Nostalgia...the memories flood back

To say that I was overwhelmed with emotions during this concert was an understatement. That's what the holidays always bring for most of us. It was fond memories of holiday cookies at Grandma's or searching the Higdem acreage for just the right tree for my attic bedroom to put all the throw away ornaments that didn't make the cut for the tree downstairs...

If I must admit this...I still put some of those ornaments on my current trees...and they remain so special.

I got to the end of the concert and could feel those emotions washing and flooding over me. The traditions that sadly are long gone...The people who have since passed away and left us behind...
Christmas is about creating not only moments...remembering the times long ago, but also creating traditions that are new and special to us all.

But if I am really going to be honest...

The one I miss the most at Christmas is my Mom. 

She loved Christmas so much...

Christmas filled her house and heart.

All year round!

Her Santas grace my home and tree.

Her spirit lives on in each of us.

Her passion and zest for life is instilled in me.

And her Christmas is my Christmas and always will be...

And I just could not stop thinking about her as I ended this concert...

"Someday soon we all will be together,

if the Fates allow...

Until then...

We'll have to muddle through somehow"

And the emotions continue well into the future...

Just one more Christmas without her is still difficult...sometimes overwhelming...

and I just let the emotions come as they may...

honor them...

in my heart and soul. 

And continue to honor her legacy and all she has taught me.

This guy right here...

This guy right here...

The real trooper...

He had to take over the drive up because the roads just plain frightened me...

He has always been able to take over when the going got rough it seems...

It is an ongoing theme through our lives together...

I am grateful, thankful, and blessed to have an amazing father in my life. He brought and encouraged music to be in my life...even from a very young, early age. We would sing duets in church. We would play trumpet duets at family reunions.
We have always had that special blend that still gives me chills.

 It has not always been wine and roses...but whose relationships are? Am I right?

Jump back a few months...

Dad was always going to go with Justin and I to Bemidji. I just wanted Dad at this concert.
But then I was like...why am I not asking him to sing with me?

So I reached out...

And called him...

"Hey, Dad!! You wouldn't happen to have a tuxedo, would you?"

His response..."Umm I do"

"How would you like to sing with me on the Bemidji concert?"

"Oh my goodness, Brandon, that has always been a bucket list of mine...to sing with a symphony orchestra."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

So he got his chance and oh the memories that we created.
 Just chills and goosebumps...

I am so honored and grateful he said yes...

Enjoy!!!

Tapping into my holiday roots...

And I bet you thought I was talking about my BLONDE hair and the roots that are sure to be coming....
NOPE!!!!
When I was growing up, we always loved to put the classic vinyl records on the record player and listen to the Christmas favorites...

Bing Crosby

Burl Ives

Perry Como

Rosemary Clooney

Judy Garland

Frank Sinatra

The Carpenters

We would put the records on and decorate the tree in the living room, with cider on the stove, and the lights would catch me up in the spirit. Bringing out the ornaments that had been packed so delicately to hang once again on the boughs. Good food, fond memories, holiday spirit, opening presents...so many memories that bring lightness to the ole heart and a smile across my face.

Jump ahead and today we consider others to be classic Christmas...we have more performers who have dominated today's holiday music tracks...

Mariah Carey

Harry Connick, Jr.

David Koz

Michael Buble

Whitney Houston

Amy Grant

To select just 8 songs for this Symphony concert was quite a challenge. I wanted ones that were traditional like:

Winter Wonderland

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Or one of my faves:

Jingle Bells...with an Andrew Sister's style of arrangement.

What was so much fun this time around was getting the opportunity to sing with dear friends I had never gotten the chance to sing with but had always followed? adored/ admired them from afar.

One of them is the daughter of one of my dad's life long high school friends!!!!

Music brought us together for one evening of creating music together and it was such a cool gift!

Crossing more off that bucket list...

I was given the opportunity of a lifetime last week.
About a year ago, I was asked by the conductor of the Bismarck/Mandan  and Bemidji Symphony, Dr. Beverly Everett to guest solo at the Bemidji Symphony's Christmas concert. I jumped at the opportunity and went to work searching for just the right numbers I would like to sing on the evening's music.
Well, December 3rd...it happened and it was the most...
Goosebumpy.
Glorious.
Nervewracking.
Amazing.
Moving.
Cool experiences of my life.

We drove over 1000 miles to get to northern Minnesota, braving the bad icy and snowy roads...mostly my Dad, who went with...because he could navigate so much more smoothly through these types of roads as he felt much more comfortable driving on them...

The turn around was quick. We have one rehearsal Monday evening, a quick recap on Tuesday prior to performance and BOOM.

We were on.

And I loved every moment of it.

I was born 27 miles west of Bemidji in  small town named Bagley. My parents were high school sweethearts there. Both sets of grandparents lived, farmed, raised families, created amazing memories, died and are buried in the area. I still have many relatives that live in the area. My mom is buried in the area...
Of course I would leap at this opportunity.

And of course...there is no place like being home for the holidays...

The memories just washed over me.

Of Christmases long past...

I had not been back for the Christmas season since my grandparents had still been alive and that was a long time...

And I am so grateful for this opportunity...

Sharing more soon!

How's that working for you?

Stuck in a rut?

Feel like the mouse in the spinning wheel and just running and running and running and running and running and going absolutely nowhere?

Saying over and over that you are gonna tackle that next hurdle?

Procrastination Station?

Reaching out to those around you seeking advice and then not taking the feedback to heart?

I think a very important reflective question we need to ask is the above...

And sadly, Dr Phil beat me to it... but...

How's that working out for you?

Sometimes it is just important to PAUSE.

Take a deep breath.

And reflect on how everything is going...

Make adjustments and changes accordingly...

And sadly...

It's all about life choices.

Choosing one thing will limit or define other aspects of life...and vice versa

and the hard part is this friends...

We do have to choose.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Because even NOT choosing...

Is a Choice.

But making the choice to change is a huge turning point

And inspiring.

And scary.

And numbing.

And exhausting.

AND AMAZING.

But if something is not working in your life, you have to take the risk, and say to yourself...

This is not working for me.

How do I fix this?

Deciding to do what actually will work for you takes inner strength, where-with-all, and courage.

And as my husband says, "Not sticking your head in the sand and thinking that it will all pass."

It won't.

It will just get pushed aside only to come back later with a vengeance.

Getting out of your comfort zone is also something scary but can bring great benefits!! And take you down a path you may not have even known was there!

Thinking outside the Box -pun intended-is always scary yet when you get to the other side and look back on your journey, it truly can be awe-inspiring...

and liberating.

and bring you great joy.

And friends...

It's not all wine and roses.

I know this...

But perhaps it is time to think through those next steps.

Perhaps it is time.

I can feel a new adventure beginning...

Not sure what it all means...

But I am going at this...

with new eyes.

with an open heart.

and open to the possibilities.

Unapologetic

The older I get, the more ballsy I become...
The older I get the more in awe I get of various things that catch my eye...
The older I get the more emotional I get...
The older I get the more confident I become and the more I look at my past and just shake my head.
Why I allowed myself to carry that along with me?
Why I allowed others to have so much power to define my life?
Why I debilitated myself towards shame and timidity and self-loathing and doubt and grief and growth and heart...
But I also have learned to embrace the idea that I am getting too old to put up with nonsense...
There are things I refuse to apologize for...
I refuse to apologize for who I love. I love Justin Box-Higdem with all my heart. Yes he is a man. Yes I am man. Now if you can't deal with that...go elsewhere...or I will...
I refuse to apologize for pursuing my bucket list and my dreams.
I refuse to allow someone else to unleash their jaded views of how they see the world to force me to define my own world according to them. I won't do it.
I refuse to allow negativity to have a place in my life...for too long...
I refuse to do anything that isn't thoughtful, that isn't building my creativity, that isn't allowing me freedom of expression...or my students.

Here's what I will do:
I will ALWAYS fight for the underdog.
And I will always bring a shoulder to lean on to the discussion.
I will ALWAYS try to listen with an open mind and heart.
Before I speak.
I will continue to ground myself and breathe.
I will love with my whole heart and live this live this life as it was meant to be lived...
FULLY
DEEPLY
CREATIVELY
And with the eyes of a child and the heart and soul of a man.

Amen

Find your inner superhero

For those of you who know my husband, you know that he has an amazing knowledge of comic books, video games, and super heroes. Over our 11 years together, he has hooked me in so the movies and leaves me in awe every time he goes into the chronoligical order of how each superhero came to be, and the adventures they each faced, and how they died. I even know that all I have to do is say the words, "The movie LOGAN sucked." and it gets and immediate response.
I have always been intrigued as to why superrheroes, other than the bulging muscles and the hot, tight pants and cape. You knew I had to go there, friends, right? But why are we so intrigued by super human power. By the need to be saved. The concepts that these superheroes possess and what would happen if we could indeed fly and perform super heroic acts to save the world.

I think it is important to look at some of the attributes super heroes possess and perhaps see a need to dig deeper to include these in our day-to-day lives? Just a thought...

The first is strength. 

Super human or not.

Digging deep to find the strength to get through the tough times. To know that you CAN do this with or without someone's approval or assistance. Knowing that you have within you the strength to face any hurdle, as hard as it might seem and will emerge on the other side a different human. And that it is okay.

The second is Believing in YOURSELF.

No one else can do this for you.

You have to figure out the way and trust yourself to get there.

Super heroes always find a way to beat their villain enemies, no matter how strong they are, or what ungodly monstrosity of weapon they bring, the super hero is always the one standing in the end and they don't doubt that that will be the end outcome.

Failure is not an option.

The world is depending on you.

The third is discipline and perseverance.

Knowing that in order to get the goal accomplished, 

you have to have the drive, the guts, the know-how to take the first step forward and the perseverance to keep walking forward one step at a time.

Setting the goal out in front of you and taking the first step.

and the second.

and the third.

and onward and upward.

And last, is a network of superhero friends who assist you in the end goal.

Remember that you are not alone in this adventure.

That you so have friends who support you in your journey and that they have lots of powers and connections to guide you in your own battle or life's race.

And that it is not a sign of weakness, this learning how to work together to achieve a common goal.

You have to learn to embrace your inner superhero.

Don't allow it to encompass you however, you have to find that balance.

Oh and don't forget a fabulous costume.

With some tight pants.

And a cape.

And some hot red high heeled go go boots.

And maybe a mask...

Too far?

NAH.

Coming home

I have spent the last few days working and then left for Minnesota to spend some time with the family before I head to Bismarck to sing with the Bismarck/Mandan Symphony for their 4th of July concert on the Capitol Steps.
This trip has been restful. I have slept so soundly. I don't sleep like this when school is in session, thats for sure.
On the way up to Minnesota, I listened to one of my podcasts, The Good Life Podcast, featuring an interview with Nadia Bolz-Weber. She recently just released a powerful book that I devoured. It is called Shameless: A Sexual Revolution. If you have ever been treated like you were less. That you were headed for fire and brimstone because of who you love. If you have ever been sexually mistreated, this is the book for you. It's for those who feel lost from the idea of RELIGION. Have turned their backs because religion mistreated them, misused them, or hurt and beat them down all in the name of God and the Bible.
For those of you who follow Bolz-Weber, read her books, listen to her on podcasts, or just admire what she has to say about religion, she is quite the pot stirrer. But you know what? It is ABOUT TIME!!!!! For those of us who have lived in the face of religion feeling less than, being called less than, and basically destined for hell because of who we love, can you imagine the amount of shame and despair that brings to so many of us in the LGBTQ community?
One of the most beautiful chapters from the book talks about the fact that the one area the Bible gets it right from is the Gospels. Everything else pools out from there like a rock thrown into the water and ripple pools out from that spot. Jesus profoundly tells us to love one another and to live a life of love. No homosexuality. No gloom and doom. Just love. And he sets a strong example in all of this. The closer a book of the Bible falls to the gospels, the more impact it should have...the farther away form the gospels...the less impact...

BUH-BYE Leviticus...you were a VERY messy guest...but the invitation has been rescinded.

For those of us raised in religion, deeply into the fire and brimstone eras of the church, or perhaps the awful chapter of Catholic priests and sexual assault. The Bible misused. The power misused. The teachings misstated or interpreted for one person...if you are not white, not male, not straight...you have no hope according to today's church landscape...Perhaps we need to re-look at religion and what role we are going to allow it to have in our lives moving forward. Listen, if you are not there, you are NOT THERE. If you have been so hurt by organized religion, it is okay to shut that door. I firmly believe that.

But if you feel lost by this and long for some sense of spiritual direction, Bolz-Weber blew my mind by saying, " It's like coming home. Coming home to religion, but you get to decide how you will decorate the house." I love this concept. It speaks to my core. 

MIND BLOWN!!!!!

We are all made in God's image. He does not create trash and waste. He creates beauty. He creates love. He creates someone to love for everyone and creates a world we can all experience. She goes on to say that our sexuality is at odds with our spirituality. We have to believe that God did not create sex to be shameful, to be considered dirty, to be considered WRONG. Man did that and placed it into the Bible's pages under the guise of God's word...We are finding in today's research that were here all along and MAN did not want to allow. Homosexuality has been in the animal world for so long...GOD FORBID that other men should feel that way towards other men...It just ain't right...
WRONG.

Believe me, this is an ongoing struggle that I am coming to terms with. It has been a LONG battle uphill and back on this...
But through grace, and through a strong belief in a loving God, who gave us his strongest example to live each of our lives through, and how to do it through these examples...I firmly believe I am on the right path.

And I refuse to look backwards.
Get out of my way world, this house is coming through...

Try less hard.

Struggling to find your creativity?
I have been listening to my favorite podcasts and reading good books.
There is a common thread statement in regards to creativity that I think is very important to remember.
One of my favorite all-time comedians, Eddie Izzard, once said, "There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place, than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity."
And this has really blown my thought on my life journey. My entire upbringing was led by strong, vibrant examples of showing that hard work really pays off. My mom and dad. My grandparents. My strong examples growing up and teaching me that you have to work hard to get what you want out of life. You have to fight for everything to make it in this world. And I worked hard to get those A's on my report card...and there was money attached to each of those A' as a bonus form my grandparents. I worked hard to build my resume so that I could feel justified as a theater director and actor and to justify my career in the arts for my family. That I was indeed talented, and creative, and could make a living doing what I loved. And you know what I got out of this?
Stellar success and accolades and admiration and zero true happiness inside. Just more work and drive and more stress and more headaches. I was miserable. I was not able to relish in my accomplishments, because I was on to the next hurdle. I was longing for true love. Where was my Prince Charming...yet oblivious to the fact that my schedule was so cram packed that I couldn't even find the glass slipper much less try it on to see if it fit.
But my friends, what if there was another thought process that works also?
As I research different topics for this blog, as well as for a fall conference I am hosting this fall in Little Rock for all of Arkansas' speech, theater, dance, Forensics, and Debate instructors, I am finding such interesting concepts that I just need to admit...I wanna try out and see if they works...

From the website, Positively Perfect, the reader is encouraged to try to just let everything go and see what comes back to you. What if, instead of pushing and pulling and struggling and grinding our way through this racetrack of life, we just plain decided to let it go and were willing to allow life to just happen, surrendering our freak control aspects of our life and just let a bigger thing control...A Let Go, Let God type of mentality. What would happen?

I can tell you what my brain is actually doing right now just typing this statement...it is saying WTF??????
"You have been a control freak for most of your life and tried to chart your own course for so long, how in the heck are you gonna navigate through this?" I come at this naturally and am not going to say any more or name names, for fear of egg on my face.

Often times, I have read, if you are willing to give up the reins, the universe does take over and leads you into new directions. I have also found that this is not a complete handover. Articles have said that you are not to be ambivalent and just allow whatever comes your way. It is important to find the happy medium, I think. It is definitely okay to have goals and dreams and hopes for what you want to achieve in this world. You just have to find the happy medium. Positively Perfect states, "The trick is that we need to find the balance between effort and ease."

Dr. Bethany Butzer, in her article Stop Trying So Hard" states, " I push and push and push and feel like a fish going upstream and I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. The trick is that I have become accustomed to catching myself. It is time to switch gears, go with the current, and go downstream... and it is during those times that I turn to yoga, meditation, or getting outside into nature, one day at a time that I'm learning how to surrender my life to a power greater than myself and trust that I will always be guided in the right direction."

She continues, "This next week, I encourage you to let go of the wheel and experiment with divine cruise control."

Many times, the sheer grip of our control buttons and grip of our life's steering wheel is the exact problem, friends. You gotta let go of the tension and loosen your grip on things and know that you will not be let down. Many times, trying to force your car in the "RIGHT" direction gets in the way. Perhaps it gets in the way of what is best for us? Perhaps it gets in the way of a better outcome that we didn't even know was there? Perhaps it steers us in a different direction that was there all along but we were blinded to seeing because of our tunnel vision?

Friends, there are forces greater than what we can ever imagine there to support us and lift us up or turn our heads and say...Perhaps you should try this way?

And that is okay.
That is letting go and letting God, or whatever spiritual presence you believe in.

And you know what, I am gonna give this a try and get back to you.
I think this is amazing...

The other prayer...

A day of gratitude

and gentle reminders...

Thankful for reminders that I could use every once in awhile...

How many times do I beat myself up for trying to always reach perfection?

Achieving those preconceived notions of what I think others expect of me...

See the trouble with the above statement...

PRECONCEIVED and not realistic.

WHAT I THINK OTHER EXPECT OF ME...

Not realistic either.

Take a moment.

Breathe.

DEEP breaths.

Count to ten and remind yourself...

You are here.

For refocusing, for working towards a better you.

A better human being.

Once you are okay and comfortable  in your own skin is only when you can be there for those around you who need you.

Working towards a better, fuller you.

Perhaps there is something in the idea of finding the COURAGE to FORGIVE myself.

Courage to acknowledge the SHAME I feel at times...

In myself.

In my heart.

My body.

In my spirit.

Brought on by religious upbringing.

Brought on by family.

Brought on by friends.

Brought on by society.

How do you deal with heavy shame?

Navigation sometimes is extremely difficult.

I am continuing moments of great growth inside.

I am trying to navigate through this all...

With grace.

With softness.

But also honor.

And breath.

This prayer will be my mantra.

That's life, folks!!!!!!

I am reflective on this day...

Always tend to be as I get closer to my birthday.

I found this photo on a Facebook page of a friend and the bells and whistles just kept going off.

Isn't this true?

It covers the full gamut of life and all its messiness, it's beauty, it's grandeur, it's awful dark nature.

But, as it says, you have to keep going...reading every line, filling each moment as fully as possible. 

I firmly believe, as I reflect on my soon to be 47th birthday, that everything was placed there for a divine reason. Every hurdle. Every accomplishment. Every smile. Every heartbreak.

Building us both within and outside of ourselves for a bigger purpose.

And we have to honor that.

I have found stronger patience in my 47 years.

I find that I breathe differently.

I find that I approach things so differently these days than I did in my 20's.

You know, if I was given an opportunity to speak to my 20 year old self, I would say...

Keep on the course you are going.

Keep the fast pace.

Be kinder to yourself on life and love.

Because you are going to reach the tender age of 47 and think...

WOAH

 that was fast...

but oh so glorious!

And in the words of the immortal

AEROSMITH

"I don't wanna miss a thing!"

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Friends...
Mark Manson is my spirit animal...He wrote this amazingly empowering book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK." And it is everything...he covers so many life lessons to be learned...but beware...the language is not for the faint of heart...but perhaps that's the point he is trying to make?
The ability to say what needs to be said, without filter, and drive it home.
I wish I could be more like him but I was raised with a filter under the guise of "MORALS" or upbringing... Perhaps it was under the rose colored glasses of Christianity. Perhaps it is my passive aggressiveness...
Perhaps it is something else...not sure. Too many reasons...

Yet I look at my life and all I see is this damn filter.
What if we could live life without a filter?

I am constantly trying to remind myself of everything I tell my kiddos to do...
Don't live your life in a shoulda, coulda, woulda situation. Don't live your life reserved and inside the parameters of what someone else expects of you.
Splash some color on it and get out there and don't give a flippin' care about what others think.
Living MY life as I dream...
Live life to its fullest potential.

And yet...

The older I get, the more I find solace in the same schedule.
The same comfort food.
The same music.
The same.
The same.
The SAME.
And there is great solace in that. It gets harder and harder to step outside that comfort zone and I quickly become hypocritical on so many levels.
And I have to remind myself...
NO.

Live the good life.
Fight the good fight.
And take the bumps and bruises with a grain of salt and look for the reasons to grow.
Growth is hard.
Growth is scary.
Growth is what we HAVE TO DO in order to remain creative, remain true, remain breathless.
Find the positive in every negative situation, because it is always there
Feel the goosebumps.
Do the things that take your breath away
And live the life you are destined to live.
With every challenge.
With every crazy situation.
And with great amounts of color on that canvas!

A thought to grow from...

As I was driving to school this morning, the song "Love Wins" came on by Carrie Underwood and it just got me to thinking...

This world is so scary right now.
Hatred is allowed (and supported) to thrive.

Guns are being used to kill our children in our nation's schools. Never have I ever been able to get used to having to facilitate fire drills, tornado drills, and "active shooter" drills...My how things have changed... The spike in gun shootings in America's schools has escalated and most people "Sending love and prayers" rather than doing something about it. And folks are NOT LISTENING. What horrifies me is that students had to live through heinous acts in their own safe zone classrooms, trying to speak up and begin the conversation on how to end the bloodshed and then are labeled "Heathens." "Activist" "Immature" rather than HEROIC and MOTIVATED and MATURE and heralded.

White supremacists and hate groups grow and grow and grow with no sign of ending. And it seems that our Presidential administration has given them justification for their voice. His election rallies set the tone 3 years ago and I dread the upcoming circus we are most certain to have.

Folks...
It is time.

Underwood's lyrics correctly state" How the hell it's ever come to this?"

It is time to emulate LOVE and RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING.

And truth comes through...we are not going to be able to do this all by ourselves. We have to figure out how to speak our minds, but also to listen. Every point is important but we also have to understand that we can't continue like this and expect survival. As her lyrics continued, " Sometimes it takes a lot of faith to keep believing there will come a day when the tears and sadness, the pain and hate, this struggle, this madness, will fade away."

Just keep loving folks.
Loving each other.
Give someone you pass on the street or down the hall a smile today.
It's important.

I do firmly believe that Love Will Win in the end...
but we have such a long way to go sadly

Always looking for the approval of others? WHY?

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh friends!!!!

This is me to a TEE!!!

I have always been a people pleaser, almost to a fault.
I have spent years upon years upon years attempting to make my parents proud...
my grandparents proud...
friends proud...
And always knowing that I need to be there for others...
Who may or may not be there for me in return.
And forgetting the importance of finding a strong sense of self.

Here is what I am learning about myself...
People pleasers have an incredibly strong desire for approval and validation from others and very well may be totally insecure in their own various relationships.  Results? They tend to conform to decisions or aspects that they may not necessarily agree with. Most of all, people pleasers attempt to give out all the airplane oxygen masks before putting on their own first...nourishing others and depleting yourself at a major cost.

This description was totally me until the warning flags went off in my head. Perhaps it was age. Perhaps I still have more to learn about this and am still deep in the trenches of this aspect of my personality. This strong desire for approval still haunts me. I work so hard to make sure the job I am doing not only is to the quality I expect, but also that it will make those close to me proud, Those I respect and admire proud, or those in charge of the experience okay with the job I have done. And it is usually comes at a great cost to me personally and lessens the accomplishments.

Heads up...totally honest moment...I am in a transitional part of my life...I think it has alot to do with my age, my view of my life, and who I want to be versus where I saw myself years ago at this point in my life. I am realizing that fundamentally at my core, I have always had a strong insecure sense of self...I always have. I have never been fond of the bean pole frame I had when growing up. NEVER took my shirt off...in fact HATED it. I considered myself weaker to the other guys around me. Weaker and not very athletic. Hated all things sports. And just plain considered myself weak... to be honest...I have carried this with me all of my life...

One particular moment is emblazoned on my heart and memories. I was in Boy Scouts growing up and kinda liked it? I was in it for my father if I am going to be honest. Transferred out to join show choir and theater later on. SHOCKER. We were all over at a fellow scout's house and just completed the meeting and were outside playing. It was suggested that we play basketball. I melted down a bit as I did not want to play basketball. My dad was embarrassed, I think, and scolded me and forced me to play...it was then decided that we would be playing "shirts versus skins". The concept or possibility of me having to take my shirt off to play this game I did not want to play was too much and I melted down even farther. My dad was pissed!!! I did not want to be there. I was weaker than the other boys and definitely not as popular as they were...and skinnier than they were...perhaps learning that I was attracted to them as well and afraid of what all that entailed and in denial...and of course, throw in the hormones of growing up...along with dealing with my coming out process and all that entails...and it messed me up.

Why were the popular boys always more confident? Stronger? Beefier and agressive and at times crueler...More out of my league...And I was just gawky, awkward, artistic, creative, and just weaker in general as I was growing and growing and growing and not comfortable in who I was as a human being on this planet.

I have carried this with me for many years. It was too much and have never had enough belief in myself...my strength, my ability to navigate through life with this strength. It has always been a challenge.

The true challenge ahead of me is the deal with the feelings and emotions of my past, find a stronger sense of my self, and learn to be even better at setting up my own personal boundaries. Set expectations for myself, try not to pay much importance to other's expectations or perceived expectations (a big issue for me), and ignore judgement or perceived judgement. Chart my own course, set boundaries,  and give the importance of my time and effort and friendship to those I love.

I am working on myself and building myself up physically, thanks to my husband. I am working out and trying to feel better about my body and just about me in general. I force myself to get up every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 4:45 am and go work out with a personal trainer. It is the only way I can motivate myself to stay in it. I have had the gym memberships in the past purely out of self guilt and not always liking what I see in the mirror.  I still don't if I am going to be particularly honest with you. However, as RuPaul always says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" And I am jumping up and down over here in the corner screaming AMEN!!!!!!

Justin is in workout mode to build lots and lot of muscle...I am just trying to lose weight and grow to like who I see in the mirror every morning. I need to build my own strength in myself and my sense of self, not only for myself, but also for Justin. He pushes me, in all the best ways, to become a better version of myself and always has. I am forever grateful to him for it all.

This sounds selfish and perhaps it is on some levels...however I am also learning it is okay to say "no". I am learning that I have to make sure that my priorities are clear and consistent...I have trouble with this...I need to learn to be more assertive and speak my mind if I don't agree with something.

Always learning, friends...even with a pending 48th birthday...
Where did those years go?

A performance...and my life's mantra

I was asked to perform for a fundraiser event last weekend to raise money for a cause and theater I hold near and dear to my heart. The evening was created to raise money for their summer theater camp, their continuing adult theater class education, and for the ability to bring children into the theater during the school year, to see their current production, have a Q&A with the cast, and have lunch provided. They raised $17,000 for continuing education in the arts and I could not be more proud to have been asked to perform!

The evening was amazing and wonderful to be able to reconnect with a role from a show that meant the world to me and to so many others. It was so terrific to be able to spend time with folks who have become family and to share an evening with so much talent and passion for a craft we all partake in.

What moved me even more was the chance to revisit a song that has defined my life since I left the role. I had forgotten a little about the depth these lyrics truly have...a MANTRA for living your life, no matter what your sexuality, religion, life path, or truth.
You have ONE LIFE.
NO RETURN.
NO DEPOSIT.
SO it is time to open up your closet and get out there and accept who you are, who others are, and grow from there. Accept others for who they are and live life to your fullest potential!
It has rejuvenated my course. Enlivened my passion to work hard tearing down the walls of ignorance and show that LOVE and LIVING TRUTHFULLY is all that matters.

Can we love the sinner and hate the sin?

Is this a fair statement?
Are we actually capable of doing this?

As Christians, this phrase is hurled around so much lately to get them out of a uncomfortable conversation. Gandhi in his autobiography, brought a discussion of this phrase to the forefront. He writes, "Hate the sin and not the sinner  is a precept which, though easy to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why poison of hatred spreads throughout the world." Gandhi argues that using this phrase is an excuse to judge another person because it cannot be effectively practiced.

And friends, this phrase has been used on me numerous times and I just cannot put up with it any longer.
From friends.
From folks I considered close family.
And it just brings such churl and bile to my stomach.

Lest we forget...We are ALL SINNERS. We ALL have things that we are going to have to account for when we kneel before the throne of God. The phrase is FILLED with judgement, filled with contempt on life "choices" and courses...which are now falsehoods.

This phrase presents actually a strong division. A division between those who are labeled sinners and those who have deemed themselves not sinful, but truthfully, this phrase is an easy out for those who consider themselves devout Christians. An out for a difficult conversation about sin. An out for those who forget about Jesus' life purpose...to love even the darkest of sinner, to love your neighbor as yourself, and to live a life filled with love for your fellow man. Even the statement itself pales and reveals the fact that it is okay to HATE the sin. Perhaps we should all embrace the fact that we are all sinners, we are all guilty of breaking the rules? 1 Peter 4:8 states: "Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins."

My life's mantra has always been that of wearing love for your fellow man everywhere you go to everyone you meet. Love. LOVE. LOVE.

Hate is so prevalent in our country these days. And nowhere is it more prevalent that towards the queer population. LGBTQ community members have been forced to move away from organized religion because of this very statement and for that I am saddened. I am not going to hold back any longer...We have seen a movement in the last few years, under this divisive Presidential administration that it is okay to fling hate left and right and that this action, deemed by our illustrious President, as something that is okay or supported. Christians left and right are hypcritically turning a blind eye to what this administration is doing, breaking down the rights of my community and we are supposed to sit idly by and say it's okay? All under the name and guise of Christian ethics and standards?

I say NO. 

"Religious Freedom" has been thrown around here lately in the press and from this administration. Every religion, according to our forefathers, is welcome in this country. Whether it is that you are Muslim, Jewish, or Atheist, or a Satan worshipper or Christian, whether you are gay, straight, or transgender, black or white, immigrant or natural born, our forefathers intended that you are welcome here in this country. But what folks don't seem to understand is that this whole "Religious Freedom" movement we are seeing is a movement to discriminate against the LGBTQ population and this administration, under the divisive eye of both the President AND Vice President, is guilty of its promotion. And should we be surprised? Just look at Pence's track record during his tenure as Governor of the state of Indiana, where he supported discriminatory bills towards the LGBTQ community, including conversion therapy, which has now been proven as HORRIBLE. Give Boy Erased a read or watch the movie and then we can discuss.

Folks, there is a very clear separation between church and state in this country and when a supposed belief in God is used to discriminate against others in this country and that this is OK to some in this country, I have a real problem with that. It creates a "You are not equal to me, because you love another man." "YOU are not equal to me because another woman has stolen your heart." "You are less than me because of who you choose to love"

Yet we are all created equal according to our forefathers who created this country.
You see the problem?
It is discrimination.

Just this very semester, one of my children was forced to stop competing with a piece, that was very CLEARLY a competitive piece on a national level and accepted as such on a national level, because it contained content centered around the birth of Jesus. This very devout  Christian student was told she could not perform this piece, even though she had earned her spot at Tournament of Champions three times over, because ONE PERSON deemed it a "parody of a sacred religion", ONE PERSON who had missed the entire point of the piece and deemed it her responsibility to reign down on a program and competitive style she knew nothing about...

There is a shift in this country and it is time to WAKE UP!
We have a choice coming in 2020.
Are we going to fuel more HATE?
Are we going to allow HATRED to grow and become an accepted part of the framework of our country's future?
Are we going to allow discrimination to run rampant and build even more than it already has? This current President and his entire administration has set a VERY clear path and course when it comes to discrimination...VERY CLEAR.

I am not a Republican. (SHOCKER)
I am not a Democrat. (EVEN BIGGER SHOCKER)
I consider myself very independent when it comes to politics.
But I cannot rightfully align myself with this current administration and will do everything I can to get change back into this country.

I would hope that we all spend some time in reflection and decide what we are going to allow...
And please by all means...if this has been a phrase you have adopted as your guise for how you interact with others...by all means, move at a glacial pace and figure out where you stand on this and if it is going to be on the side of judgement...remove me from your ranks...

Losing touch and exhausted

I am reaching the end of a turbulent semester and am just plain exhausted. I logged on today and realized that shamefully had not logged on since January. Blogging and writing provides such an outlet for me but it is also just one more thing on a vast list of things that turn into things "I need to get done" and I just can't sometimes bring myself to get in here and drop down a line or two. Ever felt the same? How do you navigate through moments like that?
Am feeling the need to regroup as I feel like I have been losing touch over the past few years who who I am. I have lost my sense of direction and at times my purpose? When I feel those moments of doubt, and pain, and questioning come creeping in, I am gently reminded about my kiddos, my students, and the energy they bring to my life as well as my classroom and I find my course once again. I am so grateful for all of this. I am reminded of a parent who approached me at our Awards Night with tears in her eyes and gratitude on her heart....for leading her child through the darkest times of her life and for being a safe place for her to unload her emotions and know that she was in a safe place. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it again...

Teaching is NOT for the weak-hearted. And yet there are times when it is the most underappreciated occupation in the nation. Friends will comment about how my part time job is going, which makes me bristle. Yes we supposedly get the summer off. I say supposedly because what folks don't know is that there are times where teaching is not your preferred passion. Summer is the only opportunity to pursue your passion...for me directing. Summer is also the time to take required classes to maintain your teaching license. Summer is time for me to take kiddos to nationals for a week to compete. Summer is a time to reflect on what worked and what didn't work from the year before. Summer is the time to regroup and plan for the upcoming year.
Entering into a brand new school year brings new challenges, new opportunities, new children to get to know and then you enter into a new tournament season, new rehearsals, new goals to set, new problems children face brought to your classroom door to help navigate. My kiddos call me their second Dad for a reason. They know that they can come to me to bend my ear, ask my opinion, know that they are going to get the sometimes hard truth at times, but never without a hug and a moment of encouragement.
It's time to always put on my cheerleader pompoms, time to make sure the difference you want to make in your students lives are met and reached and achieved. Time for no sleep at nights worrying about that next lesson, or the child who brought some difficult news to the classroom. Will they be okay?
It's no wonder I get to the end of the spring semester and feel depleted. Absolutely and completely. I have nothing left to give and yet I have to push forward through the exhaustion. And I know I am not alone.
I am making a promise to myself...to regroup. To reflect. To relax and rest and be kind to myself. To find myself and my reconnect with my passion this summer and share it with you all on here. It is important, not only for me, but also for Justin, who unfairly gets the brunt of this at times and yet continues to love me and support me the best he can, sometimes not fully understanding my work life. He truly is a blessing in my life and I am so grateful to him for everything...

The power we give...learning to see this differently

Seth Godin gives an awesome interview on Good Life Project. The content of the interview grabbed me by the heart and tugged me along. Spoke to me so deeply about the idea of why we allow other folks to have so much power over how we live our lives, sometimes knowingly and sometimes cluelessly. His interview is entitled, "Learn to See, Leave them changed." Check it out!

While listening, I completely focus my thought process towards my cousin and my aunt, who have been the center of my issues for the last many years...and only on MY behalf...not on theirs. They have respected my wishes to stay away. My cousin has mildly apologized for her letter. My aunt never has. She just acts like we are ridiculous and that she dictates how everyone will play when she is around...taking pictures, etc.
To refresh our memories as to what occurred: I entered my life shortly after my entrance to teaching in Arkansas in 2009. And my life grew and evolved and blossomed. My coming out process was actually fairly smooth. Few hiccups...but I had NEVER had a crazy, horrible negative response. Jump ahead a few years of dating and J and I buy a house. That Christmas, I sent out our annual Christmas letter and told everybody about our exciting news. Jump ahead to Christmas eve, and I receive a letter from my cousin, assuming it was their Christmas letter, which it wasn't. It was throwing the Bible at me and Justin and telling us we were going to go to hell if we didn't change our ways. Bringing up all the fire and brimstone of my childhood from the church pulpit, bringing back a great amount of angst and hurt and shame and feeling less than. Stuff I had decided were not important when I lived in Omaha. I was out and proud and present and moved to Arkansas and a shift happened sadly...
This whole thing just fueled it.
And mind you, these are not family members I see all the time and this just solidified that we would NOT be seeing each other. Life has advanced forward. Life has gone on and we have basically parted ways...and yet...it still bugs me. It still hurts me. It still drives me crazy and I just want to tell them how wrong they are...or that someday, a heartfelt apology will come...Or that they are hopefully as equally as angsty about this issue as I am...but you know, this truly is not gonna happen. Ever. My mother died never hearing her sister say she was sorry for her involvement in this situation. It just makes me sad.
But why do I continue to beat myself up about this issue? Why do I allow them so much power over my emotions when I should just try and separate myself and let them GO!

Somewhere deep down, I had decided to allow these two women power over my life and over my relationship and over my thought processes and my flow. Why would I allow these two women, virtual no shows in my life for the last many years, so much power to dictate my feelings and emotions. They have hurt me so deeply. They have hurt Justin so deeply and that just made me so angry and sad and hurt. At the very basis of this...they were a crew I considered my family. My childhood memories are surrounded with them in it. And I had the air struck out of my chest with their own blow.

They also had struck me at my very core belief system and raised such a strong trigger...that being the Bible that it shook me to my spiritual core and my life morphed into a life of wanting to prove them wrong, wondering when the TRUE apology would come...the apology we deserved...

I am such a people pleaser. Always have been. I find such passion in sharing the ideas of theater and family and connection and creativity and love and laughter. So here's what I am working on...

Being Present.
Truthfully knowing that they have ZERO control over my life. ZERO control over who I love. Do NOT know me and have chosen not to KNOW me for who I am and how I lead my life. And are absolutely BLIND. Perhaps, what I need to do is just cut this off and say...meh...don't really need to give them ANY control over my life, my emotions, my thought-process.
KNOW deep down that what I have been wishing for in regards to these two will never happen...it should not be an important issue that dictates my life and remove their control over my energy.

One of the areas Godin discusses is the ideas of being present and not allowing yourself to be drug down by negativity. Isolate yourself from negativity and surround yourself with positivity...It is important to refocus your life and how we should focus our positivity when negative issues are present or present themselves. Mind blowing truthfully. In one of the many books I am reading, it states that when we have the BEST day and one absolutely negative event occurs...the rest of your day is ALL NEGATIVE. We have to learn to shift the process towards gratitude...towards the positivity and not get drug down into black. Negativity will destroy your life.
Block out all Negative.
Block out all the awful that is going on around the world today.
Don't give the negativity any power in your life.
(sometimes this is harder to do...I get it)
Surround yourself with creative potential.
Focus on what you are here to do.

Navigate through your life with gratitude and positivity folks. More soon...

Gratitude

As I am working my way through the podcasts on GoodLifeProject, I have listened to a couple speaking about the power of gratitude. There are many powerful speakers in this world, but they have highlighted four of the biggest...

Brene Brown discusses the power of shame in your life and how there is great power in allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Tim Ferriss discusses the idea of being halfway through life and what is next? The power of realizing that the only way you are able to show love to others, you have to truly LOVE YOURSELF.

Jonathan Fields discusses the idea of what he calls Sparketypes, which showcase your personality type and discusses why you do the things you do, make the decisions you do, and how you interact with the other 9 types available. It delves into the theme of What Should I do with m Life? And where can i find inspiration to do what I am destined to do in my life's journey.?

And then there is the podcast featuring Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the life-changing book: Eat, Pray, Love. She talks about the idea of gratitude and how we have to figure out a switch. We all have a bad day. And I find that when I have a horrible day...sometimes it is just because of one particular moment and that, if we allow it, can recolor the ENTIRE day. One moment in a sea of awesomeness can, in fact, color everything else, if we allow it. So what Liz Gilbert encourages us to do is to refocus events and try to see it from an aspect of gratitude. What should we be thankful for in times of struggle? Where can we find gratitude in the negative times?
Its a shift in thought process, that's for sure.

You may not see it. You may be overwhelmed by too much. You may need to visit with a close confidante to allow them to help you work your way through it...maybe you come at it like, " I just cannot see a positive in what I am about to tell you? Perhaps you can help me?
Gilbert also goes into also the topics of allowing events to stop you in your tracks and prevent you from moving forward, if you allow it. She also speaks to the power to finding your creativity or getting it back, if you have lost it.

Powerful stuff folks.
You should give it a listen. You will find some great stuff there!! I just know it.
More soon!

My spiritual journey and struggle

You know the phrase, "The Struggle is Real Folks?" I think this applies at various times in our lives.

We get lost in our thoughts, we struggle to comprehend why things happen the way they do, we struggle to reconcile with events from our childhood, memories of the past and how they are significant to who we are today. We struggle to figure out who we are, what we are about, all the while attempting to remind ourselves to be kind to yourself. We all do it. We all question and contemplate why this is this way, or why I react the way I do to certain situations.

Gonna think /type out loud here for a bit....
I am going to be very brutally honest, and it probably will not come as a surprise to those of you who follow my blog, as I have blogged about this in the past. I continually struggle with faith and spirituality and how it relates to being gay. Can you be an out, open, gay person in a community where Bible and spirituality are very common aspects of the community in which you live? Or at a stronger core...can you be Gay and be a Christian? It is a common struggle I have had ever since coming out raised in the Lutheran religion and remember the "fire and brimstone" sermons of my childhood...God is a vengeful and firey God who expects you to live your life according to the printed word and Biblical teachings. I have reached out to close friends, including my former Argenta pastor, who have had many wonderful, insightful things to say on this. Will said that I am currently on a spiritual journey now more than ever. And it is so true.

From various discussions:
"The Old Testament is meant to be taken as a light guideline. The teachings of Christ is truly where the direction for your life."
"I wish that Revelation was not the last book written and that the Bible continued into today's society and everything we have learned about humans."
"If we took everything verbatim from the Bible, we would be ruled out. There are so many rules and everybody just picks and chooses. Eat Shrimp= SINNER. Wear polyester=SINNER (that goes without saying folks) Adulterer=SINNER."

When I lived in Omaha 10 years ago, I was a different person spiritually. Heck I was a VERY different person altogether. I was out, open, and considered myself a vital part of the gay community in Omaha. I did not go to church on a regular basis yet was extremely spiritual and had a firm grounding in what I believed and had faith in all of it. I was confident. I knew what I believed. I knew who I was.
Today I am not so sure spiritually.
But what has changed?
I feel great amounts of shame about what the Bible teaches and what it means for my life. I KNOW I am a gay man, have always been, was born this way and know no other way of thought, have never questioned this, but what does that mean when the Bible says otherwise? I know that we are created in God's image, like him, and are encouraged to live our lives as he taught...but the Bible goes on to state that my life is considered an abomination in the eye's of God. Heck, we are all sinners. And I struggle with this at times in my life. It's not so easy when you throw in the idea of the after life...
It's too much!!!

Then I arrive in Arkansas and meet the love of my life. Share this exciting relationship as a gay man with everyone, including my family. Try as hard as I can to be as out as I can in the Bible belt...I do have to say, I am doing a MUCH better job of being out and proud up here in NW Arkansas than I was in Little Rock. Moving to LR, I quickly realized that I could not be as out as I was and had to watch what I said, what I did, where I went, and God forbid that I be photographed out and about.

Jump ahead and the damn blog post I have written about the Christmas letter from my cousin and aunt, basically and unfairly throwing the Bible at me and Justin, from behind their glass walls, and the struggle came right back. And I have come to realize that it has affected me deeper than I had imagined. And why is this so important a fight? Why do I allow these two women so much power and control over my heart, my head, and at times, my marriage and how I carry on in my day to day life. Two women, I very rarely saw, but are considered family and what that meant.

Perhaps I need a new definition of what family is to me? And a relook at the energy I place in relationships...and set new boundaries? Who knows...

It could be a question of being kinder to myself.
It could be a question of reconnecting with my former thoughts and views...
It could be that need a gentle reminder to focus on Christ only and what he taught for all of us to lead our lives in love only. Wear love like an armor and love your neighbor as yourself.

It could be that I am needing to go back to no church and reconnect with a stronger sense of community here in NW Arkansas. The very thought of going through the SEARCH for a church family, while there are many options I think available to me, just plain exhausts me. Having to navigate through "What do you believe?" "What does your church believe when it comes to the Bible and it's teachings and does it match mine?" What does church actually provide for me...do I need it right at this point in my life...just plain exhausting, friends. See where I am at?

I am in process of reading a book I hope to be helpful..."Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Dr. Gershen Kaufman and Dr. Lev Raphael. I also patiently await the release and arrival of the book "Shameless: a Sexual Reformation" by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Friends...this is one I am looking forward to reading...have placed high hopes in what she has to say...

An Amazon.com exerpt:
 Christians are obsessed with sex. But not in a good way. For generations countless people have suffered pain, guilt, and judgment as a result of this toxic fixation on sex, the body, and physical pleasure. In the follow-up to her celebrated New York Times bestseller Accidental Saints, Bolz-Weber unleashes her critical eye, her sharp pen, and her vulnerable but hopeful soul on the caustic, fear-riddled, and religiously inspired messages about sex that have fed our shame. 
            In turn, Bolz-Weber offers no simple amendments or polite compromises, because the stakes are too high—and our souls and our bodies are worth too much. Instead, this tattooed, swearing, modern-day pastor calls for a new reformation. She urges us to take antiquated, sexist ideas about sex, gender, and our bodies and “burn them the f*ck down and start all over.” 
            This is a journey of holy resistance. Along the way, as antidotes to shame, heresy, and all-too-familiar injustice, Bolz-Weber dispenses grace, freedom, and courage. She shares stories, poetry, and scripture, cultivating resilient hope and audacious love rooted in good news that is “powerful enough, transgressive enough, and beautiful enough to heal not only the ones who have been hurt but also those who have done the hurting.”
            In Bolz-Weber’s most personal, bracingly honest book yet, she shares intimately about her life, with her trademark blend of vulnerability, humor, and candor. If you’ve been mistreated, confused, angered, and/or wounded by the shaming sexual messages so prevalent in religion, this one is for you.

I am on a journey, friends, and we shall see where this leads. But I plan to see it through and figure this all out, because it is a rough journey and I need to be DONE with it. I hope you will stay tuned as this will be part of my focus for 2019.

Resolutions for 2019

HAPPY NEW YEAR, friends and family!!!
I have been away for awhile and feel so guilty. I logged on here today to get back on track with blogging and realized....JULY was my last entry. How shameful is that???

So I am gonna get myself back on track with something I hate to do...creating a new year's resolution.
UGH. Just the phrase makes me angsty. I hate these types of things...because there are so many failures attached to the very word and process of setting a resolution.
But what I have learned is that setting one doesn't have to be angsty if you set one that is not too lofty...not too crazy...and that you be kind to yourself and honest with where you are at the time you set it. Goal setting is NEVER bad.

I have been on a search and it has been a deep one, friends. A spiritual struggle and journey that I intend to bring you all along with as I struggle my way through it...in the hopes that you too will learn along with me. Perhaps we can help each other? I always wanted my blogging to not only serve as a release...but also a hope that I can help in each of our adventures on this thing called life...whether it is deep musings... or hilarious rants...and odd observations from the world around me...or just a chance to get it out...whatever the proverbial "IT" is and why it needs to be out.

I have been listening to many different podcasts and will speak to more of these in future posts...
The first one I just happened to find is called GoodLifeProject.com...a little out of the box and hard to grasp at times....and truth be told, I have only listened to one podcast episode but was completely hooked in...the first episode I searched and listened to was an interview with my favorite current life coach...Brene Brown...She has so many thought provoking things to say about how we deal with life and how we navigate through this journey...and she has a no shit way of viewing this adventure...and so I am stealing her thoughts and comments as my new mantra for 2019...as it speaks deeply to where I am at this moment in my life...

To live whole-heartedly

Honor small moments with gratitude

and dare greatly.

Resolutions have not always been my favorite. And I have tried to steer clear of the cliche ones...but this one seems navigable and sustainable...and achievable. And I know I can make this one work for me as I dig deeper throughout the coming year ahead. Will you join me? Follow my blog and let's jump in...