A note to my 16 year old self...

LORD...if only this were possible.

This is probably one of the most annoying things about Rupauls Drag Race seasons...Never fails...final episode and Rupaul asks each one of the final three... if you could tell your three, four, five, eleven year old self...what would you tell 16 year old Brandon

And I would cue the butterflies and tears...

Mascara and fake lashes would be flowing down my cheeks in a matter of moments...

Learn to stop and relax.

Give yourself more grace.

Not everybody is going to like you...and its gonna be okay.

Why my 16 year old self? Because that's where it all changed. That's where my life changed and I stopped being a child and was forced to grow into a young protective man. Protective of my mother. Protective of my secrets I held deep in my heart and could bear to face. And I did it all on my own. I made these decisions on my own because I KNEW I had to do this not only for my future but also to be there when my Momma needed me. I was the man of the house...whatever that meant... 

 Let's be honest...on some levels I just stopped. And I didnt lose it...I left it behind. Because I felt like I had to.  For others. For my self preservation. For my life goals because I was close enough to my own graduation...but even then I let others kind of drive me in a direction...

My dad.

My grandparents. 

My mom to some level...but she and I had a different understanding.

And I learned lessons. 

And I learned to steer my car just a bit but gave others the ownership of my energy, my journey and raced to finish line after finish line...never taking time to truly relish in accomplishments. It was to make others proud on many levels...giving others the chance to brag on their grandson...their son...and not taking the time myself to feel acceptable and accomplished. 

Take back what is yours.

Don't allow your car to be driven by someone else.

Let yourself be happy. If you realize you are not happy, shift gears. It's ok to change directions. 

Always remind yourself that you are okay and that sometimes it's not your fault...life happens and we learn and grow and evolve.

Dont stop growing and evolving, friends. 

Keep growing into a better version of YOU...whatever that may be. 

And learn to be at peace with that. 

The scars of our past...

We all have scars from our past. We wouldn't be human without them. Some are visible and some are not. Some are big...some are small. Emotional and physical.

I am learning to take the time these days to look back on the scars I have personally accrued from my life's journey. What have I learned from these scars and hurdles? How did I get them and how do I react differently to life's moments because of them?

I firmly believe you have to take the time to reflect on your past sometimes, acknowledging past mistakes, past hurdles and owning the mistakes and hurts, and attempting to heal them. This is a moment to reflect, a moment to regroup, and a moment to learn about how these moments affect your decisions moving forward or how you answer life's questions.

Some of these scars may need time set aside to dig into and focus in on and that's ok. Recognizing is the first part. Knowing your limits is another. And addressing them in your own time...important to always keep in mind. 

That's something important to remember, friends. Heal the scars...not hide them. When we hide them or bury them, all we encourage is feelings of shame and guilt and for that...the struggles are real.

So thankful for a hand to hold on this journey...because I cannot go back to the way I have been doing things.

I have found a different way to get through things... and it seems to be working

 And when the scar is left behind, whether it is physical or emotional, that is a badge of honor, courage, and recovery.

Agree to disagree

 Oh friends...

How many many times I have heard this phrase thrown about...

In class.

In discussion.

With family.

With groups trying to make decisions. 

There is a time and a place when this phrase is appropriate to banter about. But when it comes to the things listed above...

THIS is the line. 

The answer will ALWAYS BE 

NO.

Period.

Absolutely NOT.

Folks need to learn the difference. 

Lessons need to be learned. 

There are just some things that are too important to than to put it up to " agree to disagree".

A sadness fills the air...

 

If Sondheim were to write his own epitaph, I believe this would be the one. He had such a profound effect on so many musical theater performers and directors. The vast amount of material and joy and beauty he brought to this world through his lyrics and his melodies will go on and on forever. 

There will truly be no one else like him.

From "With so little to be sure of" from Anyone Can Whistle:

"Thanks for everything we did,

Everything that's past,

Everything's that's over

Too fast.

None of it was wasted.

All of it will last:

Everything that's here and now and us together!

It was marvelous to know you

And it's never really through.

Crazy business this, this life we live in-

Can't complain about the time we're given-

With so little to be sure of in this world,

We had a moment."

A moment for gratitude

 I wanted to take a moment to reflect.

To express gratitude.

To bring gratitude to the forefront because it is so important to remember and reflect...

~ I am thankful for a husband who loves me, who pushes me to be the best version of myself, who frustrates me to no end yet also helps me to grow and focus on what is important. My love for you grows more and more each day.

~ I am thankful for my family across the miles. Even though the times together are few and far between sometimes...You are loved.

~I am thankful for my students, who push me to be a better teacher, coach, and person in this world.

~I am thankful for those friends who are so much more than JUST friends. They have become family.

~ I am thankful for puppy cuddles and those kisses. The yips when you get home and how glad they are to see me.

~I am thankful for creative opportunities...to perform music and bring a smile to folks' faces. Please may I never take my symphony opportunities for granted. May I always feel those goosebumps!!!

~ I am thankful for Santa and for my Mom sharing this love. It has become such a special tradition of unpacking all of her collection and growing my own. It brings such joy to my heart each year...the unpacking of the happy little elf and always on the lookout for a special addition to my collection.

~ I am thankful for this life's journey. I have traveled many, many miles in this life of mine, and I have learned and seen so much. I am grateful for all the lessons, even the ones I have yet to learn. GROWTH is difficult at times but also so necessary to move forward.

Family...a definition.

The concept of family, these days, has become so much more than blood relatives.

Every time I go to northern Minnesota to visit family, I have one particular family member that always makes a specific point to remind me about how important family is...and almost feels like attempting to rebuild a couple of relationships that are currently fractured and might be broken. 

And it got me thinking...

While I agree with the idea of "the importance of family", what happens when a family member burns you to the point of questioning whether they are as important as they were in days gone by? Maybe too much value is placed on worrying about what others think and maybe should be placed on connection and making the most out of each moment together. 

GETTING BURNED and relationships shift towards soul  protection, towards base surface connection only and zero depth, and begin to lack importance as they have in the past. When a person makes the decision to do something against someone who is a family member, that relationship will always emerge differently than it ever has been in the past. Choices were made and there are always ramifications for those choices and one cannot do anything about that but move forward, sometimes leaving the relationship behind.

And that is ok, I think. 

Investing time in the concept of family is important, true, but it has become so much more in today's society. I struggle with that sometimes because the concept of family has shifted so much in the almost 50 years I have been on this earth. (I have been using that phrase a lot here lately, haven't I? HA HA HA Can you tell I am in the thick of turning 50?)

The family concept used to be thick and thin...common bond...strong bonds of blood and driven by connection and tradition...but as I get older...I take those moments together with a greater sense of focus when together as those times are few and far apart. Life presents moments to reconnect, share laughs, and love...Life totally happens and we move apart, ebbing and flowing and moving in and out of each other's lives like the tides of the ocean. 

And we have to learn to be okay with that...to make the absolute MOST of the times when we are brought back together...because THAT is what is more important.

But now I also look at my family unit as members who are not necessarily blood as part of my family as well. Special friends who have been there through thick and thin and who have helped me to navigate through this life with purpose, with focus, and with strong shoulders I have been able to lean on. 

Today's concept of family has become:

Blood relatives

In-laws

Single parents

Guardians

Chosen families

Divorced parents

Multi-cultural

Same-sex parents

And we have seen a shift with the tides. And that is ok.

Family means so much more these days. We need to open our hearts to so much more and be grateful for all of life's blessings. Perhaps be a lot less judgy and just plain love one another. 

I am so grateful for all of my family...blood and chosen. Near and far. Past and present. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life.  

I drink wine

I am feeling her new album so MUCH!!
When you get the chance...

give Adele 30 a listen.

This one is hitting me deep in my feels...

 

What would it take to make this a world I want to live in?

I know folks look at me like Pollyanna. I know that folks think...is he for real? How can he focus on kindness and goodwill and always think the best of people?

And I know that folks sometimes misinterpret my kindness as weakness. And that is unfortunate for them.

Unfortunately, I have had moments recently when I have had to readjust. The old Maya Angelou adage, "When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time." BOY HOWDY, if only I would listen, it would save me so much hurt and angst. 

A dear friend told me, "B, you lead with your heart. That is what pulls folks into you as a person." I just have to figure out how to continue to do that, but also incorporate that adage into the mix as well. And not give second and third or fourth chances. I have to protect my heart and those around me.

It is possible to be kind to others. 

It is possible to meet folks with a big ole smile.

It is possible to have opposing views and take the time to listen to others...if they are willing to listen to yours as well...and decide that this could be a deal breaker. OR we are able to move forward and just not talk about those aspect.

It is possible to change your world and to continue to evolve and grow and learn and love.

I will always smile and be the best I can possibly be. 

I will learn to limit my expectations of others because that's when I get let down in the end, some of the time. And that's ok. They aren't ready for a guy like me.

There it is...I think the world isn't ready for embracing change for good because change is scary. We settle for the status quo all the while thinking NOW it will get fixed...but we settle in and nothing happens. We settle for the status quo. 

My husband said to me the other night...the United States isn't ready for a gay President or a female President...and you know what? I tend to believe him because we Americans cannot face change that is scary. Case in point, we are tearing Kamala and Pete apart and creating all this angst and division so that folks won't shake it up "too" much. And that's when we get complacent and idle and we just move forward with all of the "same" because we don't want to be uncomfortable.

But you know what? Sometimes it takes shaking up the ground a bit and getting a little uncomfortable to make things shift towards change.

And that's a world I would like to live in. Embracing others' views by truly listening. Not treating every other person like the enemy. Leading with your heart and kindness. Speaking your mind when you have been wronged and learning lessons from past mistakes. Forgiving but not forgetting. And blooming where you are planted. Actually blooming...not being a bulb that has been planted and never grows.

Is that too much to ask?

With determination...

  My head keeps telling me: I know I can do this!

  I know I can move forward with this idea in my heart and head.

  But right now, at this very moment, it feels different? It     just all feels different, and scary, and at odds, and   untethered. What is it that I want to do with my life? I am   digging. I truthfully have lost a sense of who I am and   what I want and where I would want to steer this ship. I   have lost a sense of personal course. I feel so tired and so   out of sync.

  I am reaching. I keep reaching out to those tethers that I envision will make me happier. Make US stronger and more solid.

  I am pouring my heart and head into digging into my past and why I do the things today that were learned habits from my past. I have navigated through my first almost 50 years on a trajectory that started when I was young. And on some levels...it has not suited me as well as what I thought it would. It served its purpose, on many levels, but I learned behaviors that are not good, not beneficial to how I approach relationships, and thoughts, and life. Now it is time for me to find a stronger sense of purpose moving forward.

I so wish I could call my Momma. She would have so much to say about this whole search and dig. 

But once I do figure this all out and feel more in sync...I know my life will feel different, and my next journey will be revealed...and I will feel the shift towards kicking in with that stronger sense of purpose and drive and focus.

I just feel out of whack right now...like a kite without a tether. 

and it's okay right now...

I am ok right now.

But what's next...

That's what I don't know.

I needed time...

I needed a break.

I needed time to process and just attempt to stay afloat. I have not added any content since March 2020. We can all say we have been through IT. Through the turbulent waters and have emerged a different person...almost like a cocoon and we are about to break out of that chrysalis.

I look back and I just keep thinking, "What the hell happened? How in the hell did we get to this very moment because this was INSANE." More importantly...we have reached a moment to breathe and begin to reflect on what we have learned...and there has been so much. SO what have we learned? Are we willing to allow ourselves to dig deep and figure out what we have learned...about this experience and about our fellow man?

Insane amounts of anxiety and how to navigate through it with grace.

Feeling your breath on the mask in front of your face, hiding the emotion, and just not sure how we are going to connect. 

Feeling moments of fear, moments of distrust, and thinking about how stupid folks can really be and realize that we are and continue to be so polarized and a wave of hopelessness come overthinking...how can we come back together? Is that even possible?  My hope in a combined country continues to be polarized even with a President and team who ACTUALLY know what to do in that position...we made it through 4 years of division with a man in charge who fueled the fires and did nothing to bring us together...and we now have moved past that administration and yet we are still divided immensely. We have got to be better. We have got to learn from our mistakes and emerge better...but we are nowhere near that. WHY?

I have found my comfort at home... with a man who loves me...puppies who cuddle unconditionally...students who continue to drive my educational practice...and colleagues who continue to support and inspire me every day...and for all of that, I feel immense gratitude.

That's all I got right now...

More soon. I need this blog to come back and be a space for me to get my venting, my voice, my fears out there. If you want to continue with me, I would be grateful.

Thank you for reading.