When God calls...

Now I know we have heard this all before. When God calls, it may be at the darkest moments. It may be at the happiest moments. For me, it is usually in the quiet moments when I am at peace.

The last few weeks have been particularly rough and I have been trying very hard to just be kind to myself and pay attention to what my body, mind and heart have been saying. There have been times when I just wanted to break down and cry. There have been times when I feel the rush of energy to get things done. There are times when I just want to stay in bed, in the darkened room, and not come out for the day.

Sunday was one of those days. I felt all of the above. I just wanted to stay curled up in bed, coffee cup on the nightstand and try and recoup. I felt like crying. I felt like I had been bombarded and was just plain exhausted. No energy. Lethargic. And this meant not getting ready to go to church. And I did feel a tinge of guilt at the thought of this and struggled back and forth on whether or not to get this day begun and head off to church. I had decided I would not go and to just ignore this and pull those covers up closer to my chin.


My phone vibrated next to me and I reached over to see what was coming through. It was a message from a fellow teacher friend of mine who also happens to go to the same church. Her message was something like, "Hey, if you could put that textbook in your car this morning for church. I can't wait to see you at Argenta." And I immediately thought, "Well, there's the kick in the pants that you had wanted, Higdem."
So I got up, quickly showered, and got in the car. When I saw this friend, I immediately thanked her for the kick in the pants. I explained to her what was in my head at the moment of her message and thanked her for getting me there to worship.


The initial portion of the service is beautiful, yet on this day was rough. We offer up prayers of the people in a very comfortable, yet informal way and it is something I usually do not feel able to do. I am always grateful for the silent moments of reflection and the moment of silent prayer following this vocal moment so pray for those on my heart or the things heavy on my head. What follows is the Lord's prayer and then we move into the sermon.
On this day, the prayers definitely were not going to be easy. I had so much on my heart. My Aunt, Godmother, Cousin, and all of their family were going through such sadness and longing with the passing of Don. I prayed for my sister who is going through hardships. I prayed so hard for patience and guidance as I have for so many months on other life possibilities. And could feel the tears welling up at each turn.
Then it came time for the sermon and Pastor Will's first words were, "In life, what do you do when you face opposition? If you firmly believe that if God is for us, who can be against us, why do we face opposition in life?" And It was like I could feel my ears perking up, and I finally got it.


THIS WAS WHY I WAS MEANT TO BE HERE TODAY!!!!!!


I will include some of Will's words here that spoke to me on the most deep level and after reading the last few blog entries, I am sure you will get the mind-blowing AH HA moment you know I experienced. I may have to paraphrase...I am pulling from notes I tried to take through the excitement...


" How do you respond when we experience opposition? We tend to react. We respond. Maybe we don't react. We have this strong desire for people to like us, to want to be around us, to feel we are the life of the party but when  opposition hits us, it takes the wind out of our life's purpose."


I am this very person. I struggle with having to be the life of the party. When I was younger, I was so energetic. I was bubbly and had to be the life of the party. I struggled with trying to make everyone happy around me. I am finding as I age, I don't feel the need for this as much and am perfectly content with just "being", being quiet and listening. Sure I am still the energetic soul, feeling the electricity, and trying to be a people pleaser, but I am trying to find the juggle between these moments more and more. Finding a more genuine sense of self and what my place and pace is gong to be in this world of mine.


Will went on,"We try to make everyone happy around us, but it also makes us captive to those people who oppose us and draws us away from our purpose. It is counter-intuitive to our very nature. How do we respond to those in opposition? Should we respond? Should we just stay the course and not respond? What do you do when you feel an especially hot button being pushed? Should we respond, like Nehemiah did, with 'No thanks, I am good. I know the motivations behind this and am not going to instigate this or be a part of this.'"


LIGHT BULBS FLASHING!!!!


He continued, "It's hard to fight when the dagger comes from within. When it comes from your own family. How do you fight that?"


Now you know what I have struggled with and you know why this was so profound. How do I respond to the turmoil my aunt and cousin had presented at the visitation service? Should I respond? For I felt completely threatened and repulsed and almost backed into a proverbial corner. Should I let it go?


Will then said, "Respond from a place of security, secure in your own identity. Respond from a place where God speaks through me." But in order to do this, you have to come from a place of quiet and peace and ask Him to lead you through this. This is valuable advice that also my mom and my dad gave me as well.


Will provided optional ways to respond...
1. Be honest with yourself. You feel threatened...acknowledge that. Embrace that. It is ok. Do not fly into rage and fly off the handle. Relax and find a way to remove yourself from the situation and take a few days to collect your thoughts. PRAY.
2. Go to God. "I feel threatened by this. Why? Please help me work my way through this." Pray for God's hand and guidance.
3. Respond accordingly and with integrity.
4. Stay the course and move on.


I knew I had to respond and had been praying for guidance on the long journey home to Little Rock after the funeral. I knew I had to write yet another letter and it is now complete and mailed. I came at it from a place with no anger or animosity. I wrote and rewrote and tried very hard to remain calm and collected and yet firm in my beliefs and truths. I responded with integrity and feel proud of what I was able to put on the page. I have set the boundaries and am moving on in love and hope for a brighter future...without that particular opposition in my life going forward. For it is an opposition, that sadly, I know I am never going to be able to change their minds and hearts and vice versa. And I am ok and right with this.


The very words I had said at Don's visitation continually ring through my head. Brandon, you have lived your life as a life of LOVE. You value each human being who crosses your path as someone to learn from, to value, to embrace, to respect, to entertain, to treat as a fellow sojourner on this path towards the finish line. I try so hard to make sure that this is a love unconditional. I truly believe that this is the vision that God has for my life....to live a life of LOVE.