still struggle with, and that I am grateful to each of you for sticking by me, supporting me, loving me, coming back into my life and helping me row this boat. Because I am beginning to feel refreshed and refocused and stronger.