The Power of the Arts Continued...

As many of you may know from reading a past blog entry entitled, "The Power of the Arts" you learned that we have been seeing arts programs cut from curricullums across America at an alarming rate. We have even seen hints of it in our own school district. It is scary to think that even some our own current Republican Presidential candidates have touted the removal of The Department of Education and all it entails as a means to make cuts in our budgets to "save money". Some have even specifically told people that art and an education in the arts are not as important as "test scores" and "making the grade" not even thinking about the fact that we, as educators, need every possible avenue to be able to reach our students at whatever avenue they require, whether it be through a calculator or a paint brush or a theatrical performance or a bonson burner.

This video is a culmination of a great deal of time and effort in order to help emphasize that point...through the eyes and words of past North Little Rock High School graduates and parents of graduates who have been away from the program a little while. Now MORE THAN EVER, they recognize what arts in an educational setting has provided, not only for them, but also for generations to come.

I am EXTREMELY PROUD of this work and am so excited to be able to present it to you.

One of my faves...

One of my most favorite quotes is from Theodore Roosevelt, delivered in Paris back on April 23, 1910. Roosevelt always seems to ring true and I find that a great deal of Presidential speeches and comparisons/ models for presidential candidacies center around "The Greats". There is a reason that these "Greats" have their faces memorialized in rock both in Washington and in a mountain in South Dakota.
During this time of resolutions and new year beginnings, I submit these words for your thought and perusal:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

So true and so poignant. It is a motto I strive to emulate and encourage my students to embrace. Never ever EVER live your life in a "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" type of situation. You have to live it for the way you want. If something does not make you happy, why are you doing it? Why are you still in it? Why are you in an arena, getting all dusty and sweaty and riled up, if it truly does not bring you boundless joy? Why are you standing by the wayside watching others speed by on the racetrack when you should be shifting your own gears to make tracks of your very own?

Here's to the racetrack of 2012. Bring it ON!

Thank you Mr. Roosevelt!

Food for thought

From a Facebook friend:
Written by Rev. Jay Emerson Johnson, Ph.D.
Episcopal priest and professor, Graduate Theological Union

From The Huffington Post
Homos for the Holidays: A Religion Survival Guide

Your daughter and her new girlfriend have joined you and your extended family for a holiday feast. You're thrilled that they agreed to come. But your favorite uncle apparently didn't get the memo about how great it would be to have a lesbian couple sitting at the table. Somewhere between the hors d'oeuvres and main course, he starts grumbling about how "crimes against nature" and "abominations" are ruining his holiday.
Do you: a) fake a migraine and escape to your bedroom for two hours; b) switch the topic to politics, which would surely be easier to talk about than this; or c) adopt a non-anxious, self-confident posture as you calmly explain why God has no problem with your daughter's relationship and neither should anyone else?
I imagine most people would like to choose option "C," but far too few feel sufficiently prepared to do it. I don't recommend delivering a lecture on this topic over dinner. But if you're worried about entertaining homos for the holidays, here's a brief religion survival guide that can help soothe the family conversations. Just imagine chatting with your beloved uncle over eggnog. Whenever he makes one of the following claims (as he likely will), just respond calmly and lovingly in return, like this:

Uncle Claim #1: The Bible clearly condemns homosexuality.
Your Calm Response: Lots of people think exactly the same thing! But did you know that most biblical scholars agree that biblical writers never addressed gay and lesbian relationships as we know them today? The word "homosexuality" wasn't even invented until the late 19th century. Biblical writers cared much more about guarding against idolatry and condemning social and economic injustice than worrying about who fell in love with whom. Want to talk about year-end bonuses for Wall Street moguls?

Uncle Claim #2: But wait, God destroyed Sodom because of all that gay sex, right?
Your Calm Response: Actually, in the story of Sodom in Genesis 19, all the men of Sodom attempt to gang-rape some foreign visitors. As in rape cases today, this act is not about sexuality but about violence, power, and the hatred of strangers. All the references to this story in the rest of the Hebrew Bible (the Christian Old Testament) confirm that the "sin" of Sodom was hatred of foreigners, pride, and abuse of the poor. No sexual "sin" is mentioned in any of these later references to the story of Sodom's destruction. You know, biblical writers would probably urge us to discuss U.S. immigration policy if we're going to talk about "sodomy."

Uncle Claim #3: Well, OK. Still, the Bible clearly supports heterosexual marriage as the ideal.
Your Calm Response: I used to think so, too! But did you know that the primary form of marriage in the Hebrew Bible is polygamy, with the prize going to King Solomon, who was said to have 700 wives and 300 concubines? I was really surprised to realize that in the New Testament, both Jesus and Paul were unmarried and childless and seemed to recommend that everyone else follow their example (the best thing Paul could think to say about marriage is that it cures lust; take a look at 1 Corinthians 7). Actually, we could talk about the amazing biblical stories of same-sex devotion concerning Jonathan and David or Ruth and Naomi!

Uncle Claim #4: Then why did God create Adam and Eve, you know, rather than Adam and Steve?
Your Calm Response: Have you met Steve? He's fabulous... OK, just kidding. But think about this: the biblical creation stories in Genesis never mention same-sex relationships of any kind. The purpose of those stories is to show that God is the creator of everything that exists -- don't you think that this would include people who have a sexual orientation towards others of the same sex? And think about the creation story in Genesis 2. That chapter seems to say that the explicit purpose of creating sexual partners is not for the procreation of children but instead for the relief of loneliness. Same-sex relationships fulfill that purpose of creation as well as different-sex relationships do -- just look at your grand-niece! Doesn't she seem happy with her girlfriend?

Uncle Claim #5: Of course she does! But the Church won't accept her relationship!
Your Calm Response: You know what? Lots of churches will! And you know what else? The Church has never really figured out what to say about marriage. Way back in the first few centuries of Christianity, the Church actually elevated celibacy as the spiritual ideal, not marriage. Only in the medieval world and especially in the Protestant Reformation during the 16th century did Christians start to talk about marriage as a significant Christian vocation. Today, lots of churches recognize same-sex relationships as a blessing just like heterosexual couples are. But right now, dear uncle, don't you think the most important thing is to make my daughter and her girlfriend feel welcome here, in our family?

Your holiday conversation probably won't go exactly like that. But here's the most important thing: religion is supposed to draw us together, create community, and deepen our love for one another. You love your uncle, and you love your lesbian daughter. Religion should never force you to choose between them. That's the good news of religion this holiday season: God loves LGBT people just as much as your beloved uncle. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

THANK YOU JANE NOSEWORTHY and HUFFINGTON POST!!!

The defining moment of my Christmas...

There were so many defining moments of this years Christmas...

The family being together.
Justin and I in our first home together with a chance to start some of our own traditions.
The energy of the kids getting so excited to open up the presents.
The excitement of presents that were a hit.

The tears of presenting Blaine with the Bible that Doug had given me. I told him that this was something that was very special to me, given to me by my own godfather, and it was time to pass it along to him. Let's just say that I was kinda blubbering a bit (no shocker here) and Blaine was the true trooper saying that he would save it to open at home on Christmas morning. He even told his Momma that the present he had placed in her purse was something very special to Uncle Brandon and that he had put it in there to save for opening later. Made me feel really really great!

The candlelight service at church...you know, like I said last year, cannot make it through Silent Night without tears. It is the flood of thoughts of Christmases past, the thoughts of loved ones gone, in combo with the candlelight and the beautiful music. Was really beautiful and moving.
No it was truly not these wonderful moments that defined my Christmas this year.

No, it happened to be a Christmas card I had received from my cousin up in northern Minnesota that I happened to open right before I left for the folk's house for preparation for dinner. I only hear from them once a year, at Christmastime, and maybe see them once a year as well. I kinda thought something was odd this year with the card coming from them addressed only to me. The card was ordinary, no picture from their eventful year, handwritten which I cannot figure out how people do that for every card. I had given that up years ago, opting for form letter format, and get quite the razzing for.

No this card also included a typed message from this particular cousin stating that she had continued to read all of my past Christmas letters and because of a comment in this year's Christmas letter concerning the rights of all Americans to have equal and same rights for all, including marriage or civil unions or what have you, she felt the need to finally respond. What followed was a conglomeration of Bible verses, how the lifestyle I "chose" was wrong in the eye's of God and was clearly stated in the Bible, how Justin is probably a good person, but that she was drawing some sort of a line. What she went on to state was that she would always love me as we are family, but that she basically did not accept me for who I truly am. How my own actions were, in God's eyes, punishable by death and a true sentence to hell, as was stated in the Bible. How sad that she chose Christmas Day to unleash this. I am not sure what her true intentions actually were for writing a letter of this sort??

With tears welling up in my eyes, I had to have my very own Emma Thompson moment from the movie "Love Actually", somehow trying to pull myself together, and get over to the folk's house and be with my family. How was I supposed to hide this one on my face? Enter the Joni Mitchell music here if you would like.

How could someone who considers herself family feel that this was the appropriate time to say anything of this caliber? So much hate disguised as familial love. So much Biblical babble. I had been actually expecting this for quite sometime, but truth be known, I had expected it from her mother, my aunt. I did not think that it would come from this cousin. Surprise of all surprises.

How could she look at me and not even "know" me? Her ignorance saddens me most of all. Most people have known for years, some even before I knew my own self. How could she be that blind and not see, or upon reflection, realize that this has been my true calling in life? I feel I am only following the path that God had set me towards all my life. I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was not that masculine, hunter, farmer, gatherer the entire family in Northern Minnesota was. I was, and continue to be, the nurturer, crafter, artsy family member and always sat with the women during family get togethers as this was where I felt more comfortable. I never hunted, never wanted to talk fishing, know next to nothing about cars...how is it that I would not come to this realization and live the life I was truly meant to live? I could go on with all the other realizations, but that would be ridiculous and sound like a broken record. And am I to ignore this side of me? SERIOUSLY?

I struggle very much with what the Bible teaches. I have all my life, as one could imagine. I use Jesus's life as a model for my own, as much as I possibly can. Never once does He point out that you are to hate certain people, exclude certain people, but you are to love your fellow man and treat them as you yourself would wish to be treated. Never once does Jesus state this and in fact embraces his fellow man and treats the downtrodden with decency and provide healing power to all people.

I pray for inner peace every night. I pray for my family's health and happiness and pray for inner guidance. I pray for my friends and for Justin. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for Jesus to show me the way. This was my prayer, with tears streaming down my face, in the candlelight of the church service, with Silent Night ringing throughout the space. And a soft voice said in my head and began to get louder and louder, over and over...just say "I forgive you" and move on.

So that is what I am going to do...after the sting has gone down a bit, I will write her a little note, thanking her for her Christmas card, saying always good to hear from you, state that I am saddened at the time frame she chose to reveal her thoughts, defining my Christmas with tears, that it also saddens me that she does not truly know me, that the Christ I follow encouraged me to say, " I forgive You".

And I do forgive her. Sadly I cannot forget, but I most certainly can forgive.

What also is so eye opening to me is the love that I do feel from other family members, even members of the same family as these two women. How odd that views are so different. It is these supportive family members that I am blessed and thankful for....their love and support continues, even if they truly do not fully understand. But yet they can see how happy, how comfortable I finally am within my own skin, how blessed I have to have found someone who loves me for who I am. And some have even said that when Justin and I do decide to have a commitment ceremony to count them in. These are the moments that soften the sting of ignorance.

God is Crying today...

So I am watching The View this morning. A section of Hot Topics comes on and Barbara Walters reveals that yesterday her hairstylist was married to his longtime partner in a small ceremony at the Justice of the Peace. With the recent passage of same-sex marriage in New York State, it is now legal to be able to marry your partner, unlike a majority of the rest of the states in this country of ours, where all men are created equal. (insert sarcasm, if you would like)

One of the things the man then said was that Barbara's driver made a few comments while driving them to the courthouse, including the comment, " God is crying today," as the groom got out of the car. SERIOUSLY??? The discussion then turned to the fact that if the driver was being paid for performing his job, he needed to keep his opinions to himself.

What I find repulsive about that comment is that in thinking about the recent fiasco involving the Kardashian clan pulling the publicity stunt they pulled, spending frivolous amounts of disgusting money on a wedding that was so opulent and over the top, it was an absolute circus only to end in divorce. I weep.

And in the state of Minnesota, the land where gay people continue their struggle for equality and marriage rights, the gay community issued an apology for helping to ruin a marriage of a Senate leader, who was opposed to gay rights to marriage and commitment. It stated, "The gay and lesbian community of Minnesota has issued a letter of apology to recently resigned Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch for ruining the institution of marriage and causing her to stray from her husband and engage in an 'inappropriate relationship.'"

"On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community's successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage," reads the letter from John Medeiros. "We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry."

"The letter comes on the heels of Koch's own apology, released yesterday, in which she expressed her deep regret for "engaging in a relationship with a Senate staffer." Although the letter did not specify the identity of the other participant in the "inappropriate relationship," it is widely rumored to be former communications chief Michael Brodkorb, who lost several positions with the GOP in the wake of the scandal. Koch, Brodkorb, and their fellow Republicans campaigned this year to put a constitutional amendment on next year's ballot to define marriage as the union between a man and a woman, thus forbidding gay marriage. Sadly, the amendment comes too late to prevent Koch from straying from her own marriage." (blogs.citypages.com)

THANK YOU Blogs.citypages.com for the irony and for helping to open people's eye to just exactly why God should be crying. All eyes should be focused on the hypocrisy of people for ruining the sanctity of marriage on their very own without any help from others.

The struggle continues...

A wonderful surprise this fall...

One of the most wonderful surprises I had this fall was when one of my foreign exchange students from my first year of teaching asked on Facebook for my address. She told me she had something she needed to send me from a recent trip she had taken. My interest was peaked.

North Little Rock West Campus hosts a wide range of students from all over the world. I have had students from Brazil, from Hong Kong, from Germany, from Sweden, from Ireland, and Mexico. It is so much fun to have them in class, to hear them discuss their American adventures and views on the American culture in comparison to their own homeland, experiencing Washington DC in the fall, and also experiencing the holidays with us. They are not allowed to leave the country for the holidays nor are their relatives allowed to come over here to be with them as well. I am always in awe at how these young people can leave their comfort zones and travel thousands of miles away to a foreign country and leave their loved ones behind for such a long time. They certainly do get homesick, that's for sure.

My first year teaching, on top of all the craziness that that whole experience encompasses, I had a crew of foreign exchange students who were absolute sweethearts. Freda, Heidi, and Marie were all in my Drama 1 class. Being the brand new teacher, I decided to provide them the adventure of theatre history. We studied everything you could possibly imagine, including Asian theatre, Greek theatre, and the theatre of Elizabethan England. Looking back, it was probably too much but it was something within my comfort zone and so we went that avenue.

Marie informed me that she had a surprise to send me all the way from Germany this year. She had the chance to go and experience the GLOBE theatre firsthand and have an English adventure! She remembered my lecture on how the Globe was created and how theatre was created during the Elizabethan time period. She purchased a postcard from the Globe and decided to send it to her old Drama teacher. What a SWEET gesture!! She told me that while she was in The Globe Theatre, participating in a Shakespeare Workshop, she was thinking about my class and decided she would put a smile on my face and send me a few souvenirs!! What a WONDERFUL surprise!! And so thoughtful!!

She also included color photos of her role in her school play, "Spring Awakening" in which she had a large role. Loved hearing that she enjoys theatre so much and that in some small way, I had a part in that window opening for her to show her the possibilities of theatre. I am so proud of Marie! It is my sincerest hope that she keep going and traveling and experiencing more and more of what the arts are capable of in your lives, if you will allow it.

So very cool to have students report back and share their adventures with me. I can live vicariously through them and all their travels.

One Special Christmas Gift...

So the whole "moving into a new home" process has given me a chance to reflect on where I have been, all of the things I have accumulated over the years, and to reminisce over the things I have been given and think about the people who have left this Earth, who are special in my life and have helped to mold me into the man I am today.

One of the special gifts I received on December 25, 1977 was a pretty cool picture Bible given to me from my godfather Doug Lee and his wife, Penny. I can remember curling up on my bed, reading it before I closed my eyes at night, looking mostly at the pictures and reading different stories. I wondered at the pictures of Moses, of the Nativity, the Woman at the Well, The Crucifixion. I never really knew the function of a godfather other than to be this really cool, wonderful guy who was always good for a hug and had a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face when I came into his store. His energy was vibrant and people just wanted to be around him. His personality was electric. And I felt honored and lucky to have been blessed with such amazing spiritual guide.

What exactly is a godfather? What is his purpose? What does he do that my parents do not already do? These were the types of things I asked myself at such a young age. I would come to realize that a "godparent" was someone who agreed to be the spiritual sponsor of a newborn baby at their baptism. Someone who agreed to lead them through life, providing them spiritual guidance. To be there when their Mommy and Daddy could not be. A godmother is very much the same in equivalency to a godfather.

I have been blessed sooooooooo much by two amazing godparents. They both have lead with such strength and passion and have shown me what true Godliness is. They have led by true example and have shown me how to be the man I am today. They both sacrificed of themselves, their time, their effort, their support, freely shared their faith, their hope, and their love. They have been there through the tough times and have shown me their pride in my accomplishments, supporting me through high school, college, and beyond. How do I ever repay this nurturing love and support? I cannot...or can I?

Well in a few weeks, my nephew Blaine will be 9 years old. Where does the time go? He is growing into quite the amazing young man, filled with wonder and adventure, trying very hard to be so much like his Daddy, and maintaining the humor and sparkle of his Mommy. These two very special people asked me to be Blaine's godfather. Sure I was his uncle, but the idea of godfather seemed daunting, especially when I was, and still am, on my own journey of faith and discovery. How was I going to pull this new role off? Even when I still had so many questions of my very own to answer.

It was then that I turned to the Bible and recollected on how Doug and Debbie have guided me. How would they take on this adventure if Blaine were me? I am sure they felt pretty much the same way I did...honored but a little scared. Confused but up to the challenge. And filled with love for such a special care package from heaven. And here we are a few days away from Christmas and this little heavenly package has grown into a bundle of energy, with laughter and creativity and about to turn nine years old.

At the same time, I was asked by a dear friend and her husband to also be the godfather to another heavenly bundle of joy by the name of Will...double the blessings, double the joys, double the spiritual guide! :) Will passed away shortly before his first birthday. He was not meant to be with us as long and I am thankful for the time he and I did have together.

Christmas is a time for children to get their wishes granted. They climb into Santa's lap and ask for the things their heart's desire. I struggle so much with, "Will he like it? Is it going to come off as lame or will he really dig it?" It truly is hit or miss with Blaine. Perhaps it is his age...perhaps we like different things? Who knows...

One thing I have decided is that this year one of Blaine's gifts will be a bit of nostalgia. My godfather passed away almost 2 years ago and I found the Bible he gave me in my packed boxes. I miss Doug so very much but I do know that he is looking down from above, watching over Will, guiding me through this life even from above. He is just that kind of guy, never to shirk his responsibility. I knew immediately that this Christmas was the year that I will pass this special Bible down to Blaine. So inside on the signature page that includes the date given and names of who gave me this wonderful Bible, I placed Blaine Garrett Goodson's name and then placed a letter from me written to him that he can hold onto explaining where this Bible came from, who gave it me, how special they were to me, and how special Blaine is to me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

My biggest fear us that he will not "get it". My biggest fear is that it will fade and not be as "cool" as other gifts he receives. But this year, more so than ever, seeing how much Blaine LOVES to read, I felt it was time to pass down this heirloom, with my own personal touch and hope for the best.

The holiday season...

Sheesh it has been a long time since I have recorded a blog on here...

I apologize, but with directing Arsenic and Old Lace, the approach of the end of the semester, our huge speech tournament, entering grades, grading papers, performances, and semester tests, trying to get the musical off and running before leaving for holiday break...there just has not been that much time.

But CHRISTMAS BREAK IS HERE!!!

And do I feel ready for it!!! I am all curled up in my blanket in our office, looking at our retro Christmas tree and enjoying the peaceful feeling I have right at this very moment. To have solace and comfort and joy at this time of year is a blessing. I know that is not the case in much of the world. I am grateful for this moment.

I have to admit that my decorating adventure began back in the second week of November. I LOVE Christmas! I have really enjoyed the festive holiday spirit the trees and decorations in our home provide. The cards are already sent. It is so fun to hear from all of you and to hear how your year has progressed. We enjoy each and every card we get in the mail.

The idea of having a new house this year has also felt like such a huge accomplishment, a wonderful feeling and a blessing. Many grateful prayers have gone up for being able to afford a roof over our heads and to have the freedom to paint the walls the way we would like, do what we want, when we want, and have already thrown a few dinner parties and get togethers. It is really nice. The house smells so nice and warm and comfy and I feel like the season is going to bring recuperation from a hectic fall semester.

I need the relaxation, as do all of my cohort as well. This semester was not really a difficult one as the kids this year are a different breed. They are fairly focused, very respectful, and really fun to work with. I have really enjoyed my fall semester very much. Of course, I have that ONE class, but it seems that every teacher always has that ONE class. But I will persevere. We got a great deal accomplished. It just feels like everything was cram packed so tightly without any leeway or chance for misstep. The spring semester proves to be just as challenging.
So a break is much needed.

But you can be assured that there will be plenty of posts to get you updated. When the thoughts hit me...its my plan to get it out on here and see what you think...
Wishing you much cozy warmth where you are this week of Christmas.

Steve Jobs and the Other Side...

Halloween brings out the wicked in many folks. The zombies roam the earth. Hands push their way through the dirt of a fresh dug grave site.Morbidly, there are times when I think of death and what that moment will entail... Driving by a graveyard and think "Those lucky bastards". They get the rest they worked hard for! :)
Will it be painful?
Will it be filled with bright white light and a rush of air?
Will there be family and friends on the other side there to greet me?
Some folks speak of a white light. Some speak of a grand dark wood staircase...Victorian in nature.
Some speak of a calming familiar voice saying that they will be there to help you through to the other side.

Recently, Steve Jobs lost his earthly battle to cancer. He was able to go quietly with his family surrounding him at his bedside. One of the things that I found interesting was information in the eulogy Mr. Jobs' sister provided at his memorial when she spoke of his last moments on Earth. She mentioned that his breath became shorter and shorter. "His breath," she said, "indicated an arduous journey, some steep path, altitude." I find a parallel to this idea. What she spoke of allowed me to envision a strong climb up a steep mountainside where there are rocks and crevasses to climb over, going higher and higher. I can envision the climb getting steeper and steeper and getting closer and closer to the clouds and the bright, sunny sky pushing the oxygen out of my lungs...climbing our way past the cloud line and above the grandeur of it all and the view is the most breath taking of our lives!

She goes on to say that, "Steve was like a girl in the amount of time he spent talking about love. Love was his supreme virtue, his god of gods. He tracked and worried about the romantic lives of the people working with him." Truthfully, besides the opportunity to live our lives fully here on Earth, love is the most important thing that God gives us all the opportunity to experience, in whatever form it comes in. I have spoken numerous times on the topic of love and will allow that to stand on it own.

What I found the most moving of all was her conclusion to the eulogy. She shared his final moments, which were spent staring lovingly at his family. What scares me the most is the idea of being all alone, in the dark, and to not have a chance to tell the ones I love how much they have meant in my own life. She went on to say that somehow he looked past their shoulders, staring off into the distance at something most beautiful and was only able to say three monosyllabic words and it turned out to his final words on this Earth.

OH WOW.
OH WOW.
OH WOW.

Just beautiful.
My sincerest hope is that I can reach that mountaintop, have my family and friends there to greet me so that I too can say, "Oh WOW!"

Trying to hold on...

As you can see, there have been few blog posts recently.

Life has been fairly hectic. From school to home work, from play rehearsals after school to traveling with the Competitive Speech Team to our first tournament. From morning rehearsals to grading papers and drama tests. I am finding that the school year schedule has kicked in at last.

We open our fall play next week, 2 1/2 weeks earlier this year than last in hopes that as we get farther into the semester, we can have some breathing room. Right now there is more gasping than breathing. We had Homecoming only two and a half weeks ago and had a complete Homecoming set on that stage...to see it now is AMAZING. We have transformed the stage into a fully functional Victorian home complete with grand staircase, antique furniture (donated from all over), and draperies. Fabric covered walls, stained glass windows, and costumes that will blow your mind. I keep thinking...this is truly amazing...for a high school program to have THIS many artistic opportunities for students to express themselves, to be provided this amazing opportunity in a high school setting blows my mind. HUGE. Just plain HUGE.

One of the neat things about this year though is that there is most definitely a feel that this year is "different" than the last 2 years. I can definitely feel less agitation when I come to work. I am finding that I have found my groove when it comes to teaching. Sure there are times when I feel less prepared than others, but I also can feel that the pressure is off...from taking tests, from attending Saturday classes, from dealing with in-class observations, from the pressures of having to create EVERYTHING from scratch to fit my knowledge and syllabus. I now have files, and flash drives, and can turn to them in the drop of a hat.

We have a new faculty member in our department who has the task of going down the same road I did these last two years. I can see it in her eyes and am trying to be there for her. I completely understand how overwhelming those first two years can be...that feeling of just barely breaking the surface, sometimes feeling like you are about to sink. Thankfully, I had folks who were there to pick me up, reattach my water wings and give me the slight push I needed. Thank GOD for WATER WINGS! :)

I do however find great solace in finally having my own home. I feel great peace when I walk in the door, greeted by my partner, and can just sit down and relax. My home may not be in the best situation yet, but we truly have only been in here for about three weeks. We are still unpacking, painting, fixing, and getting things to the "way we like it". But there is a light at the end of the tunnel here as well and you can all expect pictures posted soon of the results. We are excited to share the fun things we have found and come up with in our home.

We have a few days off in the next few weeks. I count those days down...I shouldn't but I do. I think that those days are greatly earned...

Homecoming week DOPPLEGANGERS

SO last week was Homecoming week at NLRHS! It was fun to see the kids' creativity with all the of dress-up days. With all that has been going on in my life the last few weeks, there was no way I was going to be able to show my spirit by going overboard to dress up. HOWEVER, one of the days was "Dress like your Favorite Teacher" Day!!! Was very cool to have some of my students decide to dress up like me...and wondered just exactly would that look like... I think they did a great job!! Totally flattering!

This young lady texted me the night before asking what I would be wearing the next day. I told her, " Sweater, flashy tie, dark denim, and a pair of splashy socks." She then texted, " Shoes?" to which I responded, "Brown"...and the text I recieved was, "You should wear BLUE...Just Sayin" LMAO!!! She even had the two silver hoops in her ears. Not Bad!!!

And this young lady went as far as drawing in the goatee and the bright yellow socks!! Super splashy!!!

Was a fun day and then we went on to beat the opposing team 45-0 for the football game! Was the end of a great week!!

The source of all the drama from weeks passed...

Our new front door. I sign the papers hopefully tomorrow at some point. It has been a long arduous process and I find a lot of hopes and dreams placed on this pad in a sweet little cul-de-sac in Jacksonville, Arkansas. I am about to place the Welcome Mat out for each of you...

Justin is laying out the scope of what his office area will be like. It is the larger of the two guest bedrooms. I think we have decided on a Retro-styled office area, with book case, entertainment center, and a funky 50's styled metal table for a desk. Stripes on the wall like a Comic Book and his THOR and Green Lantern Movie Posters on the Wall...His own oasis, if you will, but I am sure that I will have some space in there as well...

So I am thinking...dark tile, granite countertops, and a really cool glass/ aluminum tile back splash in a blue motif. The cupboards are already updated I think...new silver handles and a done deal

We are thinking light grey/ light slate blue walls. Painting the fireplace a charcoal color and lose the curtains. (Anyone want them...they are up for grabs) Maybe some really cool STEEL grey curtains with TEAL and LIME accents. SHINY Silver lamps and yummies...AWESOME!!

I am so excited about this the most...MASTER BATH on the left...and a WALK-IN Master closet...I joked with Justin when we first saw this..."And where do you plan on putting your clothes? This will just fit!" The funny thing is that I have joked with Justin about wanting my Carrie Bradshaw moment and a "REALLY BIG CLOSET"...and DONE...

And the first thing to be thrown...this loverly piece of art that was left on the counter in the Master Bathroom. Anyone want this glorious piece of work as well?? Just sayin...you may have to fight for it!

Out of my control...

Now I do not mean to bitch and complain.


I am trying to remain positive.


I firmly believe that the positivity you throw out there will come back to you triple fold...


But buying your first home is for the birds...


And it is something that is "out of my control".


I have found myself at various stages of my life, trying so hard to be able to provide some sense of direction in my life and have allowed that to flow into the lives of those around me, feeling I could direct their life as well. Howeverm I quickly learned my lesson. A therapist, post 9/11, told me, " Now what I want you to do, Brandon, is try to direct your Dad's life for him. Right down to the most minute detail." I tried and tried to think of how to do this. I had struggled so much with his choices and the trauma of him not retiring from the military and being activated to Germany for a year, in harm's way, on foreign soil, with freakshows terrorizing our world, and being away from his family. I told Penny, "I can't do that" to which she replied, "Then why are you trying to?"

It is difficult for me to be able to direct my own life, achieving the goals I have set for myself, remaining a positive force for those around me, trying to complete the massive schedule of being a teacher, a partner, a brother, an uncle, a son. And I stumble just like many of us do...trying to make everything fit.

I was asked yesterday why I do not sing in the church choir and all I could think of was, "I have so many balls in the air and if I throw one more thing up there to try and juggle, I am going to stumble and fail miserably." Forgive the BALLS reference...but its the best visual I can provide at this time...

SO as many may know, I am in the process of buying my first home. Justin and I found this wonderful home and have been working with a realtor since the beginning of August. We have made numerous offers on different homes. The bank has been very focused and checking and double checking to make sure that all the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted. However, being new to this process, it has not been without a great deal of bumps. Closing date has been pushed back twice. Paint colors picked and getting the hopes up. Ideas for this and that. Hopes crash. And then the cracks show a bit on the inspection. Not major cracks but enough...

Seller is granted and expected to pay $240 for repairs...does not want to repair anything as he does not live in the state any longer...but states that he will just give me the $$$ at closing. CANNOT do that for an FHA loan and so if I wanted the $$$ I would have had to ask the bank to rewrite every piece of contract they had. We bowed out of that portion but still felt a little hot under the collar about it.

Not sure when to set up the appraisal inspection so close to the buyer's inspection and trying to figure out just exactly what I must fix, whether the seller needs to fix stuff, before we can schedule the appraisal... Pushed back a closing date because of it.

Thinking we had insurance...Knowing we had insurance...Cannot seem to get my agent on the phone...bank calling...I hear from both the bank and the insurance agent: I have faxed this...I have faxed that...She won't return calls...I have faxed it back...All of the sayings from everyone supposedly supposed to be organized and well-versed in the ways of home buying...and yet out of my control. I cannot control how unorganized you are. I cannot control your fax machine. I cannot control the fact that the closing date has been pushed back three times...I cannot control the seller's agent's attitude, how this is somehow my fault. I cannot control my anger at having students in my classroom looking to me to give them direction for our weekend speech tournament and I am on the phone in the middle of a conference call between the bank, the mortgage company, and my insurance company trying to figure out why it is not as easy as changing the date on the policy from the original closing date to the newest one, even if ALL the information is exactly the same...and NO I am not going to pay for insurance on something I have not closed on and should be built into a mortgage. I already am having to fork over thousands of dollars on a down payment and Earnest money...so No I will NOT do that for you...

And I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS!! I have heard from so many of you about your own trials and tribulations! Thank God for the love and support of friends and family.

What I can control is my HAPPY Attitude. The thought that we should, if all things go as planned, have keys in hand, as of tomorrow eve.

Paint colors can be mixed.

Boxes can be loaded and finally went through after three years of storage.

Memories can be sifted through.

Dishes can find a home.

I can finally set some roots.

And Justin can finally be a part of my home.

Life is good.

And all the while...I know that God put this on my plate to see just how much I would learn form this experience.

This becoming an adult is HARD! I know you catch my drift!!

A new experience...

Tonight I experienced a new adventure. Tonight Justin and I went to a brand new friend's public poetry reading. She is a published author who was asked to read some of her poetry along with a fellow published novelist, both have recently just moved to Little Rock at a local college.

It was a moving experience filled with the power of two very talented writers' words and thought processes. It was invigorating to be in the presence of such powerful words, spoken by their creators. Such moving stories and ideas being bantered about. Immersing yourself in the power of a story and the written word.

One of the ideas presented that I walked away with and wanted to share with each of you this evening was an idea of keeping a box filled with note cards. A memory box if you will. The idea is as follows: each night you fill out three note cards. On the first card you place a "writing from within". This could be an inner most thought you have had during the day. Perhaps it is something you are carrying deep within your heart, or is just in the inner most resources of your mind.

On the second card, you place a "writing from without". This is a writing on something that occurred during your day, something that occurred in the world around you. It is the outer core...what is going on around you...

On the third card, you place a "prayer" and it truly can be for anything. A prayer for guidance. A prayer for forgiveness. A prayer for whatever you wish to pray for.

Seems pretty basic, I think. and yet I think if utilized successfully, it gets you out of your head and gets what is inside your heart on the paper and places it inside a box for safe keeping. I think a journal could be just a successful or a blog. Whichever you choose, it becomes very personal and am able to search your own creative processes and put the words onto your own page of life.

How is it possible...

...that 10 years has passed?

You keep hearing that time heals everything. That you slowly will forget the sounds, the feelings dull a bit, that the moment fades and all you are left with are memories that are softer, not as crisp. You forget the smell of the air. You forget the rush and pulse of the heart beat, the feeling of light-headiness, and the sound of screams as people push their way to escape.

It all reads like a well-organized horror story.

I have blogged about this before in passed passages. One would think that it gets easier, yet it really doesn't. The day approaches and you know that the feelings will resurface, the the television is going to replay the events over and over. That CBS will play the live footage inside the buildings during their documentary 9/11. How difficult it still is to watch for me.

I have found that my friends who lived through this together with me are dealing with the same things. I have reconnected with so many of my friends from The Actor's Studio School of Drama over the years, but this year, it seemed harder to bear, more emotional. I found blog entries telling in vivid detail what they went through. I found that ten years had not softened the horror of the day. I found that my friends were all going through the same emotions, some even stating that they would be turning off the television over the weekend as it is too much. I would agree with this statement, yet I did not somehow do this. I instead turned on NBC and watched the dedications of all three memorials, seeing the pain on the families faces as they scribble the pencil over the paper, showcasing the name of their loved one. I could never ever EVER imagine the level of pain they deal with every day. Does it soften for them? Does the pain dull for them? I cannot even compare what I go through to anything they experienced.

I found it extremely difficult to stop the tears all day long. Just was completely teary. In church, asking God to help the pain pass and heal my heart. Talking with my mom, someone whose voice I was so thankful to hear on the other end, trying to get through to her once the second building fell. I remember the struggle we all had getting in contact with all of our loved ones. We had to cram into tiny school offices helping each other get through the minimal phone lines to our loved ones.

I had to leave the room when the documentary came on. I have not been able to watch it since the five year anniversary. I forced myself to watch it back then. And experienced the pain of seeing the faces of firemen who I know lost their lives. Seeing the rubble. Hearing the breaking of glass. Hearing the dull thuds as people took their lives into their own hands.

I found it difficult to explain to my students today who were first and second graders when the planes hit. I struggled through the retelling of the story of that day and the days that followed.

I tear up today. I tear up for the faces of children who have forgotten their parents faces and voices. I tear up for the children who read the names and add their personal goodbyes. I tear up for the firemen and policemen who deal with the loss of their brothers and sisters, all in the face of terror and becoming heroes. I tear up that we are no longer innocent bystanders in the world arena. I tear up at the site of "Reflecting Absence" knowing that those are the sites that so many lost their lives and cannot think of a more fitting memorial.

Yu U Nubuntu

These are words from a wonderful book I happened upon a while ago by the honorable Desmund Tutu. It covers the topic of belief and how it encapsulates the idea of recognizing the beauty, inner light in all of us and how we use this light to create a better world. A "Pay it Forward" message if you will.
I was able to share this selection with my students in our current style of beginning of class reading minutes. It's actually be quite beneficial for myself as well on a lot of levels. Not only am I able to read some amazing articles, but also am able to lead a discussion and hear where today's youthful thought processes are heading. I am revitalized! We have such amazing youth in our community and they have lots of terrific things to say.

I believe that we all have good in us.
I believe that we are all resonsible for our own actions.
I believe, as Tutu does, that if I diminish you, I in turn diminish myself. So truthfully, you are what you put out there. If you exude negativity and control, you will receive negativity and control. If you put positivity out into the universe, you will receive positivity.

I believe we have the capacity to bring about change in those around us by how we exude that positive light out from us.

Sometimes it is very hard to remember this idea with bullying running rampant through our country and fear and hatred ravaging the news.
I believe it is a mindset. Can you wake up and make the decision that today is GOING to be a GREAT day?
Can you agree to "pay it forward"?

The Power of the Arts

So a current goal we, as the North Little Rock Speech and Drama department, are working towards is a three to four minute video educating the community and our students on the power and impact the arts have on education and the world. Since Bush's ridiculous "No Child Left Behind" law was put into enforcement, the nation has been gripped into a "test score and results" mode that has forced the arts out of the classrooms across our country. It is truly a terrifying movement that most people do not realize is occurring.

Yet statistics show that students involved in arts programs (both visual & performing) are:

• More likely to STAY in their desks and not drop out and become truant. Studies show that the arts help to deter delinquent behaviour in and out of the classroom


• More likely to strengthen student's problem solving and critical thinking skills, along with boosting standardized test scores


• Helping to build a school environment that promotes goal-setting, high expectations, discipline, and academic rigor


• More likely to show a larger vocabulary, be involved in reading programs, and showed huge development in written word and comprehension.


• More likely to step outside their comfort zone and try new adventures.


• Made these students more confident and cooperative.


• Stimulates the imagination and creative aspects of their brains, while promoting critical thinking skills and cognitive development.

We have sensed a slide in the last few years...you can feel it in those involved in the higher end decision making concerning courses offered and test scores. It is scary. You can sense that the nation is screaming for higher and higher test scores. States have clamped down on how many absences students will be allowed to miss for school related activities. States are removing the arts out of classrooms to promote more and more math classes...not thinking about the fact that students CAN utilize art to creatively build their own math skills. Why would students be motivated to come to school where they are pounded day in and day out with math and science instead of having a creative outlet to learn these areas of knowledge as well? I know for a fact, you would have lost me early on. You HAVE to provide an avenue to reach those students who are not your average student...who have to be reached in a more creative level and provide them the background knowledge they require to be successful.

And what is frightening is that it is not just the arts that is being cut, but also MANY electives that help promote leadership, volunteerism, and community involvement are being removed as well. That is scary as well. Where is the lightness and fun of school if test scores and results are being crammed down their throats?

Studies show, however, a direct correlation between high involvement in arts programs, both visual and performing, and higher standardized testing scores throughout the country. Why would you remove those classes from your curriculum? Cuts are being made without discussions and at that point, it is too late, even if you come to realizations later and try to re-implement. At that point, the damage is already complete and you have lost students to the undercurrent of TEST and SCORES and RESULTS and that is just plain SAD.

The problem, I think, lies in the area of assessment. How do you assess the arts and creativity and imagination? You can't and therein lies the problem.

I would be interested to hear your own thoughts on this?

We , at NLRHS, are locating students who have graduated from our program to come back and agree to be video-taped talking about not only our program and its benefits, but also to talk about their life without arts in general. Would they be the same without freedom of expression and artistic fulfillment? Be on the lookout for it...we are super excited about the possibilities it presents. We hope that those in charge will take notice and will come to the table with ideas on how to help build our program instead of constantly making decisions that are detrimental in kids losing their passion for education, promoting more and more drop-out rates across our country.

A new YEAR begins!!!!

I have spent that last week, getting acquainted with my newest students. It always amazes me all students being to the tables. I find that this year, I feel more calm, more focused, more able to handle what comes my way. For that I am so grateful~ yet know that the time will come when the schedule will kick in, and everything will begin to roll towards hysteria. It always does.

One of the cool exercises I use with my Competitive Speech classes is an honesty circle. (I stole this from my co-worker...I just love it so much) It starts with a skein of yarn being thrown amongst members in a seated circle. The one throwing the yarn must tell the person they are throwing to one thing they like/ enjoy about that person. Upon receiving the yarn, that student must tell the group something they are working on this year or a goal they want to achieve this up coming year.

It is an event that is extremely honest, at times, and requires that we keep what is said in the honesty circle and inside my classroom walls. I love this exercise for its honesty and when it is completed, a web of hopes and dreams is created in the center of this group. It looks a great deal like a Native American Dream Catcher and I ask the students to raise or lower their yarn to show how intricate it can get. How much we depend on each other as a team, as a friend, as a human being with feelings. If even one person lets go (and I ask them to do let go), or says something hurtful, or lets another team member down, the shape and form of our creation does not stay the same and weakens. Kinda poetic and the kids love it, as do I. I then pass a scissors around the circle and the kids can cut off a piece of yarn to tie on their wrist to remind them of their hopes and goals they have set for themselves for this year.

It also serves as a great reminder for me and my own personal goals for my year.
This year I am:

• striving to continue staying organized and focused when the schedules go into hyper drive



• pushing for a community focus on arts in the classroom and opening all eyes to the power of the arts both in and out of the classroom



• staying student focused and providing a well-rounded art focused education for all students



• keeping myself open and truly listening. Being in the NOW and being present in the MOMENT. That I should take every moment in and be present in the here and now and fully invest into every situation I place myself into.



• Reminding myself that I am the energy I put into every situation. If I put energy into something, it will come back to me thrice fold.



• Just Breathe.



• Love fully and laugh hard

Kind of lofty goals but I think totally achievable. So as I look at this lime green piece of yarn on my wrist, I think these goals and push myself toward the cliff ledge knowing that as soon as I leap, that net will follow and I can experience so much more that there is store for me in this brand new year ahead!

Are YOU ready for a leap??

The Memorial becomes a Reality...

It is so difficult for me to believe that one of the defining moments of my short life time on this earth is going to be marking its tenth anniversary this year. It truly does seem like yesterday and around this time of year, the lump grows in my throat. I begin my school year with a "getting to know you" section designed for each class. And I always find that the room gets so silent when I speak of that terrifying day. Silence you can cut with a knife. Silence that looms throughout my heart when I think of that day and how it would change all of our lives.

The memorial, "Reflecting Absence" is about to open on the World Trade Center site within a few weeks. I am so pleased that they completed it and from what I can see, it is truly a fitting memorial to those who lost their lives, both on that day and in 1993 when the buildings were first bombed. It brings tears to my eyes when I see pictures of what they intend the memorial to be. Two large square wells placed into the Earth, each on the site of each of the buildings. They are surrounded by marble that contain the names of all those lost on this horrific day. Water falls down the walls into the earth, like sheets of glass, into a pool at the bottom and appear to fall like beaded curtains, looking much like falling tears...not rushing water. Extremely poetic and perfect. The memorial site itself opens on September 11, 2011 with the museum portion set to open in 2012 and contain memoriabilia from those victims as well as factual/ structural evidence from the buildings themselves.

The hurried breath does not lessen in my chest...

My heart does not hurt as much, but it still cries at times thinking about those families who lost loved ones and for a country that lost it's innocence on that dark day.

Why is it that I feel pain so fully and, at times, have to bar myself from allowing my thoughts to truly run rampant. I must shed my thoughts of free-falling and rubble-dusted nylons. I can lose myself in the thoughts of "What must have gone through their minds?" or "What those families must still go through?" and know that at every September 11th, they relive the day in their own hearts and minds, much more than I could ever imagine, tearing off that band-aid and opening that wound once again. And it makes me sad...

For them...

For the country...

For those children...

However, I do know that this year a new page will be turned and a very fitting, peaceful memorial will open. A tribute will resound throughout the land that would make any of the victims proud. Art that is designed to provide honor, remembrance, and consolation. Art that can heal the human heart. Art that can serve as a memoriam and educate those come forwards ahead of us who lived the moment.

I truly think that it is a beautiful, fitting tribute to the fallen and a place I must visit someday.

Being Enough...

So here recently I watched a repeat episode of Oprah. You all know me and my affinity for Oprah and all she talks about. There are times when I think she goes overboard but there are always tidbits of golden nuggets of AH HA moments that speak to me on a deeper level.

In an interview with Ricky Martin, he mentioned the idea of being "enough?" It really got me to wondering about being enough. Am I truly "enough" for those around me? Am I best utilizing all that God has given me to be enough for my loved ones, for my students, my co-workers, my community, as well as for me? Can I be enough to all people and maintain a sense of me and my sanity. I don't truly think I am capable of being enough, of being truly genuine, 100% of the time. I have trouble with the "juggling of my life" and where I need to be and where I have to be. I struggle with being present all of the time and I think at times come acrossed as haphazard or fake or stuck up or pissy? My mind races when the schedule gets to be overwhelming. I struggle with being focused and calming myself to listen to what my heart says and follow.

This summer has taught me so many things. Provided me with so much insight as to who I am as a partner, a teacher, a son, a brother, a co-worker, a friend, a confidante, a member of a larger community. I struggle with how much time I can give and still maintain who I am as a person, at my very core. I try to be kind, gentle, supportive, postive, and a loving person. I try to be enough to those around me. But there are times when the schedule gets to be too much, or maybe there has been that "one too many" questions that I KNOW will frustrate me and push me to the brink...and I feel that feeling of tenseness, that rush of sarcasm and restlessness and sense of "SERIOUSLY?" and then am I truly being enough or just wanting to say ENOUGH? It is in those times that I need to find that moment to pause...reconnect...pull it together.

I was asked to help support a local production going on at a local community theatre by vocal directing. I had to say no as I cannot spread myself thin and expect those nearest and dearest to my life to stay committed to me and what we have built together. Yet I know that I must reach out to a community I am new in...build our program...do community outreach... and bring the arts to the masses...but at what cost? I was frustrated by this having to say no, but I know that it would be at the cost of another aspect of my life that is more important. And for this I cannot take on another project and expect others to stay committed to me.

I struggle with focus and concentration and truly listening. I find that when I do listen, I find that God does speak to me in the quiet of my mind and tells me that I am indeed "Enough" and that no matter how much of the path gets bumpy and filled with schedules...if I pause and truly listen not only with my ears, but also with my heart, I truly find myself able to connect to what drives my core. God nudges me on and say you can do this and I am able to continue.

What exactly is "enough"? I could go into the whole dictionary definitions of the word, but that does not make for good reading. However, the loftier side of me asks the question, "How much can one sustain being enough? Where is the line and how does one know if and when you reach this point?"

I think we ALL have the capacity to do great things. We have the capacity within us to shake things up and set the trend. We have the capacity to be all things for those who need us the most. To a point. We most certainly must prioritze if we are going to be able to sustain health, heart, and home. But we also must be willing to reach out and be involved, but also to know where our boundaries are. We must be willing to pause, to stop, to listen to what Spirit is whispering in you. To hush the drones of the ratrace of life and take in the hum of your heart.

It is my sincerest wish for each of you that you find your own sense of being "Enough"...


"You have always had the power. You have always had it, my dear" ~ Glinda, the Good

Cervantes and Don Quixote MADRID

While we were in Madrid, we experienced a monument that was really wonderful to view. It was a tribute to Miguel de Cervantes, who wrote Don Quixote, which spawned the musical Man of La Mancha. Cervantes was a Spanish poet, novelist, and playwright and is credited for defining the Spanish language. It was believed that Cervantes and Shakespeare died on the same day.

Don Quixote's story is a tale of chivalry, of a search for adventures and glory, of camaraderie, of faith and at the very core...storytelling.

What a wonderful adventure!

This summer has been filled with wonderful experiences and sights. I have to pinch myself to help me feel alive and awake...did this really happen to me...a young boy who used to dream of these types of adventures. Did I really just complete a summer of adventures?? A trip north to visit family and back to leave the next day for Paris, Barcelona, and Madrid only to return to get prepared for a road trip westward to California and Vegas. Did that really all happen?

And the answer is most definitely YES and I know that God has more adventures in store for me. I am forever grateful...

Ebb and flow

Here lately, I have experienced the feeling of waves and water and in my moments of pause and reflection, I see the ebb and flow of life, my own in particular. There are times when I can see that I was struggling to make the world see what I saw, feeling the sting of the tough hurdles, and putting on a mask to hide who I truly was deep inside. It is hard to remind myself that I also have to give myself the right to relax, the right to breathe and calm myself and live my life to its absolute fullest. I have the right for good things to come to me. I have the right to feel what I feel and it is ok with God.

Many of you know that I can maintain a hectic pace. The schedule kicks in and the blood rushes to my head and I begin the pulse of this and that and struggle with the ins and outs of a busy day, week, month. I know that if I reread my journals from back when I was in my twenties, it would be filled with romantic angst, my struggles to find my Prince Charming, and to find joy while I tried to make a name for myself. These angst-ridden, "woe is me" passages of hit or misses, all the while loading my schedule and beginning my search for personal success and gain. All the while worrying what people thought of me.

I entered my thirties and found that the struggles continued and the masks got deeper and facades were put together to maintain what I wanted people to see in me. I see this in so many around me as well. We all struggle with this to differing degrees. I know that I am not alone in this.

A friend recently sent me an email that basically stated that she disagreed with the title of my blog, "Musings of a Wayward Soul". She disagreed with the use of the word "wayward" stating that I have always known what I want to do with my life and have driven myself to achieve and experience all that I could in my life. This is true. This example is correct. This is the appearance of "having it all together" all the while having an undercurrent of "What the HELL am I doing? Can I make it through this? Can I get this all done on time? Can I do all of this and remain nice and calm and friendly and treat others as I would want to be treated?"

I think we all have a certain amount of this undercurrent in each of us. It is all in how we present ourselves to those around us and try to ignore or address that wrascally inner critic, who can self sabotage ourselves in an instant. I have found that this does continue even into the adult years... we fight this inner critic whole heartedly through the awkward high school and college years, failing miserably, even going as far as to skip school reunions doubting ourselves and where we are in our lives in comparison to others. I do find that as I grow older, I do become wiser and the caring what others think becomes less and less and I focus more on the happiness of my loved ones around me as well as achieving my personal goals.

One of the things I need to work on is just going with the flow. The last two years have been filled with schedules and struggles and classes. Trying to achieve a goal and get that teacher's license. At times, I think that my students were the first to feel the pressure in my voice, to notice the agitation in my personage and aura. Funny how perceptive they are, huh? Numerous times, I had students come into my class room, on those particularly stressful days, immediately sensing that I was in a mood and mention if I was feeling ok and just seemed like I was in a bad mood.

In reflection this summer, I have decided I am going to try my hardest to breathe, to feel the ebb and flow of the a calming experiences I have had during my summer adventures and trust that the schedule will get done. I will try to maintain a calm and try not to get overwhelmed. Stay out of drama and not get involved in the pettiness that sometimes enters the ebb and flow of my life. To take the time to really "LISTEN". When the hum of the ratrace kicks in, reminding myself to take time to just "LISTEN"...to those around me...to my thoughts...to my heart. Find my inner quiet calm. To be able to say, "I cannot control that for you." when others place their expectations and observations on me as a person, where they think I need to be what I need to be doing, etc. "That does not work for me".

The schedule will not let up this year, I already know this. The difference is in how I think I need to deal with it when I feel the agitation. Remind myself to Breathe, maintain a self-awareness, to think of this moment watching the jellyfish float effortless through the calm blue water...Is there truly anything better? The life of a jelly fish? Floating though a calming environment?

Just the random thoughts of a wayward traveler in this world...trying to make his way through the race of life...

Leaving Barcelona...

So we left Barcelona and hopped on a bus for 7 1/2 hours en route to Madrid. We saw lots and lots and LOTS of landscape. We stopped in this tiny town on our way....Zaragoza, Aragon, Spain. The town was filled with history and sights. One of the most inspiring sights for me was a beautiful cathedral built in honor of the the Virgin Mary. It is known as the Basilica of our Lady of the Pillar.

According to ancient local tradition, shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, the Saint James was preaching in Spain and was completely downtrodden and thinking that the spreading of the Gospel was falling on deaf ears. Story has it that as James was praying for direction, Mary appeared to him and gave him a a small wooden statue of herself, a column of jasper, and instructed him to build a church in her honor.

This sight has seen many formations of churches on its sight. Many expansions and additions to the original structure. The most current one was begun in 1686 and was not fully completed until 1872. The entire inside is filled with gorgeous frescoes by Francisco Goya. Oh my LORD! They were absolutely breathtaking. The amazing shades of blue...like china and the sky and the raised ivory/alabaster designs...from God.

During the WWII, three bombs were dropped into this Basilica. Three bombs!!! Here is an interesting fact and something that moved me beyond words...these bombs never exploded!!! It is believed to be Divine Intervention. They have taken two of these bombs and placed them in one of the columns within the church as a reminder of God's ever present hand in all of our lives and even in the darkest of times. Just to see this alone moved me so much.

This is probably my most favorite sight in Spain. I was so moved to walk through this holiest of places. To see the gorgeous paintings and frescoes, to walk through and witness the awe-inspiring altars of gold and alabaster, the sounds of Latin floating through the air as mass is held. We even walked through the back and the organist began to play the huge pipe organ...HUGE!!!! and Core Shaking! It was AWESOME!!! Have you ever had something that shook you to your very core at the sights and sound of it? There is only one other place on Earth that I have felt this closeness and connected to God...and that was in the Badlands of North Dakota...those starry nights lying on top of a butte outside and watching the meteor showers. Being able ot reach out and touch God.

And here... at the Basilica of our Lady of the Pillar.

It was a sight I want to go back to and stay for a longer period. We just had a few moments here to experience this spiritually shaking sight and I want to go back as soon as I can. I did also purchase my first rosary here and and so grateful for this wonderful experience.

Why is it??

Why is it that when I need the sleep the most...I can't?
This week has been extremely busy and I have only been in it for two days...
But I knew that when I said that the summer vacation was over, it was OVER!!
My summer has been an ongoing adventure after adventure. Life changing adventures and awe-inspiring ones as well. From Paris to Vegas, from Fargo to Fresno...it seems like I am the world traveler.
But my life is shifting in ways that I never would have dreamed possible. Exciting and daunting adventures. Very adult adventures...

While in Vegas, I asked Justin to be my "partner-for-life". One would say we are "engaged". One would say that we are "committed". He and I will celebrate our anniversary this week...2 years together, bracing ourselves for year three! :) And the roller coaster is still as breathtaking as it was when we first had dinner together in Chili's in Rogers on my way through to go up to ND. We recently made it through a two week road trip together and did not kill each other...in fact we never argue. If that does not speak volumes and say "committed" I do not know what does!

I begin my day thinking about him. I end my night thinking about him and every moment in between. I love and adore this man with every fiber of my being and if one were to say that this was a journey I would be on two years ago, I would have denied it to your face. I firmly believe that God has lead me to be where I am, to be who I am with, and to be doing what I am doing in my life today.

The true questions lie in where do Justin and I go from here? This past Sunday, the state of New York began handing out same-sex marriage licenses and couples, who have been together for decades, have been given the right to marry and receive the benefits of marriage.
Everyone asks whether Justin and I will have a ceremony. He wants one very badly. I think he would truthfully just also want to get our families together and have a small something. I know that my friends would all want to be a part of that as well as family...so the conundrum continues. In my head it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger with white swans, men's chorus, and LIZA...thank you Sex and the City 2 for putting THAT in my head! (Justin...you can stop rolling your eyes at me)

What I grapple with is the fact that, yes we can get married in Iowa, and now New York, which is exciting, don't get me wrong. However, at some point, we return to Arkansas and that marriage is not recognized. I do not have the same rights that other people do in America. Ironically, the divorce rates in America sit at around 41% for first time marriages, 60% for second time marriages, and 71% for third marriages...which basically totals 1 out of 2 marriages are set to fail when all the numbers add up.

Daunting as these figures seem, these marriages provide each person involved a certain amount of benefits, including the right to social security and retirement should one partner pass away. Benefits like being in the same room to hold your dying spouses hand as they slip away. Being able to be a parent and have the rights should something happen.

We, as a minority, are not granted these same rights. I look at various stories around the country and well up with tears at all the hurtful, nasty things people are doing to each other all in the name if the Bible and in the name of traditional societal "norms". Sometimes it seems the courts would much rather grant custody and rights to crack heads than to provide parental/ adoption rights to a nurturing gay household.

So perhaps I am darkening a doorstep here? Maybe I just need to lighten up! See I told ya...I am lying in bed and these thoughts are just rolling and rolling and rolling...

Perhaps I should just revel in the lightness of being that my partner provides me? I have found a man I love dearly, who supports me, who nurtures me, who I can look at from across the room at a party, make eye contact, and feel those butterflies flutter and become instantly giddy. Who hooks pinkies with me while I am driving to say I love you. Hell maybe I just need to throw a Damn party next summer to celebrate our commitment to each other, have a small ceremony with family and friends and just be a trend setter. Society be damned. Make the states catch up to US for a change.

And so it goes...

My summer has abruptly come to an end...with only two weeks left before I report back to school...I ask myself, "Where did all the summer go?"

This summer is the first summer in a LONG time that I have been able to do exactly what I wanted and not have to worry about any sort of school or reporting to a job or working at all.

To all of the naysayers that chant that teachers have the easy life where they work for ten months out of the year and then get to rest and relax for two months...I say you just don't get it. Not only are you teaching up and around the likes of 180 students, but you also serve as coach, nurse, care-giver, cheerleader, mentor, structure provider, disciplinarian, entertainer, and are expected to teach bell-to-bell AND hope for the best that they learn something while trying to keep their heads up off the desk. The days are LONG...from sun-up to sun-down and so by the time summer has arrived...we have EARNED our break. My day begins at 5:30a.m, arrival at school around 6:30am, if I am directing a show or prepping for a speech tournament, I am lucky to be home around 6:30/7p.m. and then if there are papers to grade or lectures to prep, then it is a long evening with me passing myself heading to bed while getting out of bed to start it all over...so do not tell me that summers are not earned and much needed. I can completely understand why the burnout rate is so huge for teachers.

This summer has been a bountiful blessing of wonderful adventures. I will continue to blog more about my European adventures as well as the current adventures in California. Not only was I able to experience the Eiffel Tower in Paris, but I was also able to experience The Paris, in Las Vegas, and it's own version of the Eiffel Tower. Quite the sights to be assured!!!

I had lunch with a dear friend today who was telling a past student who joined us that I had had a chance to take a much needed break after working hard for 2 years to earn the title of teacher. It struck me as odd and the more I thought about this...this summer has truly been the first summer in a long time that I was able to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, and was blessed to not have to work and just enjoy my break. I have worked every summer, either performing, or in retail, or directing, or studying for tests and going through the Non-traditional Licensure Program in Arkansas. This summer, I think, was the first summer I was able to take off and just enjoy traveling. Summer is a definite perk that comes with this job and to have the opportunity to experience this wonderful land of ours through the car windows? To see the world through an airplane window, waiting in breathless anticipation of the upcoming overseas adventures?...Priceless and ones that I will NEVER forget.

And so, two weeks from today, I return back to the school for professional developments days and three weeks from today the students will walk through my doors with a new year beginning. I cannot say that I feel refreshed...perhaps this has been a summer of too much travel...but oh the stories I can tell...not only to my students and fellow teachers...but also my family and children!! And for this I am eternally grateful!